Tag: Preparing for Divorce

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I’ve been helping couples navigate divorce for nearly 20 years now. And in that time, I’ve seen pretty much every mistake you can make. Some are small and easily corrected. Others? They’re the kind that keep me up at night because I know they didn’t have to happen.

Here’s what I’ve learned: most people going through divorce make the same mistakes. Not because they’re careless, but because they’re hurting. They’re angry. They’re scared. And when you’re in that emotional state, it’s incredibly easy to make decisions that seem right in the moment but cause damage that lasts for years.

I know this not just as a divorce mediator, but as someone who lived through it. I watched my parents’ divorce drag on for years. The last time I saw my father, I was 16, watching him argue with a judge over paying for my college. That’s not how your divorce has to go.

Don’t Hire a Divorce Attorney As Your First Move

Here’s what happens when you hire an attorney right out of the gate: your spouse hears about it and immediately feels attacked. So they hire their own attorney. Now you’ve got two professionals whose job is to fight. And fight they will.

Before you know it, you’re spending tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees for a divorce that could have been resolved peacefully in a few months through mediation. I’ve known couples who had to drain their retirement savings and borrow against all the equity in their home to pay their attorneys.

What to do instead: Start with mediation. You can always hire an attorney later if needed, but once you’ve spent six months and $50,000 on litigation, you can’t get that time or money back.

Don’t Make Major Decisions While You’re Angry

Anger is a terrible decision-maker. When you’re furious at your spouse, it’s tempting to make decisions designed to hurt them. To fight for something not because you want it, but because you know they want it. To refuse a reasonable offer because you’re determined to “win.”
Those decisions you make in anger? You’re going to have to live with them for the rest of your life. I had a client who spent hours of their attorney’s time fighting over a stapler. A stapler!

What to do instead: When you feel that surge of anger, take a step back. Sleep on big decisions. Talk to a therapist or divorce coach. Focus on what you actually want for your future, not on settling scores from your past.

Don’t Try to Hide Assets or Income

Someone always thinks, “If I just don’t mention that bank account…” But here’s what always happens: it gets discovered. And when it does, everything falls apart. Any trust that remained evaporates. Financial dishonesty during divorce creates problems that poison the entire process.
What to do instead: Full disclosure. Put everything on the table. When both of you know you’re looking at complete and accurate information, you can negotiate reasonably and confidently.

Don’t Involve Your Children in the Divorce

This one is personal for me. As a kid, I was dragged into my parents’ divorce in ways that were humiliating and painful, and it damaged my relationships with both of them in ways that never fully healed.

Your children are going through one of the most challenging experiences of their young lives. Yet I see parents share too much with the kids, complain about the other parent in front of them, ask them where they want to live, use them as messengers, or schedule parenting time to punish the other parent rather than what’s best for the kids.

What to do instead: Shield your children from the conflict. Never badmouth the other parent in front of them. Make decisions about parenting time and child support based solely on what’s best for your children, not on your feelings toward their other parent.

Don’t Air Your Grievances on Social Media

That angry post about your spouse? Your lawyer—or worse, your spouse’s lawyer—can and will use it against you. That photo of you partying while claiming you can’t afford child support? Evidence that undermines your credibility.

What to do instead: Stay off social media during your divorce. At minimum, don’t post anything about your spouse, your divorce, your finances, or your parenting. Assume anything you post will be seen and used in ways you didn’t intend.

Don’t Make Major Life Changes During the Divorce Process

You want to move to a new city, quit your job, buy a house, or jump into a new relationship. Stop. Not yet.

Significant life changes during your divorce complicate everything. If you quit your job, how do you calculate support? If you move from California to Texas, how do you share parenting time? Every significant change creates new issues to negotiate. Plus, you’re probably not in the best mental state to be making major life decisions right now.

What to do instead: Keep your life as stable as possible until your divorce is finalized. After that, you’ll have plenty of time to reinvent yourself. During the divorce, stability serves you well.

Don’t Neglect the Financial Details

Financial mistakes are among the costliest errors people make in divorce. I see it constantly because of my background in finance and specialized training from the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysis.

Someone agrees to take the house without understanding the actual cost of keeping it. They calculate the mortgage but forget about property taxes, insurance, maintenance, and repairs. A year later, they’re house poor and forced to sell at a loss.

Or someone agrees to split retirement accounts 50-50 without realizing one is a fully taxable traditional IRA and the other is a Roth IRA that’s tax-free—those aren’t actually equal. I worked with a New Jersey couple where this exact mistake would have cost one spouse over $40,000 in lost value if we hadn’t caught it.

Someone else agrees to keep their spouse’s name on the mortgage and title “temporarily” without understanding they’re still legally responsible for the debt. When the ex-spouse stops making payments, they’re the ones getting the default notices.

What to do instead: Treat the financial aspects of your divorce with the seriousness they deserve. This is one of the most significant financial transactions of your life. Work with professionals who understand the implications. Run the numbers. Think long-term, not just about what seems fair right now.

Don’t Drag Out the Process Unnecessarily

My parents’ divorce dragged on for years. I spent my high school years in suspended animation, watching them fight on long after they should have moved on.

Many divorces take forever because one or both spouses haven’t accepted that the marriage is over. They’re still trying to win. They’re still trying to punish. Every month your divorce continues is another month of legal fees, stress, and uncertainty for your children.

What to do instead: Accept that the marriage is ending and commit to moving forward. Focus on resolving practical issues rather than rehashing old arguments. Work with a mediator who can keep you focused on solutions. A reasonable settlement you both can live with is better than a perfect agreement that takes years to achieve.

Don’t Forget That You’re Writing Your Future

The way you handle your divorce sets the tone for everything that comes after. If you have children, you’ll be co-parenting for years—at Little League games, graduations, weddings, and births of grandchildren. The relationship you establish during your divorce is the foundation for all those future interactions.

My parents’ divorce turned them into people I didn’t recognize. The fighting and bitterness changed who they were. My father became so consumed with winning that he lost sight of everything else, including his relationship with me.

What to do instead: Approach your divorce as the first step in building your new life, not as the final battle of your old one. Make decisions you’ll be proud of years from now. Choose a process that allows both of you to maintain your dignity and move forward without destroying each other.

