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• A high asset divorce is one with $1,000,000 in liquid assets subject to negotiation and division.
• There are a number of significant challenges unique to a high net worth divorcing couple.
• Here are 11 critical mistakes to avoid so you don’t lose the wealth you’ve worked so hard to build.

Divorce is challenging no matter what the circumstances. But divorces for high net worth spouses or couples with a considerable marital estate are significantly more complicated than divorces involving a more basic portfolio of assets. And there’s a lot more at stake!

From a significant asset pool to non-traditional employee compensation, closely-held businesses, multiple high-value real estate properties, and high standards of living, valuing, negotiating, and coming to an agreement on all issues required to get a high net worth divorce is no easy feat. But how difficult (and costly) your high asset divorce will or won’t be, depends greatly on the divorce option you and your spouse choose, your eagerness to compromise, as well as your willingness to acknowledge each other’s contributions to the marriage.

In this post you’ll learn the top concerns to watch out for in a high asset divorce. And what you and your spouse can do to preserve your financial resources and maintain control of your divorce outcome.

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What is a high asset divorce?

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A high asset divorce is one with $1,000,000 in liquid assets subject to negotiation and division. Not included in this figure is residential or commercial real estate, or closely-held businesses, even though all of these assets are also subject to discussion and possibly distribution.

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What are the top concerns in a high asset divorce?

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Every divorcing spouse has worries and concerns, but high asset cases come with many unique financial challenges. Let’s take a closer look at some of the critical issues that affect high net worth divorcing couples and 11 tragic mistakes to avoid.

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Mistake #1 for a divorcing high net worth individual: Panicking if there’s no prenup

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If you or your spouse entered your marriage with significant wealth, a prenuptial agreement may already be in place to define separate property and/or make asset division, child custody, and spousal support more straightforward at the time of your divorce. But if you’ve more recently acquired your net worth, such a document probably doesn’t exist. Leaving you to wonder if your divorce will turn into a three-ring circus!

The good news is it doesn’t have to, but you must choose the right divorce process.

Bill and Melinda Gates didn’t have a prenup. Neither did Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos. Yet somehow, they were able to come to terms in months instead of years in their high asset divorce case. And they’re two of the richest couples on the planet!

Why do you think that is?

Because instead of litigating publicly, where a family law judge would dictate the terms of the settlement, they knew it was better to negotiate the terms of their divorce settlement privately with the help of a skilled divorce mediator.

And in an environment of dignity and respect, that neutral third party helped them negotiate directly and reach an agreement they both found fair and in both of their interests.

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Mistake #2 in a high net worth divorce: Going straight to litigation instead of trying mediation first

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If you’re facing divorce, your first thought might be to go straight to litigation in court. After all, that’s what your family law attorney said was common in complex cases like yours, and since your “attorney client relationship” is decent, you believe them. But what you need to know is that divorce mediation is a more cost-effective, efficient, and results-oriented alternative. And it can help you successfully resolve all issues necessary for divorce including:

• The parenting plan – which outlines parenting time and the legal and physical child custody arrangements for your children, and;
• Child support – which defines financial support for the kids’ living expenses, extracurricular activities, and other extraordinary expenses; and
• Alimony – also known in some states as spousal support or spousal maintenance, which provides post-divorce financial support to the lower-earning spouse; and
• The equitable division of your marital assets and liabilities – which is known in some states as equitable distribution and community property division in others.

The issues required to get a divorce are exactly the same for wealthy couples as they are for those who earn a lower income or possess fewer marital assets. In addition to the wasted time and money, there is also a significant loss of control in divorce litigation in court.

When you pursue a high net worth divorce through the courts, you relinquish control of the terms of your settlement and leave it in the hands of a family law judge.

And it is highly likely you and your spouse will wind up with a settlement neither of you is satisfied with. Which greatly increases your likelihood of ending up back in court fighting about post-divorce issues in the future.

In a paper titled “Divorce Mediation: Reflections on a Decade of Research” authored by J. Pearson and N. Thoennes, they found:

“With respect to compliance with the agreement and re-litigation, 80% of divorcing spouses [who mediated] reported compliance, while only 60% of the adversarial parties did.”

So if you’re willing to skip the courtroom war and instead negotiate in good faith and work together to come to a settlement you both find fair, it’s wise to mediate instead!

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Mistake #3: Letting a sense of entitlement drive negotiations

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For most individuals, the divorce process itself can elicit a wide range of feelings. But there is one above all to watch out for in a divorce involving a significant marital estate and that’s feeling a sense of entitlement.

On one hand, if you’re the primary income-earning spouse, you may feel that you’re entitled to retain most of the marital property you’ve accumulated during the marriage. After all, it was your income that enabled you and your spouse to significantly grow your marital estate and gather asset after asset to build your net worth. You might strongly feel that your considerable, if not sole contribution, needs to be reflected in your divorce settlement.

On the other hand, if you’re a spouse who gave up your career to raise your children, you may strongly feel that you’re entitled to retain most of the marital property accumulated while married. After all, it was your hard work inside the home that paved the way for your spouse to build a successful business or climb the corporate ladder to earn that significant income. While you collected a paycheck of… well, $0. You believe not only are you entitled to alimony to make up for your lack of income, but a majority share of your net worth to offset all your years of sacrifice.

If you dig in and remain fully entrenched in a divorce position driven by a sense of entitlement, your substantial assets will likely evaporate during what’s sure to be contentious divorce proceedings.

But if you can acknowledge that you each played a valuable role in earning your accumulated net worth and becoming a high asset couple, you can more likely negotiate an equitable division of your asset pool and preserve everything you both worked so hard to achieve.

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Mistake #4: Not hiring the right divorce attorney or law firm (if your spouse won’t agree to mediate)

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You might think because there are numerous valuable complex assets at stake, the financial cost to battle it out in litigation is well worth it, so you may be tempted to pursue a scorched earth strategy and hire the most aggressive lawyer you can find. One who vows to provide you with “fierce representation” and “take your spouse to the cleaners.” But the thing is, divorces with significant marital property and “pit bull” lawyer representation are a dangerous mix.

Think it through. Each attorney and law firm bills by the hour for their hard-nosed advocacy. They have no incentive to help you reach a settlement agreement.

To them, a high asset divorce is an endless stream of income, and the longer it goes on, the better for them.

But not for you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse!

In addition to depleting your financial net worth, this type of divorce approach also depletes your emotional capital. There’s a very real human cost to endless divorce litigation in the form of wasted years, burned bridges, and family destruction which you can expect if you pursue this strategy. So be smart. If your spouse won’t agree to mediate, do your homework and learn how to choose the right divorce lawyer.

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Mistake #5: Failing to disclose or attempting to hide assets (or debts)

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Every divorce, no matter how simple or complex requires a process known as discovery. During discovery, you and your spouse will disclose your complete financial picture including, but not limited to all income, assets, and debts. If your spouse suspected there were hidden assets, there’s an excellent chance a forensic accountant would be hired to uncover anything that was not voluntarily disclosed.

According to the American Bar Association

“Forensic accountants are specialists at unraveling financial and compliance puzzles for businesses, nonprofits, governmental entities, and individuals, using precise processes and a systematic investigation of data.”

Forensic accountants (who charge an average fee of $15,000) excel at exposing an individual’s true financial picture and once they do, divorce proceedings often go from bad to worse!

Given what’s at stake in a high asset divorce, it might be tempting to not fully disclose everything – but failing to do so would lead to significant legal and financial consequences.

So don’t do it!

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Mistake #6: Not planning for estate planning

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Many wealthy couples choose to set aside a portion of their asset pool for the benefit of their children. But when they find themselves going through a divorce, those gifts can get squandered during divorce negotiations.

Let’s say you and your spouse have two daughters and you always planned on paying for their weddings. According to The Knot, the average cost of a wedding in 2021 was $30,433, with couples in San Francisco spending more than $45,000, and in New York City more than $70,000 – not including honeymoons!

