Divorce represents one of life's most challenging transitions, but proper preparation can make the process more manageable and peaceful. Drawing from the wisdom of experienced divorce mediators, divorce coaches, family law attorneys, therapists, and other professionals, we've put together this comprehensive guide, sharing divorce advice from 54 experts (including ourselves!) to help you navigate the complex journey ahead.
Essential steps for a peaceful divorce process
Cheryl Dillon, CPC, Divorce Coach and Co-Founder of Equitable Mediation Services, emphasizes that choosing the right approach from the beginning is crucial. "When it comes to a divorce strategy, you've got plenty of choices," she explains. "You can litigate and battle it out in court, try to do it yourself if you have a simple case, collaborate with multiple professionals, or mediate your divorce. Take the time up front to do your homework and research all of the available options. Then, choose the one that's most likely to keep your divorce as peaceful as possible."
Critical financial considerations
Joe Dillon, MBA, Divorce Mediator and Founder of Equitable Mediation Services, offers valuable insight into the financial reality of divorce: "Many people think divorce is a legal matter. And to a certain extent, it is. After all, a divorce must be filed with the courts in order for it to be granted. But when you really take a closer look at what exactly happens in a divorce, you'll learn that divorce is less about the law and more about negotiation and money (and parenting, if you have children)."
He emphasizes six key financial considerations to address before beginning the divorce process:
- Current financial stability: "There's a common misconception that divorce creates income," Joe notes. "But in reality, all it does is create expense. When you separate your lives, you'll now have two of everything - two housing payments, two sets of utility bills, two health insurance policies, etc."
- Housing decisions: Consider carefully whether keeping the family home makes financial sense. Beyond the mortgage and utilities, factor in maintenance costs, potential repairs, and long-term sustainability.
- Employment stability: Assess both spouses' job security, as this directly impacts support payments and financial planning. As Joe points out, "You can't get child support or alimony from an unemployed ex-husband (or wife)."
- Post-divorce living expenses: Research and calculate anticipated living costs after divorce. Many are surprised to discover that support payments may not fully cover all expenses.
- Divorce process costs: Choose your divorce process wisely, as it significantly impacts overall costs. Mediation typically costs far less than litigation.
- Long-term financial planning: Consider both immediate and future financial needs, including inflation and changing children's expenses over time.
Taking control of the process
Cheryl Dillon emphasizes the importance of active participation: "Don't be a passive observer of your own divorce – this is your divorce so take control of the process. Listen to your chosen divorce professional, but be prepared to make your own decisions." She recommends several key steps:
- Get organized: Begin gathering essential documents, including:
- Recent federal and state tax returns
- W2s and pay stubs
- Bank account statements
- Brokerage account statements
- Credit card statements
- Insurance policies
- Retirement and investment accounts
- Mortgage statements
- Car loan statements
- Other marital assets documentation
- Create a budget: Develop both current and projected post-divorce budgets to understand changing financial needs.
- Maintain integrity: "No matter how angry or betrayed you might feel," Cheryl advises, "do not let your spouse get the best of you and take you out of your integrity. Stay off social media and resist venting details of your divorce to anyone who will listen."
- Focus on the big picture: "The decisions you'll need to make during the divorce process will affect you and your children for years to come," Cheryl notes, "so don't get bogged down in fighting over semantics or trying to be right."
Understanding the financial reality of divorce
The financial implications of divorce extend far beyond the initial separation. Let's explore these considerations in detail.
