Tag: Preparing for Divorce

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“I want to divorce my wife.” It’s something I hear a lot as a divorce coach.

I’ll bet it’s not a decision you made quickly. In fact, most husbands take at least two years from the time the thought first enters their mind until the time they tell their spouse they want to end the marriage.

Wanting to leave your spouse does not make you a bad person.

So what happens when as an unhappy spouse, you finally muster up the courage to have that difficult conversation, only for your wife to tell you she’s not ready or unwilling to take that step? Or, she doesn’t deal with the situation at all, thinking that if she refuses to cooperate, the divorce process won’t or can’t happen?

What can you do when as a husband you want a divorce but your wife doesn’t? Will you be forced to remain in an unhappy marriage with a reluctant spouse, feeling guilty for the rest of your life, because your wife knows you want out? Or be forced to blow things up with lawyers?

Let’s take a closer at a step-by-step action plan which when followed, will (hopefully) help your wife understand you want a divorce, and agree to move forward in a peaceful and cost-effective manner.

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I want a divorce but my wife doesn’t: The truth about getting a divorce

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There’s a common misconception that when a husband wants a divorce, his spouse has the option of not giving him one.

But the reality is that if you want to get a divorce, then you’ll both be getting a divorce.

Unlike a marriage which takes two people to enter into, getting a divorce is an action that can be taken by just one spouse.

Naturally, in order for a husband to divorce his wife, the divorce needs to be granted by the courts. And a divorce decree will only be possible after all relevant legal and financial issues are negotiated and resolved to the former married couple’s mutual satisfaction. But the divorce process itself, only takes one person to initiate it.

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You’re well within your rights to serve your wife  with divorce papers

Because as much as you are well within your rights to file a divorce petition with the courts, in her own mind, your wife is well within her rights to argue any and all points she sees fit with respect to alimony (spousal support / maintenance), child support, property division and the arrangement for parenting your children.

This can go on for a very long time – as long as the two of you continue to litigate and you have the money to keep paying your divorce lawyers. If you want an uncontested divorce but your partner doesn’t, it looks like you’ll have no choice but to hire a divorce attorney and litigate, right?

Wrong.

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But be prepared! As taking the divorce attorney / litigation route with a reluctant spouse will only make things worse

Not only can you look forward to a long, drawn-out battle with a hurt and angry soon-to-be ex-wife, but you’re also looking at a hefty price tag in the tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Money that could be better spent on providing financial support to your soon-to-be-ex and/or children, or rebuilding your respective financial futures.

So before you go out, retain a divorce lawyer and serve your spouse divorce papers, understand there is a better option. But only if your wife is willing to cooperate and not be passive aggressive.

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What can I do when I want a divorce from my wife?

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If you want to divorce as peacefully as possible, you can end the marriage and get a no-fault divorce without a lawyer using mediation.

A good mediator will:

• Help both of you discuss your future and focus on moving forward, instead of arguing about your past relationship;
• Help to build trust and agreement through an open and transparent good-faith negotiation;
• Empower both you and your spouse to make the decisions that are in your mutual best interests and the best interests of your children.
• And offer the services of a divorce coach like me to help with the grieving process that a woman (and a man) ultimately go through when they decide to end their marriage.

Doing so will help you come to agreements you both find fair more peacefully, cost-effectively and in a lot less time than if you each hired a divorce lawyer and fought it out.

If you mediate, you’ll both be completely in control of the process as well as what your agreement and future looks like. Ensuring that each of you (and your children) gets what you want, need and deserve. While preserving the wealth you’ve worked so hard to acquire.

So if you’re in a situation where as a husband, you want a divorce but your wife doesn’t, the best way to move forward is to mediate your divorce.

But mediation is a voluntary process so both of you need to be willing to mediate.

To help move your divorce proceedings in the direction of mediation, here are some things you can do to try and convince your spouse that mediation is the way to go:

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1. Help your wife understand that the divorce proceeding is inevitable.

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Perhaps your spouse doesn’t believe you’re serious about ending the marriage. Or thinks if you try marriage counseling one more time, the hope is your relationship will get better – especially if she’s still in love with you – and you’ll stay married.

You need to find the best way to tell your wife you want a divorce and let her know that when you talk, no matter how much she resists, it’s still going to happen.

It can actually be beneficial to enlist a marriage and family therapist or couples counselor to help you break this difficult news to your partner in person because it can provide a safe space to share your feelings. Then give your wife time to mentally process the information and (hopefully) accept the reality of the situation.

Men tend to be more “action-oriented” and want to move things forward as quickly as possible. But this is a time when patience is a virtue so don’t pressure her.

Remember, you’ve been thinking about getting a divorce or separation for a long time and your partner is just learning this news. She needs time to digest what’s going on in your relationship and process her feelings around the idea, so be compassionate and kind.

When she’s in the right frame of mind, take the time to explain to your wife the benefits of divorce mediation.

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2. Tell your wife that divorce mediation is best for your children.

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Let your wife know that if she leaves you no choice but to litigate, it will have a lasting negative impact on your children. Because that’s the last thing either of you would want for your kids. Joe still remembers his parents’ litigated divorce process and it’s been more than 30 years. It ruined any good memories he had of his childhood and teenage years as they were all spent in and out of courtrooms and lawyers’ offices.

Mediation, on the other hand, puts the needs of your children first which is exactly how it should be. Mediation encourages positive conflict resolution, open communication and amicable negotiation by divorcing spouses. And lets you make decisions as parents instead of litigants.

Mediation is not based on blame, fear, or guilt. And doesn’t require either of you to settle on an agreement neither of you is happy with.

By mediating your divorce, you can preserve your relationship instead of destroying it. And you can set a good foundation for co-parenting instead of putting your kids squarely in the middle of your divorce, the way Joe’s parents did to him.

No loving mom wants to deliberately hurt her children. So if your wife would rather the kids see both of you acting maturely and putting them first, mediation is the best way to go.

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3. Help your wife understand that settlements reached using mediation are more fair and equitable to both of you.

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There’s no way your wife could want to let a divorce lawyer or unsympathetic family law judge in court make life-changing decisions about her children and financial future.

Especially since outcomes by court order are always uncertain in a litigated divorce case.

What many wives fail to realize is that the legal system is broken when it comes to family matters. The laws are unclear, many divorce attorneys are out for their own financial gain and you never know what side of an issue a family law judge will rule on in court.

On the other hand, mediation enables both of you to control the terms of your divorce settlement – out of court. And when she (and you) gets a direct say in creating the terms of the settlement, you’re both more likely to find it fair and equitable.

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4. Make the case to your partner that mediation is the most peaceful and cost-effective divorce process.

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Tell your wife you want your divorce to be as amicable as possible. And tell her you don’t want both of you to have to spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars on your divorce process fighting with lawyers.

And that the more you spend on legal fees, the less money you’ll have left over to pay child support, fund your retirements or keep her and the kids in the house. You’d rather preserve your collective financial resources so you can take care of your kids and invest in your futures.