How Mediation Helps You Avoid These Pitfalls

The common thread running through all these mistakes is that they happen when people feel alone, overwhelmed, and unsure how to navigate the complexity of divorce. That’s precisely where mediation makes the difference.

We don’t require you to have everything figured out before you start. We actively guide you through each decision point, helping you understand the implications of your choices before you make them. When you’re feeling angry and want to make a decision you’ll regret, we help you step back and refocus on your actual goals. When financial complexity threatens to overwhelm you—whether it’s stock options, business valuations, or retirement account divisions—we cut through it with specialized financial expertise.

If your situation involves complicated compensation structures, equity shares, or business interests, having someone with an MBA in Finance and training from the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysis on your side means you’re not just guessing at what’s fair. We can model different scenarios, run the actual numbers, and help you see what your choices mean for your long-term financial security.

We don’t just help you resolve today’s issues. We help you think ahead about how changes in circumstances might affect your agreement down the road. What if one of you remarries? What if job situations change? What if the kids’ needs evolve? This future-focused planning means you’re building an agreement that gives you confidence moving forward, not just documenting a property split.

Every couple’s situation is unique. That’s why we don’t believe in cookie-cutter solutions. We develop a personalized approach tailored to your specific circumstances, your family dynamics, and your financial picture. The process we design for a California couple with stock options and startup equity looks different from the process we design for a New Jersey couple with a pension and a family business—because those situations are different and they deserve customized solutions.

The Path Forward

Every divorce begins with a choice. You can choose the path of litigation, anger, and destruction—the path my parents chose, the path that destroyed our family. Or you can choose to end your marriage with dignity and respect.

In litigation, you hand control to strangers who don’t know your family and apply rigid formulas that might not serve either of you well. You spend months or years fighting, draining your resources, and damaging relationships that need to survive for your children’s sake.

In mediation, you maintain control. You make informed decisions with expert guidance. You work cooperatively to find solutions that actually work for your situation. You preserve the resources you’ve worked so hard to build rather than spend them on conflict.

I became a divorce mediator because I saw firsthand what the wrong choices can do to a family. Your marriage may be ending, but your life isn’t. The decisions you make now will affect you, your children, and your financial security for years to come.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. You don’t have to make these mistakes. You can choose a peaceful path that helps you move forward with confidence, preserves essential relationships, and protects your financial future.

Choose wisely. Choose peacefully. Choose to move forward without destroying everything in the process.

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FAQs About What Not to Do During Divorce

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Going through divorce entirely on your own, without any professional guidance, puts you at a significant disadvantage—especially if your spouse has retained counsel.

Why professional guidance matters

Divorce involves complex procedures, filing deadlines, and legal documentation requirements that most people don’t encounter in their daily lives. Without proper guidance, you risk missing critical deadlines, misinterpreting settlement agreements, making unfavorable property division decisions, and jeopardizing child custody arrangements.

Even experienced attorneys in other practice areas seek divorce professionals when their own marriages end, because marital dissolution is emotionally charged and requires objective guidance.

Your options for professional help

You have choices about how to get this guidance. Many people assume hiring a litigation attorney is the only option, but mediation offers professional guidance in a cooperative framework. A skilled mediator with legal and financial expertise can help you navigate the process, understand your options, and reach fair agreements—often at a fraction of litigation costs.

Whether you choose mediation or litigation, having a professional who understands family law, can serve as your advocate and strategic advisor, and can ensure your rights and interests remain protected throughout the process is essential.

[/fusion_toggle][fusion_toggle title=”2. Is it okay to post about my divorce on social media?” open=”no” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” class=”” id=”” fusion_font_family_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_title_font=”” title_font_size=”” title_line_height=”” title_letter_spacing=”” title_text_transform=”” title_color=”var(–awb-color8)” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” fusion_font_family_content_font=”” fusion_font_variant_content_font=”” content_font_size=”” content_line_height=”” content_letter_spacing=”” content_text_transform=”” content_color=”var(–awb-color8)”]

Posting about your divorce on social media networks like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, or YouTube is one of the most damaging mistakes you can make during your divorce.

Everything you post can be used against you

Anything you post online can become evidence and be used against you. Your social media activity is likely being monitored throughout the divorce process.

What to avoid posting

Avoid posting negative comments about your ex-spouse, details about your divorce process, information about legal strategy, photos of new romantic relationships, images showing excessive drinking or partying, complaints about the process, or anything depicting lavish spending habits.

Privacy settings don’t protect you

Even posts with strict privacy settings aren’t truly private. Mutual friends, family members, or others can screenshot and share your content.

Real consequences

Posts displaying questionable behavior can severely impact child custody determinations, spousal support calculations, and property division outcomes.

The safest approach

Temporarily deactivate your social media accounts or maintain complete silence about divorce-related matters online until your divorce becomes final.

[/fusion_toggle][fusion_toggle title=”3. Can I hide assets or conceal property during my divorce?” open=”no” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” class=”” id=”” fusion_font_family_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_title_font=”” title_font_size=”” title_line_height=”” title_letter_spacing=”” title_text_transform=”” title_color=”var(–awb-color8)” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” fusion_font_family_content_font=”” fusion_font_variant_content_font=”” content_font_size=”” content_line_height=”” content_letter_spacing=”” content_text_transform=”” content_color=”var(–awb-color8)”]

Concealing assets, hiding property, or failing to disclose marital finances during divorce is not only unethical but also illegal.

What full disclosure means

Complete financial transparency is required—all assets, liabilities, bank accounts, retirement accounts, real estate holdings, investment portfolios, and valuable personal property must be disclosed.

Serious consequences for hiding assets

If discovered hiding assets, you face severe legal consequences including sanctions, monetary fines, potential jail time, attorney fee reimbursement, and unfavorable property division rulings.

Common concealment tactics that get caught

Tactics that people try include transferring funds to secret accounts, understating income, selling marital property without disclosure, giving assets to friends or family members for safekeeping, or creating false debts. Divorce attorneys and forensic accountants are skilled at uncovering these through discovery processes, financial audits, and credit report analysis.

Complete honesty is essential

Be completely honest about your financial situation, even regarding non-marital property you believe should remain separate. This transparency is essential for ethical and legal divorce proceedings and allows you to negotiate from a position of trust rather than suspicion.