To be safe, you and your spouse set aside $200,000 in an account titled in one of your names before a divorce was ever on your radar. But now you’re divorcing and your spouse wants half, while you insist it should be removed from your collective asset pool because it’s earmarked for your children. Round and round you’ll go until you each need to deplete that account in order to pay your skyrocketing legal fees. Arguing over what was supposed to be a gift for your children can quickly turn into a bone of contention between you and your spouse if you’re not careful.

A good time to pull out your estate plan is before starting a high asset divorce. This way, you can review it with your spouse and remove from your negotiations any asset or property earmarked for others.

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Mistake #7 in a high asset divorce case: Assuming inheritances

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For married couples who have wealthy parents who are still living, the issue of assuming future inheritances can be a dangerous game. And can have significant financial consequences on both your property division and alimony agreements. One spouse may assume the other spouse is certain to receive an inheritance, but as the old saying goes, there are no guarantees in life.

For example, let’s say there’s a couple divorcing after 20 years of marriage and during the marriage, they accumulated substantial business assets as owners of a local chain of successful sporting goods stores. During their divorce, one spouse insists on retaining the full value of the business because they’re convinced the other spouse will receive a significant inheritance from their father who is still alive. The other spouse doesn’t agree because they have two siblings the father clearly favors. They think that even if an inheritance is received, it will be much smaller given the family dynamics.

The couple has no way of knowing if and/or when this inheritance will be realized, yet one spouse wants to factor it into the divorce negotiations. And around they’ll go in adversarial litigation with no resolution in sight.

Some individuals are self-made and acquire their own wealth, while others obtain it by having wealth passed to them via an inheritance.

And while it’s our opinion assuming inheritances is never a good idea, be sure to raise this issue early on with your divorce professional to get their guidance on the best way to handle it in your unique situation.

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Mistake #8: Not factoring in taxation issues and how they can affect your settlement

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While issues surrounding taxation are relevant in all divorces, in a high asset case, they can play an outsized role due to the value of a couple’s property as well as the complexities of their investments.

Sale of a Marital Home:

Currently, a capital gains tax exemption of $500,000 is afforded to married couples who sell a home. So should you choose to sell your home, depending on its value, you may exceed this exemption threshold and incur significant capital gains on the sale.

These funds must be estimated and set aside (or held in a trust account) so as not to muddy the negotiation waters and ensure their availability for when the taxman cometh. Otherwise, you may find yourself holding the bag and having to go to court to get your now ex-spouse to pay their share.

Brokerage Accounts:

A lifetime of investing (hopefully) resulted in a lifetime of gains. Gains which Uncle Sam is going to want a piece of upon sale – whenever that may be. Be aware that even if your total holdings look equal on paper, tax gains and tax losses can impact their value significantly, making that 50-50 split not so equal.

Seek out a fair and equitable split from both a valuation and tax perspective at the time of your negotiations. Otherwise, you may find yourself renegotiating your settlement at the 11th hour, costing you more time, money, and stress.

The timing of your divorce filing:

Most people don’t know that their marital status on December 31st determines their filing status for tax purposes. So if you get divorced on December 30th, even though you were married for 364 days, come April 15th of the following year, you file separately.

Companies typically issue bonuses early in the year, so you and your spouse may have put those funds to use before divorcing. Leaving the bonus recipient impacted come tax time if you file separately the following tax year. A potential tax burden post-divorce can create an imbalanced settlement, especially if the bonus was significant, and send you and your ex-spouse back to the courthouse.

If you think taxation issues will play a significant role in your divorce, be sure to work with a divorce professional with a financial background to ensure you both come to an agreement that’s fair and factors the complex issues of taxation into your settlement.

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Mistake #9: Not recognizing that determining child support and alimony is far more complex in a high net worth divorce

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Here in the United States, all 50 states have guidelines for child support. These “guidelines,” while helpful in some cases, are difficult to apply to high-income earners or self-employed individuals – for many reasons.

Some state guidelines have an “upper-income limit,” so if your earnings exceed a certain amount, the guidelines become useless and cannot be used as designed. And because guidelines assume income is the same month-to-month, they become less effective if your compensation includes variable components like commissions, bonuses, RSU, or stock options.

Child support guidelines are typically intended to cover ordinary expenses like food and shelter, but children incur many other expenses which fall outside the guidelines such as car insurance, summer camp, and private school to name a few, which need to be negotiated separately.

And since children of wealthy families tend to have higher extraordinary expenses than children from lower-income families (and two households are more expensive to run than one,) this is a topic that can create a lot of disagreement between divorcing parents.

While guidelines do exist for resolving matters of child support, they come with significant limitations which leave parties no choice but to negotiate an amount they both find fair, and not cause their children to become the economic victims of their divorce.

Alimony:

Unlike child support, where all 50 states have a guideline for determining it, only a handful of states have a guideline for alimony. And of the ones that do, guidelines are rarely useful for high-earning individuals. This makes coming to an agreement on alimony especially challenging.

First, even though income may be significant, what was enjoyed by the parties as their marital lifestyle may not be possible once divorced. One or both parties may believe they are still entitled to live in the same manner they’re accustomed to. And demand to receive or retain a significant portion of the earned income.

Second, high-level employees are typically compensated in less traditional ways than lower-level employees. For example, bonuses and equity shares received by partners in a firm can vary significantly from year-to-year based on factors outside of their control (e.g. the pandemic,) while other forms of compensation such as restricted stock units or stock options may not be easily realized as income due to vesting periods or stock market fluctuations.

And third is the employment risk associated with a high earning individual. When lower-level employees lose their job, there is far less income loss at stake. And replacement jobs are easier to find. As opposed to high-level employees whose compensation is significant, and replacement job pool is much more limited.

While there may be substantial income at stake, parties must understand and factor into their negotiations the unique risks and complexities associated with a high net worth divorce case.

And be sure to plan now for changes in future circumstances to avoid having to return to court down the road!

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Mistake #10: Not accepting how your lifestyle will change post-divorce

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In our experience with high asset cases, typically one party is in charge of the household finances. And that spouse has detailed knowledge of the couple’s expenses and income required to maintain the marital lifestyle. As well as what areas of spending may need to be reduced after divorce because there will be increased costs associated with having two separate households.

There’s no doubt it can be very upsetting to need to make adjustments to spending and lifestyles post-divorce.

But if you’re a spouse who has no idea about what it costs to maintain the marital lifestyle, and high standard of living, it’s smart to get educated on your current financial picture now.

This way, you won’t have unrealistic settlement demands that only drag your divorce out for years, adding expense and stress – and preventing you and your spouse from reaching a negotiated settlement.

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Mistake #11: Thinking you can’t have an amicable divorce if you’re a high net worth individual

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Most people think it’s not possible for a high net worth couple to divorce amicably. But that’s simply not true! Just because you have significant financial resources doesn’t mean you need to waste them during your divorce. Instead, you can choose to approach your divorce in ways that will enable you and your spouse to work together to end your marriage peacefully and productively.

If you put the needs of your children first, engage in full financial disclosure, and negotiate the terms of your settlement in an environment of mutual respect and dignity, you’ll improve your ability to get an agreement you feel comfortable with.

And at the same time, preserve your wealth! So it’s better for you and your children.

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Key takeaways: High-net-worth divorce dos and don’ts

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Do:

• Prioritize mediation as a cost-effective and amicable alternative to litigation, which helps preserve both financial resources and personal relationships.
• Engage professionals with financial expertise, such as divorce mediators and forensic accountants, to ensure a fair and comprehensive asset division.
• Review and potentially update your estate plan before entering divorce negotiations to protect assets earmarked for children or other beneficiaries.
• Practice full financial disclosure and transparency to avoid legal complications and potential penalties.
• Approach divorce negotiations with mutual respect, acknowledging each spouse’s contributions to the marriage and focusing on achieving a fair settlement.
• Consider the long-term tax implications of your divorce settlement and factor these into your negotiations.

Don’t:

• Don’t let a sense of entitlement drive your divorce negotiations, which can lead to prolonged and costly legal battles.
• Avoid hiding assets or debts, as forensic accountants can easily uncover such attempts, leading to severe legal consequences.
• Don’t assume future inheritances or factor them into your divorce settlement without concrete evidence.
• Refrain from hiring an overly aggressive attorney who might prolong litigation for their own financial benefit.
• Don’t go directly to litigation without first exploring alternative dispute resolution methods like mediation.
• Avoid making unrealistic demands about maintaining your exact marital lifestyle post-divorce, as significant adjustments are often necessary.