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5. What can I do when I want a divorce but my wife doesn’t? Reassure her.

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The biggest reason you may be left thinking, “I want a divorce but my wife doesn’t,” is because your wife is scared. Especially if it’s a long-term marriage, she’s facing divorce as a stay at home mom, and hasn’t worked outside of the marital home in years.

Child support and alimony laws are unclear and your wife may be frightened because she doesn’t know how she’ll be able to support herself or keep the kids in the house after the marriage ends and you’re no longer husband and wife. So if you want to proceed with divorce or separation you need to reassure your spouse that this wasn’t a decision you made lightly. And there’s nothing she can do to change your mind or feelings about the relationship.

Let her know the children are your number one priority. And that you’ll do everything you can to ensure your divorce or separation agreement is fair and you both have enough to live and that mediation is the best way to do that.

If you do these things, you just might improve the likelihood she’ll agree to a divorce.

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Bonus tip. Involve your wife in choosing a divorce mediator.

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You already know that divorce mediators are neutral third parties that don’t take sides. It’s their job to ensure that both you and your wife’s needs and interests are fully explored, while helping you create together, a mutually agreeable settlement. But your spouse may not know that. Thinking since you found the mediator, that they’re your mediator. And are going to take your side.

By involving your spouse in choosing a divorce mediator, she may feel more at ease with both pursuing a divorce, and using mediation to do so. Thereby improving your chances of not only getting your wife to agree to divorce, but having a peaceful one at that.

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Key takeaways

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• Remember that wanting a divorce doesn’t make you a bad person – it’s often a decision that takes years of careful thought and consideration before being voiced.
• While marriage requires two willing people, divorce can legally proceed with just one spouse’s decision. However, the process will be much smoother and less costly if both partners can work together.
• Taking time to be patient and compassionate with your wife is crucial – while you’ve had time to consider this decision, the news may be completely unexpected for her. Give her space to understand and process her emotions.
• Consider using a marriage counselor or family therapist to help create a safe space for sharing this news with your wife. This professional setting can help both partners express their feelings and begin processing the situation.
• Mediation offers a more peaceful and cost-effective approach compared to litigation. It allows both partners to have direct input in decisions about their future, especially regarding children and finances.
• When discussing divorce with your wife, focus on reassuring her about priorities like the children’s wellbeing and financial security. Many spouses’ resistance comes from fear about what’s next, especially in long-term marriages or when one partner hasn’t worked outside the home.
• Consider involving your wife in choosing the mediator – this helps build trust in the process and shows your commitment to finding fair solutions together.

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Remember that preserving a respectful relationship, especially when children are involved, is valuable for everyone’s well-being. Mediation can help build a foundation for positive co-parenting rather than creating lasting conflict.

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Lay the groundwork for a peaceful
divorce

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The divorce advice for women you’ll read in this post came from a collaboration with an individual who has generously shared her experiences with divorce. Guest contributor and parenting coach, Dana Hirt, consciously set out to protect her three young children from the negative effects of divorce and in doing so, had a “good” divorce which paved the way to her own future happiness and the well-being of her entire family.

Dana shares her stay at home mom divorce story and offers some tips for how you, too, can plan a good divorce. Because as you’ll soon find out, divorcing with kids isn’t easy. And there definitely is a right way and a wrong way to go about divorce with young children involved!

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You’ve decided you want a divorce.

Deciding to divorce your partner – especially knowing what a destabilizing effect it will have on your children – is probably the most difficult choice you’ve ever considered. No doubt you spent many months deliberating, trying to come up with an alternative solution.

During that time, you likely fought for your marriage and your family with everything you had. Perhaps you worked with a therapist or attended a support group to ensure your decision was the right one. Having made the wrenching decision, you’re experiencing pain, anguish, sadness and uncertainty beyond what you think you can endure.

I know exactly how you feel.

Marriage and family, which have long been heralded as a central part of a successful society, were extremely important to me. When I married my husband at 26, it was “‘til death do us part.” The first years of marriage and family life went pretty much as I presumed they would. So, after 13 years of marriage when I found myself thinking about upending my marriage commitment, it felt inconceivable. Plus, it was difficult to face people who would consider me a failure at an institution in which I presumed I would excel.

When I first started thinking about divorce, I was the mother of three young children aged 12, 9 and 7, to whom I was fiercely devoted. As a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), protecting them from undue harm – and modeling how to live a rich and full life – was (and remains) my life’s purpose. In fact, equally important was to make sure they saw what a loving, enduring and mutually respectful marriage looked like. Given the circumstances in my marriage, divorcing their father was the only way to do that. There simply was no other way I could live my life with integrity. Even with the rightness of the decision on my side, and my desire to have a “good divorce,” the road was at times unendingly sad, fearful, and emotionally draining.

Going through the process of divorce and rebuilding my and my family’s lives that first year was one of the hardest periods of my adult life.

You’ve likely discovered that divorce is not only unsettling for you and your partner. Other people in your life – both close and tangential – may be emotionally triggered by the news. Some people will have no compunction telling you that you should have tried harder to keep your family together. Family and friends may not be supportive in ways you find meaningful or helpful. You may be given advice to do everything possible to eviscerate your partner in court and/or get the biggest financial settlement you possibly can. Another may suggest you interview every rock-star divorce attorney in town, thereby disqualifying those family law professionals as options for your husband.

It’s never easy to be in a fragile state of mind and have people project their issues onto your unique situation. But sad to say, it’s part of the process. What got me through was knowing that no matter how hard divorce would be on me, I was going to do whatever was necessary to ameliorate its impact on my kids at every step of the process – and to work with their father to do the same.

Let’s move on to talk about a subject near and dear to every SAHM’s heart… Putting your kids first. By deciding not to work outside the home while your kids were young, you clearly made the intentional decision to put your children and their needs before your desire for career fulfillment. That children-first decision is even more important now. Your kids are undergoing a massive rupture in their lives, which makes them more vulnerable and at risk. At this tenuous time in their young lives, your children will be watching and learning from you more than ever before.

The question you must ask yourself is this: What do you want them to see? My answer was that no matter what the circumstance, I wanted my children to see me comport myself with grace and dignity. I was determined to find a way to get my own emotional and psychological needs met without forfeiting my all-important job as their Mom.

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I wanted to have a good divorce. And at the end of every day, I wanted to be able to say I was doing the absolute best I could for my children.

In one way, I had a distinct, albeit unfortunate blueprint for how not to proceed. As a child of a horrific divorce, I knew how harrowing it could be on children. My folks did everything psychologists urge divorcing parents not to do.

They:

• Fought in front of us;

• Talked about each other to us kids;

• Acted spitefully and vindictively toward one another;

• Put us children in the middle;

• Forced a custody battle that nearly required court intervention.

Fortunately I was a resilient girl, and I found other adults to support and tend to me at a time when my parents did not or could not. Three decades later, I found myself keenly in touch with that early experience. Every decision I made…every situation my children came to me with…every interaction with their father was viewed through the lens of, “What did it feel like for me and how can I make it better for my kids?”