[/fusion_toggle][fusion_toggle title=”4. Should I make verbal side agreements with my spouse outside our formal settlement?” open=”no” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” class=”” id=”” fusion_font_family_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_title_font=”” title_font_size=”” title_line_height=”” title_letter_spacing=”” title_text_transform=”” title_color=”var(–awb-color8)” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” fusion_font_family_content_font=”” fusion_font_variant_content_font=”” content_font_size=”” content_line_height=”” content_letter_spacing=”” content_text_transform=”” content_color=”var(–awb-color8)”]

Entering into oral agreements or side deals with your spouse concerning divorce issues, even if your relationship remains amicable, is extremely problematic and legally unenforceable.

Everything must be in writing

All agreements regarding property division, debt allocation, spousal maintenance, child custody arrangements, parenting time schedules, and child support obligations must be documented in your written settlement agreement or divorce decree.

Verbal promises aren’t enforceable

Verbal promises, handshake deals, and informal understandings are nearly impossible to enforce if your spouse later disputes or ignores them. If the written divorce judgment states it represents your complete agreement, oral side arrangements have no legal standing.

Future modifications become harder

Attempting to modify divorce terms later becomes significantly more difficult without original written documentation.

Document everything

Work with your mediator or attorney to ensure every agreement, understanding, and compromise gets incorporated into the formal legal documents, even if it seems cold or unnecessary at the time. Proper documentation protects both parties’ interests and prevents future disputes.

[/fusion_toggle][fusion_toggle title=”5. Is moving out of the marital home before divorce a good idea?” open=”no” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” class=”” id=”” fusion_font_family_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_title_font=”” title_font_size=”” title_line_height=”” title_letter_spacing=”” title_text_transform=”” title_color=”var(–awb-color8)” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” fusion_font_family_content_font=”” fusion_font_variant_content_font=”” content_font_size=”” content_line_height=”” content_letter_spacing=”” content_text_transform=”” content_color=”var(–awb-color8)”]

Prematurely moving out of the marital residence when divorce becomes likely is rarely advisable and can negatively impact child custody determinations, property rights, and your legal position.

The custody implications

When you voluntarily leave the family home, particularly if minor children remain with your spouse, you may create the appearance of abandonment and establish a custody arrangement disadvantageous to your interests. If children have been primarily residing with one parent in the family home for an extended period, there’s often reluctance to disrupt that arrangement.

Property division concerns

Leaving can also weaken your claim to the house in property division negotiations.

The financial burden

You’ll face the financial burden of maintaining two households while still potentially being responsible for mortgage payments, property taxes, and home maintenance on the marital residence.

Consult before relocating

Before relocating, consult with a family law professional about strategic timing, documenting your continued parental involvement, securing temporary custody orders, and protecting your property rights in the marital estate.

[/fusion_toggle][fusion_toggle title=”6. Should I let emotions drive my decision-making during divorce?” open=”no” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” class=”” id=”” fusion_font_family_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_title_font=”” title_font_size=”” title_line_height=”” title_letter_spacing=”” title_text_transform=”” title_color=”var(–awb-color8)” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” fusion_font_family_content_font=”” fusion_font_variant_content_font=”” content_font_size=”” content_line_height=”” content_letter_spacing=”” content_text_transform=”” content_color=”var(–awb-color8)”]

Acting based purely on anger, hurt, betrayal, or other intense emotions rather than rational reasoning is one of the most costly mistakes in divorce.

Your feelings are valid

Experiencing grief, rage, sadness, anxiety, and other powerful feelings during divorce is completely normal and acceptable.

But emotions make poor decisions

Allowing those emotions to dictate your legal decisions, settlement negotiations, communication style, or behavior can have devastating long-term consequences.

What emotion-driven decisions look like

Emotion-driven actions include accepting unfavorable settlement terms just to end the process quickly, engaging in retaliatory or vindictive tactics, making impulsive decisions about child custody arrangements, refusing reasonable compromise offers, or escalating conflicts unnecessarily. These emotionally reactive choices often lead to regret once feelings settle.

Separate emotional support from legal decisions

Seek support from mental health professionals, therapists, divorce coaches, or counselors to process your emotional trauma while relying on your mediator’s or attorney’s objective guidance for legal strategy and decision-making. Keeping emotions and legal matters separated leads to better outcomes and preserves your mental health throughout this difficult transition.

[/fusion_toggle][fusion_toggle title=”7. What financial mistakes should I avoid during my divorce?” open=”no” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” class=”” id=”” fusion_font_family_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_title_font=”” title_font_size=”” title_line_height=”” title_letter_spacing=”” title_text_transform=”” title_color=”var(–awb-color8)” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” fusion_font_family_content_font=”” fusion_font_variant_content_font=”” content_font_size=”” content_line_height=”” content_letter_spacing=”” content_text_transform=”” content_color=”var(–awb-color8)”]

Failing to understand your complete financial picture before and during divorce creates serious disadvantages in property division and support negotiations.

Common financial errors

Common mistakes include not separating joint bank accounts and credit cards promptly, neglecting to pull comprehensive credit reports at the divorce’s beginning and end to identify all accounts, failing to document and inventory all marital assets and debts, accepting the first settlement offer without understanding long-term implications, not considering tax consequences of property division and spousal support, underestimating post-divorce living expenses, overlooking retirement account valuations and division methods, and making large purchases or taking on significant debt during proceedings.

Document everything

Obtain copies of at least two years of bank statements, tax returns, mortgage documents, credit card bills, investment account statements, and retirement account records.

Knowledge is power

Understanding what you own, what you owe, and what you deserve positions you for equitable settlement negotiations rather than giving up more than necessary. This is where working with a mediator who has financial expertise—like an MBA in Finance and specialized training—can make an enormous difference in understanding the true value and implications of different settlement options.

[/fusion_toggle][fusion_toggle title=”8. Can I badmouth my ex-spouse to our children?” open=”no” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” class=”” id=”” fusion_font_family_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_title_font=”” title_font_size=”” title_line_height=”” title_letter_spacing=”” title_text_transform=”” title_color=”var(–awb-color8)” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” fusion_font_family_content_font=”” fusion_font_variant_content_font=”” content_font_size=”” content_line_height=”” content_letter_spacing=”” content_text_transform=”” content_color=”var(–awb-color8)”]

Disparaging your spouse to your children, regardless of what your ex has done or how justified your anger feels, is extremely damaging to your kids and can severely prejudice your custody case.