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While the overall divorce rate has flattened for most age groups, there is one segment of the population where divorce rates are actually increasing – Americans getting divorced at 60+. A phenomenon known as gray divorce.

Certainly, divorce is difficult no matter how long you’ve been married or how old you are. But if you’re getting a divorce in your 60s, there’s a whole lot more you need to know – and watch out for. As a divorce mediator specializing in gray divorce, I’ve helped hundreds of couples navigate this transition with dignity and mutual respect.

And while there are a million things that could be the reason a marriage ends, drawing from my many years of experience, there are 8 common themes that arise which I’ll share below. I’ll also share 9 critical issues that can have a significant impact on your divorce so you can negotiate your agreement with confidence. And 3 reasons why I believe mediation is your best option for a divorce after a long term marriage.

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What is a gray divorce?

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When the term was first coined, it referred to men and women who divorced after 40 years or more of marriage. The assumption was that anyone married for that long must be an older adult “starting to gray,” hence the name.

But these days, it’s more commonly used to refer to the increased divorce rate among baby boomers, separating after 30 years of marriage.

So why the divorce increase in this segment of the population?

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8 reasons a marriage ends after 30 years

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Reason #1: “We’ve simply grown apart.”

Some couples can pinpoint the exact cause of the demise of the marriage. But in a divorce after 30 years, there is often no infidelity and no major blowout that led to the decision to get divorced. Instead, the spouses have simply grown apart over time.

They have an adult child or their youngest goes off to college (aka “empty nest syndrome.”)

You’ve spent the better part of your marriage raising kids and now you’ve found yourself without the children to focus on. Suddenly you find yourself uncomfortable being around this person you no longer know. Which leads to an empty nesters divorce.

Retirement.

When a couple is working and/or raising kids, they’re busy. Perhaps so busy that they don’t notice they are growing farther apart with each passing year. But now that one or both have retired, they have a lot more time on their hands and again, realize they no longer know (or like) their husband or wife.

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Reason #2: Age

Aging stinks. But being around someone who acts old can make us feel old. For some, when they see their husband or wife aging (or repeatedly hear them complaining and being negative), it can be an unwelcome reminder that they’re getting older, too.

Perhaps they think if they got divorced for someone younger, it will reverse time for them as well.

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Reason #3: Self-improvement and personal growth

After so many years of looking, dressing, or feeling the same way, some people want to make changes to the way they are living their life (lose weight, exercise, improve their appearance). But to do that, they need a spark lit under them to get them motivated to make their desired changes.

Sometimes people think meeting or pursuing someone new will make them try harder in life, lose weight, dress better, etc. and help them achieve the changes they seek.

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Reason #4: Money and spending habits

When couples are in their prime earning years, a lot of financial missteps can be overlooked. Because the money keeps flowing in, the bills somehow get “taken care of” and the overspending spouse is ignorant of the couple’s precarious financial situation. But once the income stream stops and the couple is forced to live on a fixed income, pension plan, or other retirement benefits, it can be quite sobering.

Differences in spending habits become abundantly clear. And may lead to one spouse wanting to get divorced.

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Reason #5: Longer life expectancy

According to data compiled by the Social Security Administration of 2021:

• A man reaching age 65 today can expect to live, on average, until age 84.3.
• A woman turning age 65 today can expect to live, on average, until age 86.6.
• About one out of every four 65-year-olds today will live past age 90.
• One out of 10 will live past age 95.

For couples seeking this type of divorce, it’s quite possible each spouse could live another 30, 40 even 50 years. So one thinks, “Why spend the time I have left on this earth miserable in an unhappy marriage?”

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Reason #6: Undo past regrets

Back in the day, getting married was just as much a function of romance, and it was economic necessity. Many people – perhaps like you – married for the wrong reasons, started a family, and now here you are filled with regret, stuck in a loveless relationship, as you reflect on your life. You’ve now decided after all these years that being unhappily married to the wrong person is no longer acceptable to you.

Many of our clients fall into this category and in these cases, it’s usually not a surprise that a change in marital status is coming as both spouses have been unhappy for a very long time. By the time they decide to divorce, the fighting has subsided and they’re both in the camp of simply wanting to move forward separately with their lives.

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Reason #7: Sex

Just like differences in spending habits, differences in sex drives can also sink a marriage.

As spouses get older, their libidos may differ, sometimes dramatically. This can lead to frustration and ultimately the desire to divorce.

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Reason #8: Active vs. passive lifestyles

When one spouse wants an active retirement and one refers to it as “re-tired-ment,” it’s a real problem. Because one wants to get out there and live it up, and the other has no interest.

Half of the time, the passive party simply wants nothing to do with the divorce. And places the burden of getting a divorce on the active spouse. So if you’re the active spouse, be aware that it may be you who needs to drive the divorce.

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9 Critical gray divorce issues to watch out for

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No matter why you’re seeking a divorce later in life, the fact is longer the couple’s marriage lasted, the more complex the issues surrounding their divorce will be.

Here are 9 critical gray divorce issues and financial challenges that – if you’re not careful – can really derail your divorce:

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Issue #1: Determining an amount and duration of alimony

Chances are the person paying alimony is late in their career. And their compensation is far more complex than when they first started out. So when determining an amount of alimony in a long-term marriage, the total compensation received needs to be taken into account. Not just their base salary.

Plus, when getting a divorce at 60, you’re only a few short years from retirement. And that income will significantly change. So the duration of support may be far shorter for older couples than younger ones. Despite what you’ve read on the Internet.

This is where negotiating property division and Social Security benefits becomes especially important.

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Issue #2: Determining the value of premarital assets like retirement plans or proving separate property vs. marital property

In New Jersey, Illinois, Pennsylvania, New York, and 37 other states, dividing a couple’s marital assets and liabilities falls under the concept of equitable distribution. While in California, Washington, and seven others, the concepts of community property are applied.

Say you live in an equitable distribution state, you’re 63, got married at 36, and have this 401(k) retirement plan that you’ve been contributing to since you were 25. Do you really have the statements from the day you got married to know what its pre-marital value is?

Or you live in a community property state and have owned a baseball card collection from before you were married which has appreciated significantly over the years. Can you prove this is separate property and shouldn’t be included in your property division?

Because you could be giving away pre-marital property or separate assets your soon-to-be ex-spouse is not entitled to.

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Issue #3: Inheritances

Inheritances are considered “separate property” and are typically not subject to distribution in a divorce. But they can most certainly have a tremendous impact on your divorce settlement and finances. One way is if they’re co-mingled. That can be done in many ways far too numerous to get into here. A second way is how an inheritance impacts the division of your marital assets and liabilities.

For example, let’s say the division of your assets and liabilities turns out to be 50-50. With each of you receiving half of the retirement assets. But your husband or wife inherited a $500,000 lump sum from their now-deceased parents. So was your distribution really 50-50?

On one hand, the assets subject to distribution were split equally. But the reality is your total asset pool is not 50-50. And does income earned from investing that inheritance count towards a person’s ability to pay or receive alimony?

As you can see, gray divorce issues for an older couple can get quite complex. But inheritances should not be forgotten about in divorce negotiations.

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Issue #4: Social Security

You may have heard that when spouses in long-term marriages divorce, one party can collect Social Security off of the other party’s earnings. And while this is somewhat true, there are requirements and limitations.

So when negotiating alimony in a silver divorce, don’t forget about the difference in your potential benefits. Income equalization in a technique I use in mediation to help couples close to retirement, balance their future incomes. And share in the other’s monthly benefit for some period of time.

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Issue #5: Life insurance

Most people don’t know this, but anyone paying alimony is required to have life insurance in an amount and for a term equal to the amount and duration of alimony agreed to in their divorce decree.

So now you’re 60 and your term life policy is about to expire. Well, guess what? You need to get a new policy with a death benefit and duration to cover your alimony obligation. Which may prove quite costly.

And that’s a fair point.

The good news is there are other ways to address it using techniques like alimony buyouts or set asides in an estate plan.