The true cost of separate lives
One of the most significant financial challenges in divorce comes from duplicating expenses. When a household splits, you'll need more money to maintain two separate homes, which means:
- Two housing payments (rent or mortgage)
- Separate utility bills for each residence
- Individual insurance policies
- Separate household supplies and furnishings
- Individual cell phone plans and other services
Additionally, you'll lose the financial benefits of combined households, such as:
- Multi-car insurance discounts
- Family plan savings on services
- Shared subscriptions and memberships
- Bulk shopping advantages
- Shared utility costs
Evaluating housing decisions
The family home often becomes a focal point of divorce negotiations, but careful consideration beyond emotional attachments is essential. When deciding whether to keep the house, consider:
Immediate costs:
- Monthly mortgage payments
- Property taxes
- Utility bills
- Regular maintenance
Long-term expenses:
- Roof replacement ($10,000 - $30,000)
- HVAC system updates ($2,000 - $10,000)
- Major appliance replacements
- Ongoing landscaping and maintenance
- Emergency repairs
Chart your course to a peaceful divorce
Your roadmap for how to prepare for divorce - the right way, starts here.Understanding the emotional landscape
Taking time to process
As divorce coach Mandy Walker emphasizes, "Take your time. This applies to many aspects of getting divorced, from making the decision to divorce to all the logistical aspects of separating from your spouse to the whole legal separation process itself." Most situations don't require immediate action, so beware of arbitrary deadlines that create unnecessary pressure.
Dr. Bridget Tremblay, a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, notes that "there's inevitably a level of emotion and grief with going through a divorce, even if you are the one filing or requesting for one." She recommends seeking professional help to process these emotions effectively.
Managing your emotional well-being
Licensed Clinical Social Worker Susan Mason stresses the importance of learning to manage your feelings: "Divorce can be an emotional roller coaster, with lots of feelings coming up that may overwhelm you." Finding emotional support through good friends,, therapists, or support groups is crucial for maintaining stability during this transition.
Winifred M. Reilly, MS, MFT, adds valuable insight about accepting the reality of divorce: "Maybe you initiated the divorce after years of marriage work, difficulty and disappointment. Maybe the divorce wasn't your idea in the first place and, like it or not, here you are. Either way, most people come to divorce with some regrets about their own actions."
Setting intentions for the process
Kate Engler, AMFT, recommends writing a mission statement: "Take time to reflect on your goals for the divorce, yourself, and your life. Think about your ideal self, your vision for co-parenting and legal custody (if applicable), how you want to handle disputes and resentments, and creating opportunities for self-forgiveness during setbacks."
Protecting children during divorce
Creating a united front
Child psychologist Nancy Samalin provides essential guidance: "Never bad-mouth the other parent in any way. When one parent says anything negative about their ex-spouse in front of their child, that child is being put in an impossible position."
Gillian A. Brady emphasizes three key points:
- Don't let emotions about one another affect decisions regarding the children
- Recognize and respect the wide range of emotions your child has regarding the divorce
- Treat your children as children, not as adults
Supporting children's emotional needs
Claudia Rosen, LCSW, advises: "Children don't always talk directly about how they feel about the divorce. So listen carefully to their expressions of frustration, anger and sadness about whatever it is they can talk about. They may express more negative feelings about school, friends or life in general."
Building your support system
Professional support network
A comprehensive support team might include:
- An experienced divorce mediator or family law attorney
- A financial advisor
- A therapist or counselor
- A support group
- A divorce coach
David Klow, LMFT, emphasizes the importance of staying connected: "During a divorce, people often feel the foundation of their life change in dramatic ways. Everything that they once knew is no longer there."
Personal support system
Monica Garbisch, Divorce Coach, advises: "Seek out support that feels positive and even uplifting when you are talking or spending time with that person. It may be someone who is a good listener but doesn't give advice, or it may be someone who has a similar interest that will help you stay positive and get through this period."
Practical aspects of divorce preparation
Creating structure during transition
L.L., a former divorce mediation client, emphasizes the importance of establishing routines: "We are all creatures of habit. Routine and repetition is a good way to create a sense of safety. Even if the bigger stuff seems hard to pin down at this point, find smaller tasks, rituals, events in the day to create a routine around."
Documentation and journaling
L.L. also recommends keeping a journal throughout the process: "You are going to make some critical decisions that will have a significant impact on your life. You need a clear head. Some days you may write three words like: 'I HATE THIS!' Others, you may find pages and pages inking out before you. Either way, it is a way to release, validate and purge every and all the things you are feeling."