The harm to children

Children need supportive environments during divorce transitions, and parental alienation—making negative comments about the other parent—causes lasting psychological harm to minors caught in the middle.

How this affects custody

Badmouthing behavior is viewed very unfavorably when custody determinations are made, as it demonstrates inability to foster healthy relationships between children and both parents.

What never to do

Never discuss adult divorce issues, financial disputes, infidelity allegations, or character attacks with your children. Avoid making them choose sides, using them as messengers between parents, or asking them to keep secrets from the other parent. Custody or parenting time can be restricted for parents engaging in alienation tactics.

Protect your children

Keep divorce details away from children, speak respectfully about their other parent even when it’s difficult, and remember that your ex remains your children’s beloved mother or father regardless of spousal relationship failures.

[/fusion_toggle][fusion_toggle title=”9. Should I accept a one-sided settlement agreement to end my divorce quickly?” open=”no” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” class=”” id=”” fusion_font_family_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_title_font=”” title_font_size=”” title_line_height=”” title_letter_spacing=”” title_text_transform=”” title_color=”var(–awb-color8)” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” fusion_font_family_content_font=”” fusion_font_variant_content_font=”” content_font_size=”” content_line_height=”” content_letter_spacing=”” content_text_transform=”” content_color=”var(–awb-color8)”]

Agreeing to grossly unfair or one-sided settlement terms simply to expedite the divorce process and end emotional turmoil is a mistake with permanent consequences you’ll likely regret.

The desire to be done is understandable

The desire to conclude painful divorce proceedings quickly is completely understandable. The process is exhausting, emotionally draining, and expensive.

But rushing has permanent consequences

Rushing into an inequitable settlement leaves you financially disadvantaged, potentially for decades. Property divisions and debt allocations typically cannot be modified after the divorce becomes final—they’re permanent.

You can’t undo it later

Once you voluntarily sign a settlement agreement, you rarely can undo it later, even if you realize how disadvantageous the terms are.

The long-term costs

Accepting the first settlement proposal without analysis, failing to negotiate reasonable terms, or not understanding the long-term financial implications of spousal support waivers, retirement account divisions, or property valuations can cost you thousands or even hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Take the time to get it right

Work closely with your mediator or attorney to ensure the settlement is equitable, reflects fair market valuations, considers tax ramifications, and provides for your financial security post-divorce. Patience during negotiations protects your future.

[/fusion_toggle][fusion_toggle title=”10. Do I need to update my will and estate documents after filing for divorce?” open=”no” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” class=”” id=”” fusion_font_family_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_title_font=”” title_font_size=”” title_line_height=”” title_letter_spacing=”” title_text_transform=”” title_color=”var(–awb-color8)” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” fusion_font_family_content_font=”” fusion_font_variant_content_font=”” content_font_size=”” content_line_height=”” content_letter_spacing=”” content_text_transform=”” content_color=”var(–awb-color8)”]

Failing to update your will, beneficiary designations, estate planning documents, and insurance policies during and after divorce is a critical oversight with potentially disastrous consequences.

Filing for divorce doesn’t automatically change anything

Filing for divorce does not automatically revoke existing wills or change beneficiary designations on life insurance policies, retirement accounts (401(k)s, IRAs, pensions), or transfer-on-death accounts.

What happens if you don’t update

If you die before your divorce becomes final without updating these documents, your soon-to-be-ex-spouse could inherit according to your current will, receive life insurance proceeds, or claim retirement benefits you intended for other heirs.

Don’t rely on automatic revocation

Many states have automatic revocation statutes, but coverage varies and relying on them is risky.

What needs updating

Contact an estate planning attorney immediately after filing for divorce to modify your will, update beneficiary designations on all financial accounts and insurance policies, revise healthcare directives and powers of attorney, and restructure trusts if applicable.

Timing restrictions may apply

Some jurisdictions prohibit certain changes during divorce proceedings, so consult your divorce attorney or mediator about timing and any restrictions.

Protect your intended beneficiaries

Updating estate documents protects your intended beneficiaries and ensures your assets transfer according to your current wishes, not outdated documents that no longer reflect your life circumstances.

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Lay the groundwork for a peaceful divorce

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Divorce represents one of life’s most challenging transitions, but proper preparation can make the process more manageable and peaceful. Drawing from the wisdom of experienced divorce mediators, divorce coaches, family law attorneys, therapists, and other professionals, we’ve put together this comprehensive guide, sharing divorce advice from 54 experts (including ourselves!) to help you navigate the complex journey ahead.

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Essential steps for a peaceful divorce process

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Cheryl Dillon, CPC, Divorce Coach and Co-Founder of Equitable Mediation Services, emphasizes that choosing the right approach from the beginning is crucial. “When it comes to a divorce strategy, you’ve got plenty of choices,” she explains. “You can litigate and battle it out in court, try to do it yourself if you have a simple case, collaborate with multiple professionals, or mediate your divorce. Take the time up front to do your homework and research all of the available options. Then, choose the one that’s most likely to keep your divorce as peaceful as possible.”

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Critical financial considerations

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Joe Dillon, MBA, Divorce Mediator and Founder of Equitable Mediation Services, offers valuable insight into the financial reality of divorce: “Many people think divorce is a legal matter. And to a certain extent, it is. After all, a divorce must be filed with the courts in order for it to be granted. But when you really take a closer look at what exactly happens in a divorce, you’ll learn that divorce is less about the law and more about negotiation and money (and parenting, if you have children).”