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Issue #6: Difficulty dividing pension plans or other retirement accounts

While many companies are moving towards self-directed retirement accounts like 401(k)s, state and local governments still offer pension plans to their employees.

A pension is a promise made by an employer to provide an employee a monthly payment (typically) until they pass away.

For corporate plans, it’s a bit more straightforward. Do a PV calculation, determine the Coverture Fraction, get a QDRO, and a separate interest can be created and the benefit shared between the parties.

But when it comes to government plans, it’s not nearly as straightforward. So if your husband or wife was a civil servant or government employee, be aware that it may not be as easy to value and share a pension as it would be if they worked in a corporation.

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Issue #7: College and extraordinary child support

Maybe you’re one of the fortunate few who’ve managed to put away a certain amount to fund their children’s college education(s). If you’re getting a divorce at 60+, you may be right at that spot where you’re kids are either still in college, grad school, or have even boomeranged home.

Plus, you may still be paying child support for extraordinary expenses like car insurance, cell phone plans, and travel back and forth from school. And your ability to retire may be further away than you’d like it to be.

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Issue #8: What to do with the house?

For the most part, a marital home is the most valuable asset a couple getting divorced after 30 years has. But it’s not necessarily easy to divide.

If one spouse wants to keep it, they’ll need to buy the other one out. Which may provide difficult. Especially if you need to get a mortgage. And if you sell it, where will you both live? Divorce is one of the biggest life changes. And now you’ll have to move too?

Depending on your circumstances, there are ways to keep the house without having to re-fi right away.

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Issue #9: Health insurance

In the US, most of us get our health insurance from our employer. And if you’ve spent your life working inside the home raising children, chances are you don’t have coverage of your own.

When getting a divorce at 60, premiums will be costly. So be sure to investigate the cost before you enter alimony negotiations. Look into both COBRA as well as the insurance marketplace and add the cost to your apart budget.

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3 reasons why mediation is your best option for a divorce later in life

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1. You don’t want to waste a lot of money on your divorce.

If you’re pursuing a gray divorce chances are you’re in your early 60’s and close to retirement age. So if you spend a ton of money on your divorce, you won’t have a lot of time to recover financially.

To give you an idea:

• The average cost of a collaborative divorce is between $25,000 to $50,000; and that’s if things “go well.”
• The average cost of a litigated divorce is between $75,000 and $150,000; provided you can settle things in your first trip to court.
• If things aren’t going well, and your divorce drags on for a long time, you can expect to spend $200,000 or more on your divorce.

On the other hand, the average total cost of a mediated divorce is between $6,000 and $10,000.

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2. You don’t want to waste a lot of time on your divorce.

Let me be clear. I am not encouraging you to rush through your divorce. But the simple fact is when attorneys are involved, the divorce process is not only more expensive, but can take a very long time.

• The average length of the collaborative law process is 8 months to 1.5 years.
• The average length of a litigated divorce is between 2 and 3 years.

The average length of a mediated divorce is only 4 to 5 months from start to finish.

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3. You don’t want to add any more stress to your already stressful life.

At this stage of your life, you’ve probably got a lot of challenges and worries. And now you’re adding a divorce into that mix.

Even if you’re the initiator, divorce is one of the most stressful events you will ever have to endure in your life. Second only to the death of a parent or loved one. So why then would you choose to involve divorce attorneys and pile even more stress on to an already unpleasant situation?

A litigated divorce process using divorce lawyers is the epitome of stress vs. mediation which is a more peaceful process.

While divorce after 30 years of marriage represents a major life transition, it doesn’t necessarily have to define your future. With careful planning, and the love of friends and care of support groups, divorce at 60+ can set you on a course from loneliness to thriving.

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Take your first step towards a peaceful divorce

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As experts in divorce for business owners, we understand the sacrifices you and your family made to get where you are. In many cases taking years, if not decades, to build a business or professional practice you can be proud of.

When you own a business, going through a divorce often raises many questions:

• How do you determine what it’s actually worth?
• What’s the best way to divide a business in a divorce?
• How do you define what percentage is considered marital property?
• And how do you protect your business and get the best divorce outcome with a business involved?

Now that you’re ending your marriage, you want to make sure your agreement balances both your interests while acknowledging the scheduling challenges, compensation, and income complexities unique to a self-employed entrepreneurial lifestyle. And at the same time, prevent outsiders from destroying everything you’ve worked so hard to build.

Let’s dive deeper into each of these questions so you can approach your own divorce case with clarity and confidence.

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Note: As we provide mediation services in the community property states of Washington and California, and the equitable distribution states of Illinois, New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania, we’ve successfully helped divorcing couples reach agreement using both property division approaches.

[/fusion_text][fusion_title title_type=”text” scroll_reveal_effect=”color_change” scroll_reveal_basis=”chars” scroll_reveal_behavior=”always” scroll_reveal_duration=”500″ scroll_reveal_stagger=”200″ scroll_reveal_delay=”0″ scroll_reveal_above_fold=”yes” marquee_direction=”left” marquee_mask_edges=”no” marquee_speed=”15000″ rotation_effect=”bounceIn” display_time=”1200″ highlight_effect=”circle” loop_animation=”once” highlight_animation_duration=”1500″ highlight_width=”9″ highlight_smudge_effect=”no” highlight_top_margin=”0″ before_text=”” rotation_text=”” highlight_text=”” after_text=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” title_link=”off” link_url=”” link_target=”_self” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”” id=”” content_align_medium=”” content_align_small=”left” content_align=”left” size=”2″ animated_font_size=”” fusion_font_family_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_title_font=”” font_size=”38px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color4)” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” animated_text_color=”” highlight_color=”” text_shadow=”no” text_shadow_vertical=”” text_shadow_horizontal=”” text_shadow_blur=”0″ text_shadow_color=”” text_stroke=”no” text_stroke_size=”1″ text_stroke_color=”” text_overflow=”none” margin_top_medium=”” margin_right_medium=”” margin_bottom_medium=”” margin_left_medium=”” margin_top_small=”” margin_right_small=”” margin_bottom_small=”” margin_left_small=”” margin_top=”” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” margin_top_mobile=”” margin_bottom_mobile=”” gradient_font=”no” gradient_start_color=”” gradient_end_color=”” gradient_start_position=”0″ gradient_end_position=”100″ gradient_type=”linear” radial_direction=”center center” linear_angle=”180″ style_type=”default” sep_color=”” link_color=”” link_hover_color=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”left” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_delay=”0″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

There are a few things you need to understand about the challenges of divorce with a business involved:

[/fusion_title][fusion_imageframe image_id=”2349|full” aspect_ratio=”” custom_aspect_ratio=”100″ aspect_ratio_position=”” skip_lazy_load=”” lightbox=”no” gallery_id=”” lightbox_image=”” lightbox_image_id=”” alt=”” link=”” linktarget=”_self” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”” id=”” max_width=”” sticky_max_width=”” align_medium=”none” align_small=”none” align=”none” mask=”” custom_mask=”” mask_size=”” mask_custom_size=”” mask_position=”” mask_custom_position=”” mask_repeat=”” style_type=”” blur=”” stylecolor=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” hover_type=”none” magnify_full_img=”” magnify_duration=”120″ scroll_height=”100″ scroll_speed=”1″ margin_top_medium=”” margin_right_medium=”” margin_bottom_medium=”” margin_left_medium=”” margin_top_small=”” margin_right_small=”” margin_bottom_small=”” margin_left_small=”” margin_top=”” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” bordersize=”” bordercolor=”” borderradius=”” z_index=”” caption_style=”off” caption_align_medium=”none” caption_align_small=”none” caption_align=”none” caption_title=”” caption_text=”” caption_title_tag=”2″ fusion_font_family_caption_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_title_font=”” caption_title_size=”” caption_title_line_height=”” caption_title_letter_spacing=”” caption_title_transform=”” caption_title_color=”” caption_background_color=”” fusion_font_family_caption_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_text_font=”” caption_text_size=”” caption_text_line_height=”” caption_text_letter_spacing=”” caption_text_transform=”” caption_text_color=”” caption_border_color=”” caption_overlay_color=”” caption_margin_top=”” caption_margin_right=”” caption_margin_bottom=”” caption_margin_left=”” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” filter_hue=”0″ filter_saturation=”100″ filter_brightness=”100″ filter_contrast=”100″ filter_invert=”0″ filter_sepia=”0″ filter_opacity=”100″ filter_blur=”0″ filter_hue_hover=”0″ filter_saturation_hover=”100″ filter_brightness_hover=”100″ filter_contrast_hover=”100″ filter_invert_hover=”0″ filter_sepia_hover=”0″ filter_opacity_hover=”100″ filter_blur_hover=”0″]https://equitablemediation.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/challenges-of-divorce-with-business-Equitable-Mediation.webp[/fusion_imageframe][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” user_select=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” content_alignment_medium=”” content_alignment_small=”left” content_alignment=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”list-ul-style” id=”” width_medium=”” width_small=”” width=”” min_width_medium=”” min_width_small=”” min_width=”” max_width_medium=”” max_width_small=”” max_width=”” margin_top=”40px” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” fusion_font_family_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_text_font=”” font_size=”16px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color6)” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