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Divorce Advice for Women: Valuable tools and tips for living through the divorce process.

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My experience – and those of many divorcing and divorced co-parents in my coaching practice – has demonstrated that while the road is difficult, it’s possible to survive and even thrive during and after divorce. Recent research on the effects of divorce on children is that it’s not divorce, per se, that psychologically damages children. It’s how you divorce that is the predictor of future problems. That makes being as mindful as possible as you go through the process absolutely essential.

While I understand that each divorce is unique, there are some valuable tips and advice that have helped me and other SAHMs to manage through divorce. Perhaps some of them will resonate with you:

• Remember that you can’t control your partner; you can only control what you do and how you act. Decide the mindset you want to have. Parent your kids how you believe is best.

• Find trusted people (family and/or friends) who will be there for you 24/7. Quality – not quantity, is what matters.

• Let yourself fall apart when you’re not on Mom duty.There were some days that I was a literal mess from the time I dropped my kids off at school in the morning until I picked them up. But at 3:05pm, Mommy was back, upbeat and there for my kids.

• Answer your children’s questions and address their fears in age-appropriate ways. Toddlers will be particularly sensitive to changes in their routines, so make every effort to try to maintain consistency even if it is between two homes. Also note that attachment to the primary caregiver may become more pronounced. Tweens may be especially concerned about how Daddy is doing, particularly if he moved out of the family home. Reassure them that he is taking good care of himself and that he would be happy to answer any questions they have about him directly. Then give their Dad a heads-up to prepare. Your teens probably will not be terribly surprised by the split, as by that age they tend to be receptive to even nuanced tension between parents. Given their development stage, their primary concern is likely to be themselves. Reassure them that you are okay and are handling things, and that proms, class trips and college visits will go on as planned.

• Divorce is an emotional roller coaster, so take extra good care of yourself: Seek therapy if you want or need professional support for how to cope with divorce. Find support groups of other divorced or divorcing SAHMs. Eat healthily and get at least some exercise. Do plenty of soothing self-care, whether that’s a bubble bath, buying fresh flowers or getting a massage.

• Confront the worst-case scenario that tops the list of your fears and decide what you will do if it comes to pass. I found that considering the ‘what ifs’ was helpful when I dealt with the ‘now thens’.

• Do your best to deflect rude or invasive comments about your divorce; fight the urge to defend your position or your ex-partner.

• Protect your children’s image of their father – regardless of what he may have done to you. For example, don’t use your kids as a wedge between you and their father. And don’t keep your children from spending time with their father to punish him.

• Unfair settlements hurt everyone – kids included. Keep focused on what is fair and equitable for all concerned.

• Don’t punish your ex-partner for abdicating his role as a more involved father if you both agreed he would be the breadwinner and you would be a SAHM. Reconsider that now you need a new agreement for how he will co-parent successfully when the kids are with him.
• Empower yourself by getting educated about the divorce process and its financial implications. Learn what the terminology means. Seek the guidance of a qualified professional to determine a fair amount and length of child support and/or alimony payments. Ask questions if your divorce mediator or attorney says something you don’t understand.

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My personal and professional experience with mediation.

Facing divorce as a stay at home mom, a number of people advised me to get an attorney to protect my interests, money and assets. Not sure which route to take, I asked a divorce attorney friend of mine for her professional opinion. She advised me to consider divorce mediation to work out the parenting agreement as well as any financial settlements with my soon-to-be ex.

Hiring a divorce lawyer and potentially triggering a litigious start, she said, would make an already difficult situation potentially much more gruesome emotionally. And if it got contentious, which attorney-driven divorces often do – it had the potential to harm our children unnecessarily.

I chose mediation…gratefully, the kids’ Dad felt similarly and agreed to this approach. In simple terms, divorce mediation is a process by which two individuals prioritize and articulate their individual desires, and then work in collaboration with professional mediators so that each party can get enough of what they need to agree to the dissolution of the marriage.

The right mindset is essential for a successful mediation, and both parties need to be committed to the process.

If you feel the need to punish your partner, mediation will likely be unsuccessful. If you feel extremely resentful, get the help and support you need so you don’t sacrifice your children’s well-being for the sake of vindication. Perhaps one of the biggest challenges of a divorce is accepting that you no longer will be able to control everything about your kids’ lives when they’re with their father. This is what makes a good parenting agreement the bedrock of a “good” divorce. Without a doubt, you’re going to have to cede control over certain aspects of your kids’ lives – and how their Dad chooses to parent them. So if you want to have a voice in the kid decisions that really matter – then you need to be able to cooperative and compromise with your ex-husband.

Personally, I found the experience of mediation to be empowering.

As a SAHM, I wondered if the mediator would consider me to be in a weaker position. But qualified mediators don’t allow for an imbalance of power. Their aim is to ensure that both partners feel equally empowered to advocate for what they deem to be fair and equitable for themselves and their children. Within six-eight sessions with the mediator (during which we had some conflict), my partner and I were able to agree to a parenting agreement, as well as a financial settlement – out of court.

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Recovering from divorce.

SAHMs are one of the most singularly capable human beings on the planet. Talented, industrious and caring, SAHMs are consummate managers of their kids’ lives, family life, community and school affairs — and often the finances and household upkeep. I often say that SAHMs are CEOS, CFOS, and COOs. That was me. Being my kids Mom was my job; it was how I defined my place in the world. To then be faced with the reality that my kids were no longer under my control 24/7/365 was threatening.

But as I look back, I realized that at some point I knew I could muster the capacity to manage the divorce. At first, of course, I just coped. Healing would come later. When you’re “coping,” you’re mostly on high alert – and occasionally on your last nerve. It’s like when you have a gravely sick child. You just do the things you need to do that absolutely must get done, without thinking about much else.

During the process of divorce, I often felt like I was drowning in fear or sadness or simply overwhelmed. So I gave myself permission to only take on what I needed to take on each day. Some days it was navigating the parenting agreement. Others, it was working with my ex to figure out how to set up the kids’ bedrooms in his new house. Always, when my kids were home with me, meeting their needs as best I could was what I focused on.

There were many days when all I could do was sit with the profound loss.

Forget about losing weight. Or learning a new language or anything else you had been doing pre-divorce. This is survival time. But eventually, I got through it. You will, too. The beginning of healing came once I was out of crisis mode and had the time and space to look to the future. My future.

And for the first time in a long time, I saw that one was available to me. The pain wasn’t entirely over, but enough time had passed and hurdles crossed that I had perspective.

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What did “healing” from divorce look like for me… and what might it look like for you?

• It was important to finally come to peace with my decision. To reconcile that ending my marriage was indeed the right choice.

• I solidified and stayed in touch with my network of support.

• I survived all the post-divorce “firsts” we inevitably must pass through: First weekend alone in the house. First wedding anniversary. First major holiday without the family all together. First time my husband took the kids on vacation without me.