He emphasizes six key financial considerations to address before beginning the divorce process:

1. Current financial stability: “There’s a common misconception that divorce creates income,” Joe notes. “But in reality, all it does is create expense. When you separate your lives, you’ll now have two of everything – two housing payments, two sets of utility bills, two health insurance policies, etc.”
2. Housing decisions: Consider carefully whether keeping the family home makes financial sense. Beyond the mortgage and utilities, factor in maintenance costs, potential repairs, and long-term sustainability.
3. Employment stability: Assess both spouses’ job security, as this directly impacts support payments and financial planning. As Joe points out, “You can’t get child support or alimony from an unemployed ex-husband (or wife).”
4. Post-divorce living expenses: Research and calculate anticipated living costs after divorce. Many are surprised to discover that support payments may not fully cover all expenses.
5. Divorce process costs: Choose your divorce process wisely, as it significantly impacts overall costs. Mediation typically costs far less than litigation.
6. Long-term financial planning: Consider both immediate and future financial needs, including inflation and changing children’s expenses over time.

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Taking control of the process

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Cheryl Dillon emphasizes the importance of active participation: “Don’t be a passive observer of your own divorce – this is your divorce so take control of the process. Listen to your chosen divorce professional, but be prepared to make your own decisions.” She recommends several key steps:

• Get organized: Begin gathering essential documents, including:
  • – Recent federal and state tax returns
    – W2s and pay stubs
    – Bank account statements
    – Brokerage account statements
    – Credit card statements
    – Insurance policies
    – Retirement and investment accounts
    – Mortgage statements
    – Car loan statements
    – Other marital assets documentation
• Create a budget: Develop both current and projected post-divorce budgets to understand changing financial needs.
• Maintain integrity: “No matter how angry or betrayed you might feel,” Cheryl advises, “do not let your spouse get the best of you and take you out of your integrity. Stay off social media and resist venting details of your divorce to anyone who will listen.”
• Focus on the big picture: “The decisions you’ll need to make during the divorce process will affect you and your children for years to come,” Cheryl notes, “so don’t get bogged down in fighting over semantics or trying to be right.”

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Understanding the financial reality of divorce

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The financial implications of divorce extend far beyond the initial separation. Let’s explore these considerations in detail.

The true cost of separate lives

One of the most significant financial challenges in divorce comes from duplicating expenses. When a household splits, you’ll need more money to maintain two separate homes, which means:

• Two housing payments (rent or mortgage)
• Separate utility bills for each residence
• Individual insurance policies
• Separate household supplies and furnishings
• Individual cell phone plans and other services

Additionally, you’ll lose the financial benefits of combined households, such as:

• Multi-car insurance discounts
• Family plan savings on services
• Shared subscriptions and memberships
• Bulk shopping advantages
• Shared utility costs

Evaluating housing decisions

The family home often becomes a focal point of divorce negotiations, but careful consideration beyond emotional attachments is essential. When deciding whether to keep the house, consider:

Immediate costs:

• Monthly mortgage payments
• Property taxes
• Utility bills
• Regular maintenance

Long-term expenses:

• Roof replacement ($10,000 – $30,000)
• HVAC system updates ($2,000 – $10,000)
• Major appliance replacements
• Ongoing landscaping and maintenance
• Emergency repairs

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Understanding the emotional landscape

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Taking time to process

As divorce coach Mandy Walker emphasizes, “Take your time. This applies to many aspects of getting divorced, from making the decision to divorce to all the logistical aspects of separating from your spouse to the whole legal separation process itself.” Most situations don’t require immediate action, so beware of arbitrary deadlines that create unnecessary pressure.

Dr. Bridget Tremblay, a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, notes that “there’s inevitably a level of emotion and grief with going through a divorce, even if you are the one filing or requesting for one.” She recommends seeking professional help to process these emotions effectively.

Managing your emotional well-being

Licensed Clinical Social Worker Susan Mason stresses the importance of learning to manage your feelings: “Divorce can be an emotional roller coaster, with lots of feelings coming up that may overwhelm you.” Finding emotional support through good friends,, therapists, or support groups is crucial for maintaining stability during this transition.

Winifred M. Reilly, MS, MFT, adds valuable insight about accepting the reality of divorce: “Maybe you initiated the divorce after years of marriage work, difficulty and disappointment. Maybe the divorce wasn’t your idea in the first place and, like it or not, here you are. Either way, most people come to divorce with some regrets about their own actions.”

Setting intentions for the process

Kate Engler, AMFT, recommends writing a mission statement: “Take time to reflect on your goals for the divorce, yourself, and your life. Think about your ideal self, your vision for co-parenting and legal custody (if applicable), how you want to handle disputes and resentments, and creating opportunities for self-forgiveness during setbacks.”

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Protecting children during divorce

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Creating a united front

Child psychologist Nancy Samalin provides essential guidance: “Never bad-mouth the other parent in any way. When one parent says anything negative about their ex-spouse in front of their child, that child is being put in an impossible position.”

Gillian A. Brady emphasizes three key points:

• Don’t let emotions about one another affect decisions regarding the children
• Recognize and respect the wide range of emotions your child has regarding the divorce
• Treat your children as children, not as adults

Supporting children’s emotional needs

Claudia Rosen, LCSW, advises: “Children don’t always talk directly about how they feel about the divorce. So listen carefully to their expressions of frustration, anger and sadness about whatever it is they can talk about. They may express more negative feelings about school, friends or life in general.”

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Building your support system

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Professional support network

A comprehensive support team might include:

• An experienced divorce mediator or family law attorney
• A financial advisor
• A therapist or counselor
• A support group
• A divorce coach

David Klow, LMFT, emphasizes the importance of staying connected: “During a divorce, people often feel the foundation of their life change in dramatic ways. Everything that they once knew is no longer there.”

Personal support system

Monica Garbisch, Divorce Coach, advises: “Seek out support that feels positive and even uplifting when you are talking or spending time with that person. It may be someone who is a good listener but doesn’t give advice, or it may be someone who has a similar interest that will help you stay positive and get through this period.”

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Practical aspects of divorce preparation

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Creating structure during transition

L.L., a former divorce mediation client, emphasizes the importance of establishing routines: “We are all creatures of habit. Routine and repetition is a good way to create a sense of safety. Even if the bigger stuff seems hard to pin down at this point, find smaller tasks, rituals, events in the day to create a routine around.”

Documentation and journaling

L.L. also recommends keeping a journal throughout the process: “You are going to make some critical decisions that will have a significant impact on your life. You need a clear head. Some days you may write three words like: ‘I HATE THIS!’ Others, you may find pages and pages inking out before you. Either way, it is a way to release, validate and purge every and all the things you are feeling.”