• There’s more than one business valuation method and the various methods can produce wildly different results;
• The best method to divide a business in a divorce isn’t the same for everyone;
• Determining what percentage of a private business is considered marital assets can also be difficult, especially when dividing assets during a divorce;
• Parenting time, child support, and spousal support can all be unwittingly impacted in a business owner divorce;
• Divorce with a business involved has less to do with laws and more to do with money and negotiation;
• There is more than meets the eye on this topic and this issue is much too complex for you and your spouse to try to resolve on your own.

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Business valuation in a divorce

[/fusion_title][fusion_imageframe image_id=”2350|full” aspect_ratio=”” custom_aspect_ratio=”100″ aspect_ratio_position=”” skip_lazy_load=”” lightbox=”no” gallery_id=”” lightbox_image=”” lightbox_image_id=”” alt=”” link=”” linktarget=”_self” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”” id=”” max_width=”” sticky_max_width=”” align_medium=”none” align_small=”none” align=”none” mask=”” custom_mask=”” mask_size=”” mask_custom_size=”” mask_position=”” mask_custom_position=”” mask_repeat=”” style_type=”” blur=”” stylecolor=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” hover_type=”none” magnify_full_img=”” magnify_duration=”120″ scroll_height=”100″ scroll_speed=”1″ margin_top_medium=”” margin_right_medium=”” margin_bottom_medium=”” margin_left_medium=”” margin_top_small=”” margin_right_small=”” margin_bottom_small=”” margin_left_small=”” margin_top=”” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” bordersize=”” bordercolor=”” borderradius=”” z_index=”” caption_style=”off” caption_align_medium=”none” caption_align_small=”none” caption_align=”none” caption_title=”” caption_text=”” caption_title_tag=”2″ fusion_font_family_caption_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_title_font=”” caption_title_size=”” caption_title_line_height=”” caption_title_letter_spacing=”” caption_title_transform=”” caption_title_color=”” caption_background_color=”” fusion_font_family_caption_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_text_font=”” caption_text_size=”” caption_text_line_height=”” caption_text_letter_spacing=”” caption_text_transform=”” caption_text_color=”” caption_border_color=”” caption_overlay_color=”” caption_margin_top=”” caption_margin_right=”” caption_margin_bottom=”” caption_margin_left=”” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” filter_hue=”0″ filter_saturation=”100″ filter_brightness=”100″ filter_contrast=”100″ filter_invert=”0″ filter_sepia=”0″ filter_opacity=”100″ filter_blur=”0″ filter_hue_hover=”0″ filter_saturation_hover=”100″ filter_brightness_hover=”100″ filter_contrast_hover=”100″ filter_invert_hover=”0″ filter_sepia_hover=”0″ filter_opacity_hover=”100″ filter_blur_hover=”0″]https://equitablemediation.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/business-valuation-methods-Equitable-Mediation.webp[/fusion_imageframe][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” user_select=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” content_alignment_medium=”” content_alignment_small=”left” content_alignment=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”list-ul-style” id=”” width_medium=”” width_small=”” width=”” min_width_medium=”” min_width_small=”” min_width=”” max_width_medium=”” max_width_small=”” max_width=”” margin_top=”40px” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” fusion_font_family_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_text_font=”” font_size=”16px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color6)” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

There’s more than one method for valuing businesses and the various methods can produce wildly different results.

It’s a common misconception when getting a business valuation for divorce purposes, that valuators will produce a report with a single value. But that’s rarely the case.

At a high level, the three methods are:

1. The cost approach which is based on the fair market value of a business’s net assets;
2. The market approach which values a business based on what other similar businesses have sold for in the recent past;
3. The income approach which uses projected earnings to derive a present value for the business.

Depending on the type of business you have, one approach may be more suitable than another. But each of these valuations can produce wildly different results. In some of the cases I’ve mediated, one of these methods showed a positive value, while another showed a negative value.

Let’s say you’re one of the 28% of Americans who is a small business owner and you want to sell your business ownership – and in this example, you’re NOT also getting a divorce. Naturally, you’d want to use the method that resulted in the highest value. And your spouse would want to use that valuation method, too.

But since you are getting a divorce, and your business will become a marital asset (subject to community property division, or equitable distribution you might want to use the valuation method that resulted in the lowest business’ value.

You and your spouse’s interest are now immediately at odds. And if each of you has a divorce attorney representing you, naturally, they’re going to argue for whichever outcome is best for their client. Which can turn most businesses from an asset into a liability in the blink of an eye.

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Do you own a business? Or are you the business?

Let’s say you’re a financial advisor and run a small investment advisory firm. Your business is a success because of the relationships you built with clients over time – as well as intangible assets such as the licenses you have that allow you to run such a operation.

Now you need a business valuation for divorce. But the value is based on your efforts, personal goodwill, and relationships.

So what happens if:

• You take all your clients with you, or
• You’re the only person that brings in income, or
• You’re the only one licensed to perform the service,

What value does the business really have? Without you, maybe there is no business. And in turn, no value. This is what I call the “key man problem.”

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Did you reinvest in the business in lieu of taking a salary?

It’s not uncommon for the self-employed to invest everything they have into growing their business. And that might even include not taking a salary.

Maybe you thought, “My spouse has a good job, so I’ll rely on him/her to pay the bills and cover us financially – and I’ll forego a salary and instead, reinvest any profits into my business.” So that’s what you did. And as a result, your business grew more quickly than it would have had you been taking a salary.

Now there are a few problems:

First, had you drawn a salary, there would have been less money available to reinvest. And as a result, the growth rate would have been slower. Leading to a lower valuation at the time of your divorce.

Second, at the time of your divorce, because your business value would likely be inflated, you may have had to offer your soon-to-be ex more of your marital property / or other assets to come to an agreement you both found fair.

Third, because you’ll no longer have your spouse to support you after you’re divorced, you’ll have to take a salary. Which leaves less cash flow available to reinvest into growing your operations.

The best method to divide a business in a divorce isn’t the same for everyone.