• I learned to leverage my time without kids to manage all the necessary household tasks so that when my kids were with me I could be more present and engaged.

• I took advantage of time for myself to have dinner with friends…take an extra exercise class… pursue a hobby or other interests.

Sometimes the healing process brings us face-to-face with lost opportunities. I’ve coached some SAHMs in my practice who look back and wish they had done things differently. The two things I hear most often are, “I wish I would have left the marriage sooner.” And “I wish I would have had more confidence in myself and believed I would come out the other side.” As regrets go, those aren’t too bad. While I don’t necessarily advocate for divorce as a self-help method, I found it to be exactly that.

For me, there were a lot of positive things about divorce. Several key areas of growth have been particularly illuminating:

Mom bests “SUPERMOM.”

I saw in retrospect that my pre-divorce “Supermom” persona actually did my kids a disservice. During the divorce, there were days when I was barely keeping myself from drowning, much less able to ensure my kids were happily afloat. But afterwards, I realized that my kids were actually much more capable than I had given them credit for. Because I wasn’t able to super-manage every aspect of their lives, they had the space they needed to learn a few things on their own. Bottom-line, divorce was a big lesson in terms of getting out of my growing kids’ way. The more autonomy, independence and responsibility I gave them, the more they blossomed.

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Divorce takes two.

All of us eventually need to accept our role in the demise of our marriages. There are outliers, of course, but generally speaking, no single spouse is wholly responsible for a successful marriage. And no one spouse is wholly accountable for its end. I had always been a strong, independent, positive and active person, but in my marriage, I so sublimated my needs that I barely recognized myself. Once on the other side, I began to believe that I deserved to have a husband who is excited to see me at the end of every day, and who is proud of me and of what I do.

You’re stronger than you think!

It’s easy to underestimate one’s resilience when you’re carrying around a crushing boulder on your back. Divorce = loss; there’s no way around it. And losses must be mourned. But eventually, the spark of life returns, and you begin to claim your life once again. In my case, I learned not only was I resilient, but I surprised myself by being bigger, faster and stronger today than I ever was before!

Professionally, there are second acts.

In today’s society, the majority of SAHMs are educated and working in a professional capacity before deciding to stay home with young children. After divorce or once your kids are older, you have a huge opportunity to reinvent yourself professionally. If you don’t want to or don’t need to work, there’s so much one can do philanthropically to stay engaged. And there are myriad professional networks for women, which means you never have to go it alone. For me, my professional exploration led me to pursue a new career as a parenting coach, which dovetails perfectly with my professional background, experience – and passion for parenting. A friend of mine, starting with a single Instagram account where she published food-related pics and commentary, eventually became a fulltime blogger and has established herself as a thought leader in her field.

Getting comfortable being alone is critical to healing.

It can be tempting, post-divorce, to jump into dating too soon. After all, imagining to once again feel affirmed and sexy and lovable can be seductive. But here’s some dating advice for women after divorce: it’s unhealthy to jump in it too quickly. Give yourself time to get your emotional house in order. Make your kids your priority.

Take time to get reacquainted with the person you’re becoming.

While there isn’t a set time limit, a good rule of thumb is to wait about a year post divorce to start dating. Once you do, keep him (them) from your kids until you and a partner are serious. Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking you should be honest with your kids about everything. Most kids, especially pre-adolescent ones, aren’t developmentally ready to think of Mommy as a sexual being. And what if your ex-partner jumps into dating immediately? You might be able to obviate it a bit by including certain constraints in your parenting agreement (e.g., no third parties will sleep at the house when the kids are there.) But as you know, the only person whose behavior we can control is our own.

I’m not saying the road to divorce was easy for me – or that it will be easy for you. But I can say with full and unbridled confidence that with the right help and support, you will make it to the other side, and be a better person for the journey.

If parenting concerns arise as you go through this process, I’d be happy to discuss them with you. I can be reached at danahirtparenting.com.

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Lay the groundwork for a peaceful
divorce

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Divorce advice for men can feel overwhelming. With friends, family, and co-workers all telling you what they think you should do. And while they mean well, they’re not you.

As a divorce professional, I’ve had a front-row seat to countless divorces over the years. And I can tell you with certainty there are things a man can do – and does do – that significantly improves how his divorce plays out from start to finish.

So, in this post, I not only share some good divorce advice for men, but some tips on how to prepare for divorce as a man, as in my experience, it is different than it is for a woman. This is not legal advice, but rather, actionable divorce tips culled from thousands of hours of negotiations conducted over the past few decades, interviews with therapists and coaches, and real-life stories from other divorced men.

It is my hope that if you follow these divorce tips, you’ll increase your ability to keep your divorce amicable, efficient, child focused and cost-effective. Let’s get to it!

Whether you’re the initiator of the divorce, or on the receiving end of the news, the things you do before your divorce is underway will set the foundation for the entire divorce process.

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Pre-divorce advice for men seeking divorce:

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Tell your wife you want a divorce in a respectful way

When it comes to telling your spouse you want a divorce, there is a right way and a wrong way. Screaming “I want a divorce!” during an intense argument while the kids are in the next room is not exactly ideal. A better way is to have a planned conversation when the kids are not present.

If you’re unsure of how best to have this conversation, consider working with a therapist. This way you can practice what you’ll say and be prepared for the possible reactions you might get from your wife when you do.

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Give your wife time to mentally process the divorce news

If you are action-oriented, like so many other men, you might want to hire a divorce mediator or family law attorney right away to get the ball rolling as quickly as possible. But this is a situation where patience is a virtue as your wife may be in shock from the news. So don’t pressure her into action right away.

Give her space to process and accept/make peace with your decision. She’ll (hopefully) come around in her own time – even if it’s not on your timetable.

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Reassure your wife your decision was made slowly and carefully

One of the questions your partner might ask during the conversation is, “Can we save our marriage?” But most individuals contemplate divorce for more than two years before making the decision to proceed. So, if that sounds like you, you’ve obviously been scrutinizing over this major decision for a very long time.

If you know for certain the marriage is over, be honest and let her know there’s nothing she can do to change your mind. But she can choose the way she shows up and participates in the divorce process.

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Enlist a marriage and family therapist or couples counselor to help you break the news

Telling your spouse you want a divorce is not an easy conversation to have. Especially if you’ve never been through one before. But the good news is, you don’t have to do it alone.

If you’ve been seeing a therapist, consider inviting your wife to your next session to have this difficult talk in person. Or if you’ve been in couples counseling, have the conversation there. Doing so can provide a safe space to share your feelings, and for both of you get the emotional support you need.

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Advice for men facing divorce (on the receiving end):

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Don’t ignore your wife’s desire to divorce you

Regardless of what transpired in your relationship, the fact is, it takes two people to be married, but only one person to end it. So, if your wife wants a divorce, you’re getting a divorce. It just becomes a matter of how easy or difficult you choose to make it on yourself, her, and your children.