Managing communication

Jessica Rothman Miro, LMFT, emphasizes structured communication: “If there are times set up to communicate, and these times are segmented between logistics and emotions, you can feel as though things are still moving forward while still having room for the roller coaster of emotions you may face.”

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Understanding relationship dynamics

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Recognizing patterns

Dr. Denise Wade, Ph.D., CMRC, provides insight into relationship patterns: “Men and women learn how to love and be loved by watching their parents. So you learned about love long before you met your partner and this unconsciously influenced your relationship. Patterns of attachment, attraction, avoidance, and control were conditioned into you by age six.”

Managing expectations

Jackie Printon, LCSW, offers valuable advice about expectations: “Don’t expect your spouse to change. The traits that have frustrated you in your marriage will likely remain during the divorce. Whether your spouse is passive and unable to make good decisions, controlling and argumentative or distant and uncommunicative, these traits may well be evident during mediation as well.”

Maintaining perspective

Greg Rizzolo, MA, LCPC, provides insight about emotional perception: “Don’t assume that, if your partner isn’t suffering or hurting visibly, or in the way that you are, that he or she isn’t feeling the loss. People register intense pain differently and often unconsciously.”

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Self-care and personal growth

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Physical and mental health

Denise K. Netko, LMFT, emphasizes comprehensive self-care: “Trying to maintain healthy eating, sleep and exercise will help your mind and body cope with the overall stress. Additionally, incorporating activities such as meditation and yoga can help explore and increase the mind-body connection.”

Professional support

Jennifer Filicky Hull, LCPC, advocates for therapeutic support: “Many people think couples counseling is only for people who are trying to repair their marriage. Couples counseling can also be a safe space to begin to discuss the divorce process. Working with a skilled therapist can allow each party to feel heard and respected.”

Finding balance

Anviksha Kalscheur, LMFT, discusses emotional processing: “Just because we feel pain or anger does not mean we need to act or react in accordance with it. It can be helpful to create a consistent time and space regularly where each spouse and also the children together or separately can just ‘be’ with whatever emotions and feelings they are having.”

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Planning for post-divorce life

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Career and financial independence

Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, advises on preparation: “Get your life lined up BEFORE you divorce. This may mean going back to school now, getting a job lined up now, getting credit cards in your name now or pre-qualifying for a house now, BEFORE you split.”

Rebuilding identity

Monica Garbisch provides perspective on personal identity: “One last thing to remember, just like graduation, marriage, a child being born or any other event, divorce is not your life but a chapter of your life story.”

Setting new goals

Dana Hirt emphasizes forward momentum: “The past, however challenging or disappointing, is the PAST. Focus on the future and your desire to have a peaceful divorce, to protect your minor children, and to be able to look in the mirror at the end of each day and know you have comported yourself with dignity and grace through this difficult time.”

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Navigating the legal process

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Understanding your options

William Geary, an experienced divorce lawyer and mediator, explains: “Consider not doing a divorce, per se, but doing a dissolution of marriage. Divorces concern issues upon which parties cannot agree. If the parties can agree, they can do a dissolution of marriage which is much faster to complete and much, much, less expensive.”

Working with professionals

Amanda M. Jarratt emphasizes cooperation in financial matters: “The pie to be divided is limited. During a divorce, you will meet a number of pie-loving professionals. Be careful to save some pie for the people who baked it: you and your soon to be former spouse.”

Maintaining perspective

Carolyn Bone advises: “Divorce is almost always an emotionally difficult process, but at its heart, what you are really doing – as a client or an attorney – is problem solving. As much as possible, try to focus on solving problems in a workable, sustainable way that you can live with, rather than focusing on who is ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’”

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Common mistakes to avoid during divorce

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Understanding common pitfalls can help you navigate your divorce more successfully. Our experts highlight several crucial mistakes to avoid during this challenging transition.

Rushing the process

Morghan Richardson, Esq., warns against moving too quickly: “Most people are uncomfortable with conflict. But you cannot afford to ‘ghost’ out of a marriage when you have kids and property to divide. If you haven’t told your spouse you are unhappy, the news of a divorce will be even more devastating to them.” She recommends having several conversations about your unhappiness before proceeding with legal action.

Making emotional financial decisions

Elizabeth Esrey emphasizes financial prudence: “Don’t let yourself lose control of the finances behind the process for the sake of ‘getting even’ or ‘making him/her pay’. I’ve worked with too many parties who got what they wanted in their attorney-driven divorce and couldn’t afford it.”

Neglecting documentation

Jackie Pilossoph shares a crucial insight from her own experience: “One mistake I made during my divorce was, I trusted my attorney and didn’t really understand what I was signing. I didn’t realize that I had the option of actually reading all of the documents word for word and really understanding the deals I was making.” She emphasizes the importance of understanding every document you sign.

Involving children in conflict

Arthur Nielsen, MD, emphasizes a critical point about children: “Keep in mind the wisdom that (with only a few, dire exceptions), you should not criticize your ex-spouse in front of your children. Research actually shows that doing so will cause more distance from YOU. Kids don’t want to be in the middle and shouldn’t have to be.”

Mishandling social media

Virginia L. Colin, Ph.D., offers straightforward advice: “Do not post anything that you would not want your ex, the judge, your mom, or your kids to see. Maybe stay off social media until the divorce is final.” This guidance can prevent unnecessary complications and emotional escalation.

Refusing to consider mediation

Mark B. Baer, Esq., points out a common misconception: “Don’t assume that your divorce case cannot be handled through mediation or collaborative divorce process because the two of you aren’t amicable and have trust issues. Well-trained mediators and collaborative divorce practitioners have acquired skills to de-escalate conflicts and rebuild trust.”

Letting others drive your decisions

Denise Wade, Ph.D., warns about external influences: “During this transition, family members and friends you have depended upon for unconditional support may challenge your choices, criticize your judgment about an ex, or judge your daily decision making abilities about your children. Don’t allow others’ fears, insecurities, and resentment cause you to doubt yourself.”

Ignoring self-care

John Knoerzer, LCSW, emphasizes the importance of emotional management: “Emotions can run high during a divorce, so it is important to make time for self-care activities to manage your emotions. By articulating your core needs, you can help keep a difficult process from getting overwhelming.”