[/fusion_text][fusion_imageframe image_id=”2351|full” aspect_ratio=”” custom_aspect_ratio=”100″ aspect_ratio_position=”” skip_lazy_load=”” lightbox=”no” gallery_id=”” lightbox_image=”” lightbox_image_id=”” alt=”” link=”” linktarget=”_self” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”” id=”” max_width=”” sticky_max_width=”” align_medium=”none” align_small=”none” align=”none” mask=”” custom_mask=”” mask_size=”” mask_custom_size=”” mask_position=”” mask_custom_position=”” mask_repeat=”” style_type=”” blur=”” stylecolor=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” hover_type=”none” magnify_full_img=”” magnify_duration=”120″ scroll_height=”100″ scroll_speed=”1″ margin_top_medium=”” margin_right_medium=”” margin_bottom_medium=”” margin_left_medium=”” margin_top_small=”” margin_right_small=”” margin_bottom_small=”” margin_left_small=”” margin_top=”” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” bordersize=”” bordercolor=”” borderradius=”” z_index=”” caption_style=”off” caption_align_medium=”none” caption_align_small=”none” caption_align=”none” caption_title=”” caption_text=”” caption_title_tag=”2″ fusion_font_family_caption_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_title_font=”” caption_title_size=”” caption_title_line_height=”” caption_title_letter_spacing=”” caption_title_transform=”” caption_title_color=”” caption_background_color=”” fusion_font_family_caption_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_text_font=”” caption_text_size=”” caption_text_line_height=”” caption_text_letter_spacing=”” caption_text_transform=”” caption_text_color=”” caption_border_color=”” caption_overlay_color=”” caption_margin_top=”” caption_margin_right=”” caption_margin_bottom=”” caption_margin_left=”” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” filter_hue=”0″ filter_saturation=”100″ filter_brightness=”100″ filter_contrast=”100″ filter_invert=”0″ filter_sepia=”0″ filter_opacity=”100″ filter_blur=”0″ filter_hue_hover=”0″ filter_saturation_hover=”100″ filter_brightness_hover=”100″ filter_contrast_hover=”100″ filter_invert_hover=”0″ filter_sepia_hover=”0″ filter_opacity_hover=”100″ filter_blur_hover=”0″]https://equitablemediation.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/options-for-resolving-business-issues-divorce-Equitable-Mediation.webp[/fusion_imageframe][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” user_select=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” content_alignment_medium=”” content_alignment_small=”left” content_alignment=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”list-ul-style” id=”” width_medium=”” width_small=”” width=”” min_width_medium=”” min_width_small=”” min_width=”” max_width_medium=”” max_width_small=”” max_width=”” margin_top=”40px” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” fusion_font_family_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_text_font=”” font_size=”16px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color6)” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

Just as there are various methods to value one, there are also numerous options for how to divide one. And the option you choose is entirely dependent on your unique situation.

You could sell it.

On the surface, this might seem to be the easiest way to go. Whatever proceeds you receive from the sale you and your spouse could divide as you see fit. But selling your business can come with challenges.

For example, what will you do to earn money after you sell? Especially if you include your intellectual property, as is common in non-service businesses.

This will be important for not only covering your own living expenses but also if you are required to make child support or alimony payments as a result of your divorce.

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You could continue to co-own it.

Another way to “divide” a business may be to not divide it at all. If you and your spouse are getting a divorce when you own a business together, and you each play an active role in operating it, you may wish to leave things as-is.

On the surface, this may seem like a good idea as it eliminates the need for a tangible property valuation at the time of your divorce. And removes this asset from your divorce negotiations. It also allows each of you to enjoy the “perks” of the family business, maintain your current salaries, and share in the net profits of the business.

But… you’re getting a divorce owning a business together could be difficult, or impossible. Will you and your ex still be able to effectively communicate as both a divorcing couple and co-owners, and agree on a future direction for the company knowing that your financial and lifestyle goals may no longer be aligned?

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You could buy out your spouse’s business interests.

Buying your spouse out may seem simple enough – you would get to keep the intangible and tangible assets and they would get to keep other comparable tangible and intangible assets or marital property. But in order to provide a basis for the negotiation of the buyout amount, a valuation will be required. And it’s entirely possible that the amount could be higher than what you could actually sell it for on the open market.

Since you are not selling the business on the open market, you really don’t (and won’t) know what the true sales price (and net proceeds) would be. But the problem is that your ex may now expect you to buy them out using the valuation amount. And given your experience in your profession, you may not think that value is realistic.

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Determining what percentage of a private business are marital assets / marital property vs. separate assets / separate property can be difficult.

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• Is the business a marital asset or a separate asset?
• Did you start your business during the marriage or prior to the marriage?
• If you started your business prior to the marriage, do you know what its value was at the time you got married? Did you have your business valued at that time?
• Did you invest any marital funds into the business? Or was it all done separately, apart from the marital estate?
• Did the business grow during the time you were married? Is that portion marital and therefore subject to division?

Even if on the off chance you had a prenuptial agreement or postnuptial agreement in place outlining each spouse’s business interest in the event of a divorce, a good family lawyer could likely rip it to shreds.

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Did you start the business, then after you got married, your spouse started working in it?

Some couples decide to start a business after they get married, use marital funds to launch in it, and work in it together. In that case, there’s almost no question 100% of the business is considered marital property as both spouses contributed. But let’s say you started your business 5 years before you got married. Then, after 7 years of marriage, you decide your business has grown to the point where it could support another employee. So you say to your spouse, “Congratulations! You’re hired!” and they join the business full-time.

After 4 years of working together, the pressure proves to be too much. Your spouse quits, asks for a divorce, and expects to get their fair share out of the business when it comes time to divide your property. The question now on the table is do you know what share of your business relationship is marital, pre-marital, or even non-marital (that is – the time only you worked in it even though you were married)?

Is it based on:

• The number of years each of you worked in the business?
• The revenue the business generated?
• The value you each provided to the operations and/or bottom line?
• All of the above?

If this is starting to sound like one of those math word problems that gave you nightmares in school, that’s because it is. And there’s no one size fits all answer to the question.

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Or is your spouse an owner “in name only?”

Some businesses assign an ownership interest to each spouse, with one spouse being an owner “in name only” (INO) – meaning they don’t work in the business on a day-to-day basis. What happens then?

For example, in the case of a divorce and LLC business, does the non owner spouse get a share based on what is outlined in the membership agreement? Or what if your spouse has no ownership at all? Can they get a share of additional marital property or other assets then?

What if they performed other tasks during the marriage such as childcare, or held down the fort at home while you were off building the business? Even if the you consider it an individual asset

Without your spouse caring for the kids and/or managing the house, you may not have been able to grow your business into the successful entity it is today. So while they may not have worked directly on or in your business, they may certainly have had a hand in its success. And the question of whether or not it’s non marital property gets complicated.

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Do you have a business partner?

Business ownership isn’t just about sole proprietorship as some people choose to start a business with a partner or partners who are not their spouse. But the line between a professional relationship and personal one can get complicated.

For example, in the case of a divorce and a limited liability company business, the membership agreement would define what share is yours, and what share belongs to your partner(s). As well as if there are any limitations in the buy sell agreement surrounding the sale of an ownership share of a business due to a divorce.

Parenting time, child support, and alimony can all be impacted in a business divorce.

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So far I’ve discussed many of the issues you and your divorcing spouse will face that are directly related to a divorce proceeding with a business involved. But in addition to the issues of valuations, buyouts, and who gets what share, other indirect issues arise in a business owner divorce process.

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How do you handle parenting time?

It’s no secret that an entrepreneur’s schedule can be erratic. Late-night customer emergencies. Early morning staffing issues. After-hours networking meetings. All of these happen outside of normal business hours.

But how will you be able to commit to a parenting time schedule when your calendar can change at a minute’s notice?

Your soon-to-be-ex may not be so accommodating of your last-minute emergencies and “Sorry, tell the kids I can’t make it” text messages. Not to mention, you really want to spend time with your kids.

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Child support and alimony can be difficult to agree on

One of the benefits of working for someone else (as an employee) is a steady paycheck. Both spouses know how much money is available to support the children, and both households, post-divorce. Which gives them a clear starting place in support negotiations. But if you own a business, issues surrounding alimony are far more complex.

First, it’s not uncommon for business owners to forgo a salary for many years. Choosing instead to take money out of the business only when necessary. In turn, it making their earnings unpredictable and inconsistent. And second, even if you are paying yourself a salary, the amount you take is predicated on the success of your business operations. If things aren’t going well, you may be forced to take a cut in pay.

But your children and your soon-to-be-ex spouses’ expenses are a constant. They’re counting on receiving a certain level of regular, monthly support. So, any variability in the amount they receive likely won’t work for them.

Shifting the conversation in a more positive direction, if things in your business are going well, not only will you receive your salary, but you may be able to take money out of the business in the form of a bonus. Which couldn’t have been accounted for at the start of your company’s fiscal year. Do your children and ex-spouse get to share in that, too?

And don’t forget, you’re likely able to run certain expenses through your business like:

• Cell phone plans;
• High-speed Internet;
• Automobile expenses; and
• Meals and entertainment

Non-business owners pay these expenses out of their paychecks. So, in a way, your paycheck stretches farther than theirs would.