Rather than burying your head in the sand, acknowledge the reality of the situation. Choose to take part in selecting your divorce professional, and actively take part in your divorce negotiations.

When you do, you can control your future, and what your settlement looks like, rather than having it dictated to you by a judge in family court.

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Don’t try to talk your wife out of divorce

When your spouse tells you she wants a divorce, you might try to convince her that it makes no sense. You may say things like:

• “It’s not a good time,”
• “I’m busy at work,”
• “If I move out, it’ll be expensive,”
• “It’s better to stay together for the kids.”

But there’s never a good time to get a divorce. It’s not cheaper to stay together if you wind up hiring a divorce attorney and litigating, wiping out your finances and house in the process.

And just because your kids don’t say anything, they know things aren’t right. For the sake of their emotional health, and yours, it’s best to move forward and demonstrate to your children that despite your differences, you can still behave like adults and put their needs first.

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Lower your emotional reactivity

When reacting to the news that your wife wants to end your marriage, you might be tempted to let anger guide your decisions, retain a “pit bull” divorce lawyer who promises “aggressive representation,” and send the message “the gloves are off.” But the better way is to remain calm, suggest using a more peaceful option such as divorce mediation and send the message you want what’s best for both of you, and your children.

Don’t forget, you’re still going to be co-parents for many years to come. For the sake of the well being of your kids, do your best to avoid conflict, so you can to preserve your relationship as “mom and dad.”

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Do your research and get educated about the divorce process

Whether you’re the initiator or recipient, the first thing I suggest when preparing for divorce as a man is to learn how the divorce process works, and what the available options for divorce are. Doing so will allow you to make informed choices and select the option best for your situation.

Don’t just assume you need to “lawyer up,” lace up the gloves, and enter the ring! Most men I work with assume they need a hire a divorce lawyer so they don’t get shortchanged in their parenting plan, or pay too much in spousal maintenance. But that may not be the best strategy so choose wisely.

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Avoid trying to resolve the issues on your own

When preparing for a divorce as a man, it’s natural to want to plan for the future, so you may want to start hashing things out now with your soon-to-be-ex on things like alimony, child custody, child support, dividing marital assets, etc. But be careful because that can backfire. Unless you’re a divorce expert or attorney, how do you know what a fair divorce settlement looks like? Or how support works in your state? Or what the tax implications of certain decisions might be?

If you read something on the Internet, you can’t be sure it’s accurate or true. Or that it’s even relevant in your situation. It’s better to wait until you’ve chosen a divorce professional to help and guide you through resolving all the required issues based on your situational complexities.

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If possible, mediate and choose a divorce mediator together

If you’ve already explored the options for divorce, then you know mediation allows you to end your marriage in less time, with less stress, and at a lower cost than lawyer-led contested divorce proceedings. If your wife is willing to mediate, involve her in choosing the mediator since one professional will be working for both of you, and you both need to feel comfortable.

And if for some reason you can’t (or she won’t) mediate, consider an attorney experienced in collaborative divorce to try to reduce the chances of getting to full blown litigation.

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Divorce advice for men once the divorce is underway:

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Once your divorce has begun, it can be tempting to throw all kindness out the window. Follow my divorce advice below, and you’ll be surprised at how well your proceeding can go, and how amicable your divorce can be.

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Engage in a good faith divorce negotiation

When thinking about how to prepare for divorce as a man, some guys expect their divorce to be a battle. So, they prepare by withholding documents, changing passwords, and being as uncooperative as possible. Those divorces cost a fortune, take years to complete, destroy relationships, and ruin children’s lives.

My advice to men is to engage in a good faith divorce negotiation. One in which you share information, answer questions honestly and put your kids first. Doing so will allow you to move through your divorce in less time, at a lower cost, and allow you to both be good co-parents to your kids.

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Treat your divorce like a business negotiation

When negotiating a business deal, you don’t let your emotions get in the way. You simply come to the best agreement you can, based on the data as well as the circumstances you find yourself in.

You may not like the people you do business with (or the woman who will soon be your ex) but the goal in business and divorce can be the same depending on how you look at it. Make a deal so you can move forward.

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Don’t hide assets or move money

If you were the primary breadwinner, as you prepare for divorce as a man, you might be tempted to hide assets or move money to “protect what’s yours” or ensure you get your “fair share.” That would be a tremendously bad idea. Sure, you might think you’re being clever, but lawyers and judges are clever, too. If they think something fishy is going on, they’ll subpoena documents, or bring in a forensic accountant to audit you.

The bottom line is: all will be revealed in the end. It’s just a matter of how long it will take and how much it will ultimately cost you. So don’t hide assets or move money.

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Don’t cut your wife off financially

Some men believe when their divorce begins, they and their wives are now two separate financial entities. So, they close their wives’ credit cards, remove them from their health insurance, and take whatever steps they believe are necessary to separate their lives.

The truth is, from a legal perspective you’re not divorced at this point. You’re still married. It may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many men don’t understand this. So don’t make any moves, financial or otherwise, until you’ve reached the final terms of your settlement.

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Don’t quit your job just to try to avoid having to pay child support or alimony

No one likes paying it. But quitting your job to avoid paying child support and/or alimony is not only a bad idea, it’s just plain selfish. If you do quit your job to avoid paying support, you’re sending a very strong message to your ex-wife and children that a man doesn’t have to follow through with his responsibilities. That he can bend the rules to his liking even if it’s unethical, immoral, or illegal. And that he doesn’t have to consider how his actions will negatively impact others despite the consequences.

Nobody likes that guy, so don’t be him. Instead, do the right thing and pay support if you’re obligated to do so.

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Avoid DIY divorce

Despite the low price, a do-it-yourself divorce is difficult. And those mistakes can wind up costing you a lot more in the end.

Some men try and do their own divorce because they don’t want to go broke in litigation or a protracted custody battle – which makes perfect sense. But there are more peaceful options for divorce that are less costly and can deliver the help and guidance you need to ensure your divorce case is handled properly.

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Don’t make financial commitments before your divorce begins

As problem solvers who don’t like uncertainty, some men when preparing for divorce want to develop an entire financial plan. Coming to agreements on child support payments, spousal support, and property division before their divorce negotiations begin. They do this without fully understanding what the financial ramifications of those decisions will be for everyone involved. Only later, after a full exchange of information, the completion of budgets and balance sheets, and extensive negotiations, do they realize they want to change their mind.

My divorce advice for men is to wait until all cards are on the table to come to an agreement. If you make agreements beforehand that aren’t in your best interest, and you want to renegotiate, your wife will feel betrayed, and things will take longer (and cost more) than had you waited in the first place.

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Don’t punish your wife if you both agreed she would be a stay-at-home-mom

There’s a tendency for some husbands of stay-at-home moms to have a “my money” mentality. Even though both spouses decided together that she would give up her career to raise the kids. What these men fail to realize is, they likely couldn’t have gotten to where they are in their career without their wife taking care of the house and family.

Smart men understand that both partners played an important role in the marriage. One worked outside the home, while the other worked inside the home.