Making assumptions about your spouse

Moné Ardura and Danny Burk share a valuable perspective: “You have to play the cards YOU dealt yourself when you decided to marry the person you are now divorcing!” They emphasize understanding your spouse’s conflict style and adjusting your expectations accordingly rather than expecting dramatic changes during divorce.

Failing to plan long-term

Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, points out: “People can actually plan their divorce rather than make a split decision and have the chips fall where they may.” She advocates for thoughtful preparation and consideration of long-term implications rather than reactive decision-making.

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Looking toward the future

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Personal growth and recovery

Cori Dixon-Fyle, LCSW, suggests reframing the divorce narrative: “Divorce does not have to be stigmatized as a ‘failure’. Instead, divorce can often be reframed and seen as a success and a new transition to a healthier and happier life for the two of you.”

Karen Starr, LCPC, reminds us that “recovery from divorce is often an ongoing process. Most people continue to work through various stages of this very difficult journey even five years on. Nevertheless, it can be viewed as a time of hope.”

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Conclusion

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Preparing for divorce requires careful attention to emotional, legal, and practical considerations. By following the guidance of these experienced professionals and maintaining focus on creating a peaceful process, you can navigate this challenging transition more effectively. Remember that this is not just an ending but also the beginning of a new chapter in your life.

Whether you choose to work with a divorce attorney, pursue mediation, or explore other options, the key is to remain focused on your long-term well-being and, if you have children, their best interests. With proper preparation and support, you can move through this process with dignity and emerge stronger on the other side.

As Jennifer Howe, LCSW, wisely notes: “Do everything in your power to cultivate genuine respect and compassion for your partner, no matter how impossible that seems. There is a higher ground and it does provide more authentic rewards in the long run.”

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Lay the groundwork for a peaceful divorce

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When you think about how to financially prepare for divorce, what comes to mind?

Thinking about how much child support or alimony you’ll have to pay or should ask for? Or gathering up copies of your tax returns, bank statements, and spouses pay stubs?

While taking these steps are certainly helpful, there are a whole host of other things you can (and should) do to financially prepare for a divorce.

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1. Gather financial documents and records

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When it comes to preparing for a divorce, one of the most critical steps is to gather documentation your financial documents and records. Think of it as creating a financial snapshot of your financial life together.

Having a clear picture of your financial situation will empower you to make informed decisions during the whole divorce planning process.

Start by collecting these essential documents:

• Bank statements and account information: This includes checking and savings account statements.
• Credit card statements and account information: Gather statements for all credit cards.
• Credit reports from all three major credit bureaus: This will give you a comprehensive view of your credit history.
• Retirement account statements: Such as 401(k) or IRAs.
• Investment account statements: Any stocks, bonds, or other investments.
• Tax returns and W-2 forms: At least the last three years.
• Pay stubs and employment information: Your most recent pay stubs.
• Other debt information: Including personal loans, and mortgages.

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2. Create budgets to assess your current financial situation and plan your financial future

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Creating a budget is like drawing a roadmap for your financial journey through and beyond divorce. It’s an essential step to assess your own finances, current financial situation and plan for your financial future.

A well-thought-out budget will help you understand your income and expenses, identify areas where you can cut back, and set realistic financial goals.

Here’s how to get started assessing your situation:

• Identify your income and expenses: List all sources of income and categorize your expenses.
• Categorize your expenses into needs and wants: This will help you prioritize and make necessary adjustments.
• Set financial goals: Whether it’s saving for a down payment on a new home or paying off debt, having clear goals is key.
• Create a plan to achieve your financial goals: Outline steps to reach your goals, such as cutting discretionary spending or increasing your earnings.
• Review and adjust regularly: Life changes, and so should your budget. Regular reviews will keep you on track.

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3. Use your budgets to negotiate child support and alimony

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Many divorcing couples assume that child support and alimony are set in stone by state guidelines and divorce laws, but the reality is far more nuanced.

While states do provide guidelines for child support and, in some cases, alimony, they may not meet your unique needs. The key to securing support that truly meets your needs lies in effective negotiation.

With a detailed budget, you can clearly demonstrate to your soon-to-be ex-spouse the true cost of living for you and your children post-divorce.

This transparency can facilitate more amicable negotiations on support payments, ensuring your family’s well-being rather than merely accepting the default numbers from a state calculator.

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4. Create a balance sheet detailing all property and debts

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Just as budgets can help you understand what your past year current marital spending looks like, a balance sheet can help you understand what your current marital financial assets and debts look like.

So, why is preparing a balance sheet a critical step in preparing financially for a divorce?

First, the balance sheet will serve as the foundation of your property division negotiations in your divorce proceedings. Allowing you to see everything you and your spouse own, and everything you owe – aka your joint assets and liabilities – all in one place.

And second, by preparing a complete list of your marital assets and liabilities, and their respective values upfront, you can begin to form your negotiation strategy before you enter the divorce legal process.

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5. Establish individual financial accounts and credit

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As you prepare for divorce, establishing individual financial accounts and credit is a crucial step towards financial independence. In my experience as a mediator, it’s one of the biggest financial issues a stay-at-home-parent faces.

Here are some steps to gain financial independence:

• Opening individual bank accounts: Start with checking and savings accounts in your name.
• Applying for individual credit cards and other credit accounts: This will help you build your credit history.
• Building individual credit: Make on-time payments and keep your credit utilization low to improve your credit score.
• Monitoring your credit report and score: Regularly check your credit reports to ensure accuracy and identify areas for improvement.

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6. Decide if you can (or want to) stay in the marital home once your divorce is final

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If you own a home, and you’d like to stay there, keep that in mind as you prepare financially for divorce.

Understand not only the costs associated with your monthly mortgage payment and taxes, but also the cost of necessary maintenance like landscaping, snow removal, gutter cleaning, etc. required to keep many aspects of the home in good working order. And whether you’ll be able to maintain an emergency fund for when things go invariably wrong.

Doing so upfront will allow you to give thought to your divorce planning and negotiation strategy as you enter the divorce process, and what financial moves you’re willing to make, or will need to do, in exchange for keeping the house.

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7. Consider credit counseling and pull your credit report

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When applying for a mortgage, having a strong credit score is crucial for securing a favorable interest rate. Many individuals overlook the importance of maintaining a good score, but as you prepare for divorce, it’s essential to understand where you currently stand and take steps to improve.