While this may not be income in the traditional sense, how, if at all, do you account for it when it comes time to negotiate support?

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Key takeaways

[/fusion_title][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” user_select=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” content_alignment_medium=”” content_alignment_small=”left” content_alignment=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”list-ul-style” id=”” width_medium=”” width_small=”” width=”” min_width_medium=”” min_width_small=”” min_width=”” max_width_medium=”” max_width_small=”” max_width=”” margin_top=”” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” fusion_font_family_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_text_font=”” font_size=”16px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color6)” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

• Business valuation in divorce is complex, with multiple methods (cost, market, and income approaches) that can produce dramatically different results, potentially creating immediate conflict between spouses.
• The “key man problem” can significantly impact business value, especially for service-based businesses where the owner’s personal relationships and skills are critical to the business’s success.
• There are several options for dividing a business during divorce, including selling the business, continuing to co-own it, or one spouse buying out the other’s interests – each with unique challenges and considerations.
• Determining marital vs. separate business assets is complicated, involving factors like when the business was started, how it grew during the marriage, and each spouse’s contributions (both direct and indirect).
• Entrepreneurial schedules and inconsistent income can create significant challenges in determining child support, alimony, and parenting time arrangements.
• Business owners who reinvest profits instead of taking a salary can face additional complexities during divorce, potentially inflating the business’s value and complicating asset division.
• The unique nature of each business and divorce situation means there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to dividing business assets during a divorce.

[/fusion_text][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” user_select=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” content_alignment_medium=”” content_alignment_small=”left” content_alignment=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”list-ul-style” id=”” width_medium=”” width_small=”” width=”” min_width_medium=”” min_width_small=”” min_width=”” max_width_medium=”” max_width_small=”” max_width=”” margin_top=”40px” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” fusion_font_family_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_text_font=”” font_size=”16px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color6)” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

The bottom line: to protect your business, mediation is often recommended over litigation, as court proceedings can be lengthy, expensive, and result in outcomes that neither spouse finds satisfactory.

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Take your first step towards a peaceful divorce

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When couples come to me seeking a divorce after 20 years, I’ve noticed there’s often this sense of calm acceptance between them. They’ve raised their kids, they’ve lived full lives together, and now they’re realizing they want different things for their future.

It’s not that these divorces hurt any less – they absolutely do – but there’s usually this mutual understanding that as a couple, they’ve simply grown in different directions. Why is that? I believe it’s because as we hit our late 40s / early 50s, we suddenly realize life is too short to not be living it exactly as we want. So we look to make a significant change which comes in the form of ending our marriage.

While these divorces tend to be more peaceful, they come with their own unique set of challenges that need careful navigation.

So in this post, I’ll walk you through everything I’ve learned as a mediator about making this transition as smooth as possible, and share strategies that have helped the countless couples I’ve worked with who are divorcing after 20 years of marriage start their next chapters with confidence.

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Before we begin – Why do people divorce after 20 years of marriage?

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You would think that after sharing so much of their life together, a couple would stay committed until the end. But it’s not uncommon for one or both spouses to discover after spending two decades or more together, they’ve grown in different directions. And there’s a very real and common reason why this happens.

You see, as children become more independent and couples find themselves with more free time, many people start to reconnect with themselves in ways they never expected. And find they no longer want what they currently have.

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They seek personal growth

Think about it – when was the last time you truly explored your own interests? Many husbands and wives spend their entire marriage taking care of their family, pursuing careers, and putting everyone else’s needs first. While setting aside their personal dreams and passions. Suddenly, with kids grown and responsibilities shifting, there’s space to ask yourself big questions like: Who am I now? What do I want from life? And where do I go from here?

These moments of self-discovery can be both exciting and challenging, especially when they reveal that you and your spouse may have grown apart and there’s no longer an emotional connection. In cases like these, it’s not about infidelity, trust issues, or the failure of the other person to make you happy.

Instead, it’s about hope and the courage to embrace your future goals so you can make you happy. And it’s on this journey that people discover new interests, make new friends, and realize they’re craving a different kind of relationship. One that truly reflects who they’ve become. And with someone other than their spouse.

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The challenges of divorce after 20 years of marriage

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Let’s now take a closer look at how divorcing after 20 years of marriage (or more) can impact the specific parental and financial issues you’ll face and what you can do to address them.

Parental issues:

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How your children will take the news of your divorce after 20 years

Chances are good you have teenagers and deliberately waited until the kids were older thinking it was in their best interest. For the older couples I’ve worked with, this is the #1 reason why they waited get a divorce.

As I’m sure you know, teenage years are unique in your child’s development. The focus of their life is no longer on the home and you their parents, but on their own new hobbies and interests, school, peers and independence. Making them very critical about your divorce – to put it mildly – with a common refrain being “how could you do this to me!?”

Hurt feelings aside (theirs and yours) you need to be prepared for this possible reaction so you can provide the necessary emotional support to help your kids cope with the divorce. Some people feel it’s helpful for kids to participate in both family therapy as well as individual counselling – despite them telling you “I’m fine!” – to help them manage their emotions and ease the transition.

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Crafting your parenting plan

Negotiating a set, repeating schedule and maintaining a united front as parents when divorcing after 20 years is critical to ensuring children’s well being. Despite their protests to the contrary, kids need routine and to understand boundaries. Having a parenting plan in place can offer both you and them a sense of calm and structure.

Many of the parents I work with insist they don’t need a parenting plan; instead allowing their children to decide with whom they’ll live, and when they’ll visit the other parent. And while giving your kids some autonomy may seem like a good idea, the lack of structure can lead to issues between parents and children. As kids will choose either the parent they like better (creating a division between you and your now ex-husband or ex-wife) or the one that lets them get away with whatever they want!

If you want to sit with them, talk to them, and ask them what kind of parenting time arrangement they’d like, that’s fine. But remember you are the adults and setting the schedule is up to you. In my experience a “one week on, one week off” schedule tends to work best for teenagers with a changeover on either Friday or Sunday night.

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Financial issues:

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What to do with your marital home (if you own one)

Many parents of teenagers tell me “we want to keep the house for the sake of the children so we can minimize the upheaval the divorce will have on their family life and schoolwork.” Which makes perfect sense as chances are your kids are in high school, and have known the same group of friends for more than a decade.

But since the house is typically the most significant marital asset a couple like you owns, it means you need to figure out how to financially support two separate households: with one of you staying in the marital home while the other finds another place to live. Unless, of course, you decide to both remain in the marital home for some time after your divorce. And that comes with other challenges.

One possibility parents are considering to achieve this goal – and it’s something we’re seeing more these days given the cost of housing and interest rates – are nesting plans. But to see if it’s even a possibility, you’ll need to create a budget that captures the expenses of keeping the marital home and possibly renting a second residence. If you need some help doing so, check out our pre-divorce financial preparation kit.

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The complexity of child support for teenagers

For couples divorcing after 20 years, child support can get complicated when children approach college age. Most state guidelines adjust support based on the number of children, meaning support will likely decrease as each of your kids leaves home. But unless you’ve got one of those kids who never comes home on holidays or summer break, most college students I know spend up to 22 weeks a year at home. And while they’re there, still incur expenses that don’t disappear when child support changes.

One strategy I suggest to my client couples is to consider a reduced amount of child support for their college aged child(ren) to ensure their needs continue to be met regardless of whether they’re living at home, or have left home and are living on campus.

And if your kids are still in high school? Since teenagers expenses are far greater than younger children, that will require some careful planning too. One approach I use to address this for couples with teenagers is to negotiate a higher than guideline recommended child support amount to ensure their kids expenses are adequately covered. Unless your state like New Jersey’s child support guideline already factors that in.

As you’re learning, in cases of a long marriage like yours, child support conversations require far more thought and care than just running a guideline calculator and accepting the output.

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Changes to how the length of alimony / spousal support is determined

In the past, it was common for couples divorcing after 20 years of marriage, to have an alimony agreement that required one partner to pay their former partner in perpetuity (aka permanent alimony.) But these days that’s typically no longer the case.