My advice is to do everything you can to ensure your agreement is fair, and you both have enough to live. Recognize it will take your wife time to get back into the workforce. And, she may never earn as much as you do and need financial support for quite some time.

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Make your children your number one priority

It takes more than just saying you’ll put your kids first in a divorce. It takes spending quality time with your children. Creating a comfortable home for them to visit and sleepover at.

Prioritizing their needs and making decisions that are in their best interests. And ensuring they don’t become the economic victims of your divorce, even if it means paying more child support than the minimum required.

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Divorce advice for men to manage their emotions:

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Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your marriage

For some men, the only divorce advice they get as they prepare for divorce is “man up and move on.” With friends and family never considering how sad, lonely, angry, or depressed they might be. Regardless of who initiated divorce, it’s a tremendous loss, and it’s OK to grieve that loss – just as you would do for the death of a loved one.

Acknowledge that things are not OK right now, but recognize these feelings are temporary. Appreciate what you had and not what you lost. Enlist the help of a professional to work through your feelings and get back on your feet.

Whether you take baby steps or rush full-tilt forward, realize every divorced man has his own timeline for healing – and that’s normal.

[/fusion_text][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” user_select=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” content_alignment_medium=”” content_alignment_small=”left” content_alignment=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”list-ul-style ” id=”” width_medium=”” width_small=”” width=”” min_width_medium=”” min_width_small=”” min_width=”” max_width_medium=”” max_width_small=”” max_width=”” margin_top=”40px” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” fusion_font_family_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_text_font=”” font_size=”16px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color6)” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

You can’t control others, but you can control yourself

Given the intense emotions that accompany it, divorce can easily cause a man to react to every question, comment, or criticism directed toward him. Instead of engaging in this damaging, lose-lose cycle of behavior, try the following tips to rise above the drama:

• Learn to lower your emotional reactivity. “Diaphragmatic breathing” is what the cool kids call it today, but counting to 10 like we did when we were young, works, too.
• Do your best to deflect invasive comments from others about your divorce. Instead, say “I’d rather talk about something else.”
• Fight the urge to defend your position. Instead, say “Well that’s the way I see things, so I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.”
• Don’t disparage your wife on social media. Avoid commenting on her posts, and posting pictures of your new life until the dust has settled.

You can’t control how others will react to you and the news of your divorce. But you can choose how you react to them – and that’s all you need to worry about.

[/fusion_text][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” user_select=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” content_alignment_medium=”” content_alignment_small=”left” content_alignment=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”list-ul-style ” id=”” width_medium=”” width_small=”” width=”” min_width_medium=”” min_width_small=”” min_width=”” max_width_medium=”” max_width_small=”” max_width=”” margin_top=”40px” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” fusion_font_family_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_text_font=”” font_size=”16px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color6)” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

Take good care of yourself during divorce

Some men have never taken care of themselves in a holistic way. Instead, they power through the current task at hand and ignore the things they simply don’t have time for. Well, guess what? When it comes to how to cope with divorce as a man, self-care is critical.

Support yourself emotionally by asking for and accepting help. Build a support system of trusted family and friends. Consider joining a divorce support group. And find a good therapist.

Take care of yourself physically by maintaining healthy eating habits. Exercise or engage in other physical activities. And avoid excessive alcohol consumption. Take care of your mental health. Try meditating. Learn a new skill or pursue a new hobby. And socialize!

It’s OK to let yourself have fun, despite mourning the loss of your relationship.

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Take care of your children, too

When my mother and father were going through their divorce, they broke every rule about what not to do. Epic arguments, giving each other the silent treatment for months and putting me in the middle by asking me to take sides. And while my father didn’t have the benefit of this blog post, you do, so let me make it easy for you.

• Don’t badmouth your wife in front of your kids.
• Don’t put them in the middle by asking them to take sides.
• And keep the conflict away from them.

I know it sounds simple, but you’d be surprised at how many people fail to realize the damage that failing to follow these things can do.

[/fusion_text][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” user_select=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” content_alignment_medium=”” content_alignment_small=”left” content_alignment=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”list-ul-style ” id=”” width_medium=”” width_small=”” width=”” min_width_medium=”” min_width_small=”” min_width=”” max_width_medium=”” max_width_small=”” max_width=”” margin_top=”40px” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” fusion_font_family_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_text_font=”” font_size=”16px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color6)” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

Don’t jump into a new relationship too quickly

In an effort to avoid the loneliness a man can feel during a divorce (and that is normal,) you may be tempted to jump into a new relationship quickly. But there will be plenty of time for that.

Instead, my advice is to slow yourself down and take this time to heal and recover from your divorce. Work with a professional to get to the root of why your marriage failed, so you can make sure it won’t happen again in your next relationship.

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There you have it! Some actionable divorce tips for men.

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I hope your main takeaway from this advice for men going through divorce is that your choices will truly make all the difference in the impact this significant life event will have on you, your finances and your child or children.

And now you can make some smart ones!

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Lay the groundwork for a peaceful
divorce

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If you want to divorce your husband, let’s get one thing straight right off the top…

When one spouse wants a divorce, both spouses are getting a divorce. You are well within your rights to end your marriage. But if he has no idea, or he doesn’t want to get a divorce, it can be incredibly frustrating for a wife.

So before having this life-changing talk, it’s helpful to do three things:

1. Examine your reasons for divorce. Many women find themselves struggling with this decision, wondering if they’ll regret it, or they’re doing the wrong thing. Some stay hoping things will get better, while others fear judgment from family members or friends. What about you?
2. Prepare (at a high level) for the divorce process. Take time to get educated on divorce and how it works where you live, or plan to file.
3. Develop a plan to counter any objections. One moment of pause on your part when discussing divorce with your husband may give him false hope that you’ll stay married.

Let’s take a closer look at each of these steps so you can make sure all the stages of your divorce journey go as smoothly as possible.

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Step 1 – Evaluate if you’re in a (un)healthy relationship and if divorce is the right thing for you

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• Assess your reasons for wanting a divorce and consider whether you’re truly ready to take the next step – Are you feeling stuck in your marriage or is there a deeper issue at play?
• Evaluate the state of your relationship and consider whether counseling or therapy could help you work through issues and improve communication – Are there any deal-breakers that make divorce the best option?
• Consider the potential impact of divorce on your children and your own life – How will you co-parent and ensure the well-being of your kids?
• Reflect on your own role in the breakdown of the marriage and take responsibility for your actions – What could you have done differently to improve the relationship?
• Think about your own needs and desires – What do you want for your life, and is divorce the best way to achieve that?

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Step 2 – Prepare yourself at a high level for the divorce process to come

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• Research the divorce laws in your state and understand the process and requirements for a no-fault divorce – What are the grounds for divorce in your state, and how will that affect your case?
• Consider the financial implications of divorce and how you’ll support yourself and your children – Will you need to negotiate child support or spousal support?
• Gather financial documents, including bank account statements and tax returns – How will you divide assets and debts in the divorce?
• Think about your living situation and whether you’ll need to find a new place to live – Will you stay in the house or find a new place?
• Consider seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you cope with the emotional impact of divorce – How will you take care of your mental health during this time?