Managing communication
Jessica Rothman Miro, LMFT, emphasizes structured communication: "If there are times set up to communicate, and these times are segmented between logistics and emotions, you can feel as though things are still moving forward while still having room for the roller coaster of emotions you may face."
Understanding relationship dynamics
Recognizing patterns
Dr. Denise Wade, Ph.D., CMRC, provides insight into relationship patterns: "Men and women learn how to love and be loved by watching their parents. So you learned about love long before you met your partner and this unconsciously influenced your relationship. Patterns of attachment, attraction, avoidance, and control were conditioned into you by age six."
Managing expectations
Jackie Printon, LCSW, offers valuable advice about expectations: "Don't expect your spouse to change. The traits that have frustrated you in your marriage will likely remain during the divorce. Whether your spouse is passive and unable to make good decisions, controlling and argumentative or distant and uncommunicative, these traits may well be evident during mediation as well."
Maintaining perspective
Greg Rizzolo, MA, LCPC, provides insight about emotional perception: "Don't assume that, if your partner isn't suffering or hurting visibly, or in the way that you are, that he or she isn't feeling the loss. People register intense pain differently and often unconsciously."
Self-care and personal growth
Physical and mental health
Denise K. Netko, LMFT, emphasizes comprehensive self-care: "Trying to maintain healthy eating, sleep and exercise will help your mind and body cope with the overall stress. Additionally, incorporating activities such as meditation and yoga can help explore and increase the mind-body connection."
Professional support
Jennifer Filicky Hull, LCPC, advocates for therapeutic support: "Many people think couples counseling is only for people who are trying to repair their marriage. Couples counseling can also be a safe space to begin to discuss the divorce process. Working with a skilled therapist can allow each party to feel heard and respected."
Finding balance
Anviksha Kalscheur, LMFT, discusses emotional processing: "Just because we feel pain or anger does not mean we need to act or react in accordance with it. It can be helpful to create a consistent time and space regularly where each spouse and also the children together or separately can just 'be' with whatever emotions and feelings they are having."
Planning for post-divorce life
Career and financial independence
Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, advises on preparation: "Get your life lined up BEFORE you divorce. This may mean going back to school now, getting a job lined up now, getting credit cards in your name now or pre-qualifying for a house now, BEFORE you split."
Rebuilding identity
Monica Garbisch provides perspective on personal identity: "One last thing to remember, just like graduation, marriage, a child being born or any other event, divorce is not your life but a chapter of your life story."
Setting new goals
Dana Hirt emphasizes forward momentum: "The past, however challenging or disappointing, is the PAST. Focus on the future and your desire to have a peaceful divorce, to protect your minor children, and to be able to look in the mirror at the end of each day and know you have comported yourself with dignity and grace through this difficult time."
Navigating the legal process
Understanding your options
William Geary, an experienced divorce lawyer and mediator, explains: "Consider not doing a divorce, per se, but doing a dissolution of marriage. Divorces concern issues upon which parties cannot agree. If the parties can agree, they can do a dissolution of marriage which is much faster to complete and much, much, less expensive."
Working with professionals
Amanda M. Jarratt emphasizes cooperation in financial matters: "The pie to be divided is limited. During a divorce, you will meet a number of pie-loving professionals. Be careful to save some pie for the people who baked it: you and your soon to be former spouse."
Maintaining perspective
Carolyn Bone advises: "Divorce is almost always an emotionally difficult process, but at its heart, what you are really doing - as a client or an attorney - is problem solving. As much as possible, try to focus on solving problems in a workable, sustainable way that you can live with, rather than focusing on who is 'right' or 'wrong.'"
Common mistakes to avoid during divorce
Understanding common pitfalls can help you navigate your divorce more successfully. Our experts highlight several crucial mistakes to avoid during this challenging transition.