For example, alimony reform in New Jersey included a provision that for marriages that last 20 years or less, the length of alimony payments cannot exceed the length of the marriage unless a judge decides that there are exceptional circumstances. So in the past, a former spouse who got divorced after a 20 years marriage might have been eligible to receive permanent alimony. But today, there are no guarantees.

To help my client couples negotiate this thorny issue, I approach this from a variety of angles. Factoring in things like each party’s needs, age, ability to earn an income, where will the children be living, and even what their Social Security earnings or property division agreement looks like to help them determine duration.

Unfortunately, unlike child support where each state is required to have a guideline, there are no such requirements for alimony. How it works and how it’s determined isn’t always clear, and is subject to negotiation. Which as you’ll learn later in this post is why it’s so important to mediate your divorce.

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The challenges of divorce after 25 years

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Similar to a 20 year divorce, divorce after 25 years, will center around issues related to children and finances. But a lot can happen in those additional 5+ years. Chances greatly increase that most (if not all) children are in college, and some may have even graduated.

Here are some issues the couples I work with encounter in a divorce after 25 years of marriage and strategies I’ve used to help address them.

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Parental issues:

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How your children will take the news of your divorce after 25 years

It’s a common misconception that older children take the news of their parents divorce better than young children. When in fact, the opposite is true. And if you’re getting in a divorce after 25 years, there is an excellent chance your children are no longer minors but older “adults.”

On one hand you might be tempted to think “oh well, they’re adults. They’ll get used to it.” But that can be a big mistake. Despite their insistence they’re adults, no matter how old they are, they are still your children. And will want to be treated as such. Confusing, I know…

In cases like yours, family therapy can allow all of you to discuss the life changes you’ll all be experiencing in a caring and supportive environment. By including them in the conversation you’re acknowledging their standing as adults, but can also openly express to them as their parents, how much you care for them, and want to make sure they’re OK.

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Dealing with “slow to launch” children

Many children leaving home these days face significant challenges to independence, including high student loan debt and the rising cost of living. Over my decades of mediating, I’ve noticed it’s become increasingly common for young adults to return home after completing their education. This trend, often referred to as “boomeranging,” presents a real challenge for divorcing parents.

While you may not need a formal parenting plan for your adult children, some of the people I work with feel it’s important to consider the possibility their children might return home, and to plan what financial support each parent will provide as their children try to establish themselves. In mediation, we negotiate what I call “support of your children.”

Rather than using state guidelines to determine child support (as you would with minor children), we create a budget-based approach. This helps determine what costs need to be covered if you have a boomeranging child, and whether it makes sense to keep the house until you know where they’ll end up. This way, if your college graduate decides to live with one of you in the future, that parent won’t be solely responsible for providing financial support or finding space for them in that parent’s new residence.

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Financial issues:

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The decision to keep or sell the marital home becomes even more difficult

As we discussed there is the distinct possibility of children “boomeranging” back home once they’ve graduated college. In a divorce after 25 years, it’s extremely likely at least one of your two or three children is in college, and one (or more) may have even graduated.

If you’re facing divorce as an empty nester, you’ll need to ask yourself how important it is for your kids to return to the house they grew up in on holidays and school breaks. Or if it’s ok to sell the house now since the kids are primarily living at school for most of the year. And if they have boomeranged, where can they / you go if you decide to sell it?

Because your children are no longer minors, they may want to have a say in your decision. So don’t be afraid to include them but once again, you’re the adults and need to have the final say. Working through if this is even possible starts with a solid budget, so before you even discuss this complex issue, make sure to “do the math” to see if it’s even possible.

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Buying out the marital home gets even harder

When divorcing after 25 years of marriage, there’s a good chance your house is fully or almost paid off. Meaning one of you is going to have to procure a hefty mortgage to buy the other party out or you’ll each walk away with a nice sum to put down on a place of your own after the divorce process is finished. In both of these cases, if you’re the spouse who worked inside the home raising children, getting approved for a mortgage without an income history is going to be tough. So regardless of whether or not you want to buy your spouse out of the marital home, or prefer to buy a place of your own, doing so may prove challenging.

Two options I help couples consider are delaying the sale of the home until retirement and exchanging the equity in the home for some other asset. In both of these cases, if you’re the spouse who wants to remain, you can do so without having to uproot yourself immediately after your divorce. But be careful to not only consider the financial implications, but the tactical ones as well. Homes require maintenance and upkeep so ask yourself if you really want to be cutting that grass or dealing with a leaky water heater by yourself once your divorce is final.

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Alimony / spousal support and the 25 year marriage

If your role was to “work inside the home” and raise your children, chances are you’ve been out of the workforce for many years. And even if you got a job when your kids graduated high school just to keep yourself busy, it’s unlikely the money is enough to support yourself on what you take home.

Many states are allowing alimony to end upon the retirement of the paying spouse (usually age 67). That means even when divorcing after 25 years, you might only be receiving alimony for a few years which may not be enough time for you to get back on your feet and establish your own separate life.

To help with this, there are two things you can consider. First is something I call rehabilitative alimony. It’s alimony paid in addition to periodic payments that allows the receiving spouse to return to college or receive additional training to improve their future financial potential. And the second is receiving an additional share of property division in exchange for a shorter duration of alimony. Both of these options are things I explore with client couples who find themselves in this situation. So with some careful planning, and the guidance of a negotiation professional like me, perhaps it may be worth exploring.

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Paying for college as a form of child support

Another interesting development is in the area of who pays for college when parents divorce after 25 years. Couples are often surprised to find out that if they remain married, they’d have no formal obligation to pay for their children’s college education. Even though they may choose to do so on their own. But when they get divorced after 25 years, in some states like Illinois and New Jersey, they may be required to contribute to college.

Be sure to come to terms on what each of your contributions to college will be (if any) and what marital assets you may use to satisfy those obligations. As I’d hate for you to both wind up like me and my parents did, litigating this issue in court. Formalizing these agreements in writing and setting aside the funds can help you avoid arguments down the road, and stay out of court.

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Remember: life is short so keep the divorce process peaceful

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After twenty years of marriage, you’ve built a lifetime of memories together. While your paths are now diverging, those years weren’t wasted – they were part of both your journeys, filled with shared experiences that helped shape who you are today.

Love takes many forms, and sometimes the most loving choice is recognizing when it’s time to walk separate paths. This doesn’t diminish the relationship you’ve had or the care you still have for each other. People grow and change over time, and that’s not only natural – it’s part of being human.

Choosing an amicable divorce through mediation honors both your shared past and your individual futures. It allows you to preserve the dignity of your relationship while opening the door to new possibilities. By working together one final time, you can:

• Protect the precious memories you’ve created together
• Save valuable time and financial resources for your next chapter
• Begin your healing process sooner rather than later
• Maintain mutual respect and understanding

Being closer to retirement means protecting your financial future is more important than ever. Mediation helps you avoid costly, drawn-out legal battles that drain both your emotional and financial resources. Instead, you can work together to create a thoughtful transition that respects both your needs.

When you choose mediation, you’re saying, “Our time together mattered, and how we end this chapter matters too.” It’s about acknowledging that while your love has transformed, your ability to treat each other with kindness and respect remains unchanged. This approach creates space for both of you to move forward with hope, dignity, and the excitement of discovering what your next chapter holds.

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Key takeaways

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• Personal growth is often the primary reason couples divorce after long marriages, as individuals rediscover themselves when children become more independent.
• Teenage and adult children can have complex emotional reactions to parental divorce, making family therapy and open communication crucial.
• Financial considerations are intricate, including decisions about the marital home, child support for teenagers and college-aged children, and potential alimony limitations.
• Many states now limit alimony duration, even for marriages lasting 20-25 years, which can create financial challenges for the spouse who was primarily a homemaker.
• “Boomerang” children (young adults returning home after college) add complexity to divorce negotiations about housing and living arrangements.
• Some states may require divorced parents to contribute to college expenses, which differs from obligations during marriage.
• Creating a structured parenting plan remains important, even with older children, to minimize potential conflicts and provide stability.
• Career counseling or returning to college can be valuable strategies for the spouse seeking to re-enter the workforce after a long marriage.

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