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Step 3 – Have the talk and be prepared to counter objections

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Once you’ve decided to step off the roller coaster after years of indecision and feel divorce is the right choice, you may find yourself facing several common situations. Here are 5 examples, along with tips for navigating them as smoothly as possible.

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Situation #1 – Breaking the news you want to divorce your husband: Enlist the help of a professional.

Divorce is stressful and can trigger a whirlwind of intense emotions – for both spouses. An individual therapist or couples counselor can help you sort through and process your emotions. They can also help you prepare for and gain the confidence you need to have a (hopefully) calm and rational conversation with your husband about the reality of the situation and your desire to end your marriage peacefully.

And if you still have doubts about actually wanting a divorce, especially if you are still in love with your husband, you might consider going to discernment counseling or marriage counseling together.

If your husband doesn’t want to split up but is willing to join you in counseling, it can create a safe space for both of you to share how you feel and for you to communicate you want a divorce.

[/fusion_text][fusion_imageframe image_id=”2484|full” aspect_ratio=”” custom_aspect_ratio=”100″ aspect_ratio_position=”” skip_lazy_load=”” lightbox=”no” gallery_id=”” lightbox_image=”” lightbox_image_id=”” alt=”” link=”” linktarget=”_self” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”” id=”” max_width=”” sticky_max_width=”” align_medium=”none” align_small=”none” align=”none” mask=”” custom_mask=”” mask_size=”” mask_custom_size=”” mask_position=”” mask_custom_position=”” mask_repeat=”” style_type=”” blur=”” stylecolor=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” hover_type=”none” magnify_full_img=”” magnify_duration=”120″ scroll_height=”100″ scroll_speed=”1″ margin_top_medium=”” margin_right_medium=”” margin_bottom_medium=”” margin_left_medium=”” margin_top_small=”” margin_right_small=”” margin_bottom_small=”” margin_left_small=”” margin_top=”10px” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” bordersize=”” bordercolor=”” borderradius=”” z_index=”” caption_style=”off” caption_align_medium=”none” caption_align_small=”none” caption_align=”none” caption_title=”” caption_text=”” caption_title_tag=”2″ fusion_font_family_caption_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_title_font=”” caption_title_size=”” caption_title_line_height=”” caption_title_letter_spacing=”” caption_title_transform=”” caption_title_color=”” caption_background_color=”” fusion_font_family_caption_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_text_font=”” caption_text_size=”” caption_text_line_height=”” caption_text_letter_spacing=”” caption_text_transform=”” caption_text_color=”” caption_border_color=”” caption_overlay_color=”” caption_margin_top=”” caption_margin_right=”” caption_margin_bottom=”” caption_margin_left=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”left” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_delay=”0″ animation_offset=”” filter_hue=”0″ filter_saturation=”100″ filter_brightness=”100″ filter_contrast=”100″ filter_invert=”0″ filter_sepia=”0″ filter_opacity=”100″ filter_blur=”0″ filter_hue_hover=”0″ filter_saturation_hover=”100″ filter_brightness_hover=”100″ filter_contrast_hover=”100″ filter_invert_hover=”0″ filter_sepia_hover=”0″ filter_opacity_hover=”100″ filter_blur_hover=”0″]https://equitablemediation.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/go-to-counseling-Equitable-Mediation.webp[/fusion_imageframe][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” user_select=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” content_alignment_medium=”” content_alignment_small=”left” content_alignment=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”list-ul-style ” id=”” width_medium=”” width_small=”” width=”” min_width_medium=”” min_width_small=”” min_width=”” max_width_medium=”” max_width_small=”” max_width=”” margin_top=”40px” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” fusion_font_family_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_text_font=”” font_size=”16px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color6)” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

Situation #2 – My husband doesn’t want divorce but I do: Be compassionate and open the lines of communication.

Dr. Pamela Brand, a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Chicago for more than 30 years, offers this advice to individuals who want a divorce but whose spouse does not:

“I typically encourage individuals to approach their spouse with the greatest compassion and to recognize the likelihood that they might be faced with a period of resistance, anger, and emotional escalation.

It is important that the spouse who is announcing the decision to divorce present this in a way that conveys the process of thought and consideration that went into making the decision.

The spouse who wants the divorce may also want to recognize and validate the hurt and pain that this poses for their reluctant spouse and offer to listen to what kinds of things may be helpful to their spouse during the initial adjustment period.”

The goal is to start a dialogue and discuss the situation as openly and honestly as possible. Often just talking it over candidly can help a husband who doesn’t want to get a divorce begin to accept the reality of the situation.

If you’re not sure just how to approach the topic, here are a few more tips on how to tell your spouse you want a divorce.

Whatever you do, don’t wall off your soon-to-be ex. It will only make him feel isolated and defensive.

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Situation #3 – I want to divorce my husband but he’s not ready: Give him time to mentally process your desire to divorce.

When it comes to approaching a husband who doesn’t want to divorce, it’s important to remember that you’ve already had plenty of time to deal with the idea of your marriage ending. You’ve already thought about divorce on your way to school or work, talked about divorce with friends or your therapist and lost sleep over it for months or even years.

You’ve decided you want a divorce and made peace with your decision.

But even if he knows (and agrees) the marriage has broken down, he may be resisting due to the fact that your news came as a shock he wasn’t quite expecting. And he hasn’t had the same benefit of time to cope with divorce and mentally prepare.

So once you’ve told your husband that you want to end the marriage, step back and give him some time to process his emotions and come to grips with your decision.

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Situation #4 – How can I divorce my husband when he’s reluctant to divorce: Counter his objections.

If your husband won’t cooperate with divorce, you’ll need to ask questions so you can understand why he’s reluctant in the first place. Because there are always reasons.

To divorce your husband, you’ll need to counter his objections so he will(hopefully)agree to move forward towards peacefully ending the marriage.

Here are 3 common objections a husband reluctant to divorce can have and some strategies for overcoming them:

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Objection #1: “It’s better to stay together for the kids” instead of divorcing.

Some husbands don’t want to divorce because they believe it’s important to stay together for the kids –at any cost. They believe divorce causes long-term damage to children. But in reality, it’s not divorce itself that has the greatest long-term impact on a kid’s life – it’s the level of conflict between the parents that is the source of most damage to children emotionally and psychologically.

When asked if couples should stay together for the children, Rosalind Sedacca, Divorce & Parenting Mentor and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, shared these insights:

“Several studies on divorce and its effect on children have shown that conflict is the source of most damage to children emotionally and psychologically. So if a couple is having issues, having problems and there’s conflict at home, tension at home or the parents are basically avoiding each other at home, the children are living in an environment that’s not supporting healthy lifestyle and growing up with security and peace of mind. And that is very damaging to children.