Rushing the process
Morghan Richardson, Esq., warns against moving too quickly: "Most people are uncomfortable with conflict. But you cannot afford to 'ghost' out of a marriage when you have kids and property to divide. If you haven't told your spouse you are unhappy, the news of a divorce will be even more devastating to them." She recommends having several conversations about your unhappiness before proceeding with legal action.
Making emotional financial decisions
Elizabeth Esrey emphasizes financial prudence: "Don't let yourself lose control of the finances behind the process for the sake of 'getting even' or 'making him/her pay'. I've worked with too many parties who got what they wanted in their attorney-driven divorce and couldn't afford it."
Neglecting documentation
Jackie Pilossoph shares a crucial insight from her own experience: "One mistake I made during my divorce was, I trusted my attorney and didn't really understand what I was signing. I didn't realize that I had the option of actually reading all of the documents word for word and really understanding the deals I was making." She emphasizes the importance of understanding every document you sign.
Involving children in conflict
Arthur Nielsen, MD, emphasizes a critical point about children: "Keep in mind the wisdom that (with only a few, dire exceptions), you should not criticize your ex-spouse in front of your children. Research actually shows that doing so will cause more distance from YOU. Kids don't want to be in the middle and shouldn't have to be."
Mishandling social media
Virginia L. Colin, Ph.D., offers straightforward advice: "Do not post anything that you would not want your ex, the judge, your mom, or your kids to see. Maybe stay off social media until the divorce is final." This guidance can prevent unnecessary complications and emotional escalation.
Refusing to consider mediation
Mark B. Baer, Esq., points out a common misconception: "Don't assume that your divorce case cannot be handled through mediation or collaborative divorce process because the two of you aren't amicable and have trust issues. Well-trained mediators and collaborative divorce practitioners have acquired skills to de-escalate conflicts and rebuild trust."
Letting others drive your decisions
Denise Wade, Ph.D., warns about external influences: "During this transition, family members and friends you have depended upon for unconditional support may challenge your choices, criticize your judgment about an ex, or judge your daily decision making abilities about your children. Don't allow others' fears, insecurities, and resentment cause you to doubt yourself."
Ignoring self-care
John Knoerzer, LCSW, emphasizes the importance of emotional management: "Emotions can run high during a divorce, so it is important to make time for self-care activities to manage your emotions. By articulating your core needs, you can help keep a difficult process from getting overwhelming."
Making assumptions about your spouse
Moné Ardura and Danny Burk share a valuable perspective: "You have to play the cards YOU dealt yourself when you decided to marry the person you are now divorcing!" They emphasize understanding your spouse's conflict style and adjusting your expectations accordingly rather than expecting dramatic changes during divorce.
Failing to plan long-term
Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, points out: "People can actually plan their divorce rather than make a split decision and have the chips fall where they may." She advocates for thoughtful preparation and consideration of long-term implications rather than reactive decision-making.
Looking toward the future
Personal growth and recovery
Cori Dixon-Fyle, LCSW, suggests reframing the divorce narrative: "Divorce does not have to be stigmatized as a 'failure'. Instead, divorce can often be reframed and seen as a success and a new transition to a healthier and happier life for the two of you."
Karen Starr, LCPC, reminds us that "recovery from divorce is often an ongoing process. Most people continue to work through various stages of this very difficult journey even five years on. Nevertheless, it can be viewed as a time of hope."
Conclusion
Preparing for divorce requires careful attention to emotional, legal, and practical considerations. By following the guidance of these experienced professionals and maintaining focus on creating a peaceful process, you can navigate this challenging transition more effectively. Remember that this is not just an ending but also the beginning of a new chapter in your life.
Whether you choose to work with a divorce attorney, pursue mediation, or explore other options, the key is to remain focused on your long-term well-being and, if you have children, their best interests. With proper preparation and support, you can move through this process with dignity and emerge stronger on the other side.
As Jennifer Howe, LCSW, wisely notes: "Do everything in your power to cultivate genuine respect and compassion for your partner, no matter how impossible that seems. There is a higher ground and it does provide more authentic rewards in the long run."