It’s better for the family to change its form following a divorce and have two households where the children are either moving from one to the other or living primarily with one parent and interacting with the other and living in more peace so that when they are with mom, they are happy with mom and when they are with dad, they are happy with dad. And they are in a conflict-free environment.”

We’ve worked with many couples who admit they were in an unhappy and/or sexless marriage and not great together as spouses but were terrific as mother and father. But only after they both recognized the marriage was over and got a divorce.

Instead of spending their time fighting with each other, they mediated and focused their attention on their job of raising happy and well-adjusted children.

Divorce is hard in the short run but in the long run, children have been shown to have no lasting effects from it provided their parents handled their split maturely and had a child-focused divorce. So if there’s a lot of conflict and hostility in your marriage, the argument about staying together for the kids may not make sense.

If your husband truly loves his kids, tell him the way to put the kids first is by keeping things peaceful and being great parents, not by remaining married.

Because that’s what’s better for the kids.

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Objection #2: “It’s cheaper to stay together” instead of getting a divorce.

Some husbands don’t want to divorce because they’re practical and their reluctance comes from believing it’s cheaper to stay together. While it’s true that two households are more expensive to run than one, people living apart tend to be more aware, and in control of, their finances and conscientious of their spending.

But besides the couple’s household spending, there’s an even more important hidden cost buried in this objection and that’s the cost of an adversarial divorce. Unless your husband is willing to cooperate so you can use a more peaceful and cost-effective divorce method, your remaining option will be adversarial and expensive. So the very problem he wants to avoid: spending a lot of money, will happen anyway if he won’t cooperate with your decision to divorce.

Explain to your reluctant husband that having a peaceful divorce now is far less expensive than having a contentious divorce later. And ask him not to let his resistance to divorce put him (and the kids and you) in a financial hole you will all have a hard time digging out of.

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Objection #3: “If we just work on things a little longer – the marriage will get better.”

It’s unlikely an individual wakes up one day and out of the blue, decides they want a divorce. Divorce is rarely a snap decision for the spouse who’s initiating it. They have more likely been thinking about this decision for a very long time.

One couple we met with recently came to us after spending seven years trying to work on their marriage. Seven years! When the point is reached where one spouse is absolutely certain about wanting to leave the marriage, no amount of time is going to change their mind.

But to the reluctant spouse who is on the receiving end of this news, it can come as quite a shock, even if they know that things in the marriage have broken down or are still in love. They haven’t had the same benefit of time and contemplation as the spouse driving the decision.

It’s now up to you to let your husband know that you’ve given this a lot of thought and you’re sure you want divorce. It’s important to be compassionate, but firm, because if you aren’t, you’ll give him false hope that things can get back on track, which won’t do either of you any good.

• Acknowledge that while he may not have had a choice in the decision to divorce, he can have a say in its outcome.
• Tell him you need his help in keeping the process as peaceful as possible and divorcing out of court for the sake of the kids.
• Your husband also needs to hear your reassurance that you’re not out to get him – you want him just as active in the kids’ lives as he’s always been and you want a financial settlement agreement that’s fair to both of you and your children.

If your husband is reluctant to divorce for any of the reasons described above, consider these tips to counter his objections, help him come to terms with your decision and agree to work with you to peacefully end the marriage.

Which leads me to my final tip on this “I want a divorce but my husband doesn’t” subject…

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Situation #5 – My husband says divorce is too expensive: Suggest using mediation.

If you’ve taken the time to get educated on all of the various options for getting a divorce, you’ve learned that divorce mediation is the most child-focused, fair and cost-effective option available.

But because mediation requires your husband’s cooperation and active participation, once he’s had time to come to terms with what’s happening, (hopefully) he’ll be receptive to using this peaceful divorce method.

Tell your husband about the benefits of using divorce mediation

• Stress to him the importance of mediating for your children’s sake. If your kids see that you’re respectful to each other and can put aside your hurt feelings to fairly and equitably settle your differences, they’ll learn a powerful life lesson.
• Explain to him that parenting plans and child support arrangements designed in mediation will be better for your kids. Instead of leaving those important decisions up to an unsympathetic divorce lawyer or judge in family court.
• Let him know that he (and you) can either mediate privately now, while the choice is yours, or later, when it isn’t. Because if you hire divorce lawyers and litigate, in many states, the courts will require you to mediate first.
• Help your reluctant husband understand that agreements reached in mediation are far more likely to be fair to both of you. Especially since in most states, there are no formulas for determining alimony (also known as spousal support, maintenance or spousal maintenance, depending on the state).
• Tell him that mediation is more cost-effective than using divorce attorneys. And if he doesn’t believe you, suggest that he speak with some friends who used lawyers for their divorce so he can hear first-hand how expensive it was, how long it took, and the negative toll it took on them and their children.
• Suggest that he learn more about mediation on his own. No one likes to be told what to do and you don’t want your husband to feel like he has no say in how the divorce is going to proceed. He needs the opportunity to learn about divorce mediation for himself and how it compares to using lawyers or a do-it-yourself divorce.
• Then, once he has come to terms with your decision to divorce and is ready to proceed, find a good divorce mediator and start the process.

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After the talk: ending your own marriage and building a healthy future for your life ahead

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But just because you’ve had the conversation, the work doesn’t end.

Here are some next steps to keep you focused on your future:

• Focus on building a healthy relationship with yourself and your children – How can you prioritize your own needs and well-being during this time? Especially as a single mother?
• Consider seeking counseling or therapy to work through issues and improve communication – How can you use this experience to grow and learn as a person?
• Think about your goals and priorities for your life after the divorce process has ended – What do you want to achieve, and how will you get there?
• Consider the importance of co-parenting and how you’ll work with your ex to raise your children – How can you maintain a healthy relationship and respect your ex for the sake of your kids?
• Reflect on what you’ve learned from your marriage and how you can apply those lessons to your future relationships – What do you want to do differently in your next relationship?

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Key takeaways

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• Before having the divorce conversation with your husband, carefully examine your reasons and ensure you’re certain about your decision to avoid giving false hope or mixed signals later.
• Remember that while your husband may not have had a choice in the decision to divorce, you can empower him by emphasizing that he can have a say in how the divorce proceeds and its outcome.
• Give your husband time to process the news, recognizing that while you’ve had months or years to consider divorce, it may come as a shock to him even if he knows the marriage has problems.
• When children are involved, understand that it’s not divorce itself that causes the most damage, but rather ongoing parental conflict. A peaceful divorce can be healthier than maintaining a high-conflict marriage.
• Consider mediation as a cost-effective and peaceful alternative to litigation, as it allows both parties to maintain control over decisions affecting their children and finances while keeping costs lower than traditional litigation.
• Approach the conversation with compassion while remaining firm in your decision, and be prepared to address common objections like financial concerns or beliefs about staying together for the children.
• Focus on maintaining open communication throughout the process, as isolating or walling off your spouse typically leads to defensiveness and can make the divorce more difficult and expensive.

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Lay the groundwork for a peaceful
divorce

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