In a lot of marriages, despite having joint finances, one spouse is the primary account holder for credit cards, mortgages, and other debts. This can result in that spouse having a well-established history, supported by timely payments and longstanding accounts. If you’re the spouse without this history, financial institutions may view you as a higher risk, making it challenging to secure loans in your own name.

To address this, consider opening accounts in your own name and regularly monitor your credit reports from the Annual Credit Report website to ensure accuracy. This proactive approach will help you establish a solid credit history for when you apply for additional credit accounts or mortgages in the future.

You can also consider scheduling time with a counselor to see what steps you can take to improve your individual credit score. Doing so now will help when it comes time to open new credit cards or apply for a mortgage if you decide you want to keep the house.

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8. Evaluate Social Security benefits

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If you’re divorcing later in life- often referred to as a “gray divorce“- it’s important to evaluate how your divorce might affect your Social Security benefits. By applying using your soon-to-be-ex’s financial records, you may be eligible for a higher benefit amount than if you applied using your own records.

To maximize your benefits, consider the following steps:

1. Research and Understand Eligibility: Familiarize yourself with the eligibility criteria for claiming Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouse’s earnings. Typically, you must have been married for at least 10 years and be currently unmarried to qualify.
2. Calculate Your Potential Benefits: Get your social security benefit statement to see how much you qualify to receive. Then use tools available on the Social Security Administration’s website to compare your benefits under both your own and your ex-spouse’s earnings. This will help you make an informed decision about which option is more advantageous.
3. Consider Timing: The age at which you begin claiming benefits can affect the amount you receive. Delaying your claim until you reach full retirement age (or beyond) can result in higher monthly payments.
4. Consult a Financial Advisor: Given the complexities of Social Security benefits and divorce, consulting a financial advisor or a certified divorce financial analyst can provide personalized guidance. They can help you navigate the intricacies of the system and develop a strategy to optimize your benefits.

By taking these steps, you can better prepare for your financial future post-divorce and ensure that you are making the most of joint assets and the benefits available to you.

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9. Find a (better) job

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When planning for divorce financially, understand that two households are more expensive to run than one. So, expect your post-divorce cost of living to go up. And with it, the likely need for you to generate more money than you currently do.

Beyond the immediate need for increased income, consider the long-term financial implications of divorce. Things like having to share in the cost of your children’s extracurricular activities, or contribute to their college tuition. This period of transition can be an opportunity to reassess your career goals and explore new job opportunities that align better with your financial future.

Additionally, it’s important to factor in potential changes in your work-life balance, especially if you have custody of children. Balancing a new job with family responsibilities may require adjustments, so plan accordingly to ensure stability for you and your children.

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10. Get a (new) financial advisor to help with divorce planning and future financial decisions

[/fusion_title][fusion_imageframe image_id=”2290|full” aspect_ratio=”” custom_aspect_ratio=”100″ aspect_ratio_position=”” skip_lazy_load=”” lightbox=”no” gallery_id=”” lightbox_image=”” lightbox_image_id=”” alt=”” link=”” linktarget=”_self” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”” id=”” max_width=”” sticky_max_width=”” align_medium=”none” align_small=”none” align=”none” mask=”” custom_mask=”” mask_size=”” mask_custom_size=”” mask_position=”” mask_custom_position=”” mask_repeat=”” style_type=”” blur=”” stylecolor=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” hover_type=”none” magnify_full_img=”” magnify_duration=”120″ scroll_height=”100″ scroll_speed=”1″ margin_top_medium=”” margin_right_medium=”” margin_bottom_medium=”” margin_left_medium=”” margin_top_small=”” margin_right_small=”” margin_bottom_small=”” margin_left_small=”” margin_top=”” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” bordersize=”” bordercolor=”” borderradius=”” z_index=”” caption_style=”off” caption_align_medium=”none” caption_align_small=”none” caption_align=”none” caption_title=”” caption_text=”” caption_title_tag=”2″ fusion_font_family_caption_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_title_font=”” caption_title_size=”” caption_title_line_height=”” caption_title_letter_spacing=”” caption_title_transform=”” caption_title_color=”” caption_background_color=”” fusion_font_family_caption_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_text_font=”” caption_text_size=”” caption_text_line_height=”” caption_text_letter_spacing=”” caption_text_transform=”” caption_text_color=”” caption_border_color=”” caption_overlay_color=”” caption_margin_top=”” caption_margin_right=”” caption_margin_bottom=”” caption_margin_left=”” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” filter_hue=”0″ filter_saturation=”100″ filter_brightness=”100″ filter_contrast=”100″ filter_invert=”0″ filter_sepia=”0″ filter_opacity=”100″ filter_blur=”0″ filter_hue_hover=”0″ filter_saturation_hover=”100″ filter_brightness_hover=”100″ filter_contrast_hover=”100″ filter_invert_hover=”0″ filter_sepia_hover=”0″ filter_opacity_hover=”100″ filter_blur_hover=”0″]https://equitablemediation.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/financial-professional-can-help-you-prepare-for-divorce-Equitable-Mediation.webp[/fusion_imageframe][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” user_select=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” content_alignment_medium=”” content_alignment_small=”left” content_alignment=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”” id=”” width_medium=”” width_small=”” width=”” min_width_medium=”” min_width_small=”” min_width=”” max_width_medium=”” max_width_small=”” max_width=”” margin_top=”40px” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” fusion_font_family_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_text_font=”” font_size=”16px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color6)” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

If you find yourself without a financial advisor, you’re not alone. Even if you do have one, it’s common for them to work more closely with one spouse, often leaving the other without personalized guidance.

If your advisor primarily assists your soon-to-be ex-spouse, it might be time to seek a new professional who can focus on your needs and well being more. Engaging a new, financial planner or advisor is a critical step in divorce financial planning and making informed future financial decisions.

You might wonder, “Why do I need one if I’m not a millionaire?” The truth is, no matter how much money you’ve got, a skilled money manager can be invaluable during a marriage or divorce.

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Financial planning can take many forms including:

• Analyzing your household income and expenses to effectively plan for child and spousal support.
• Compiling a comprehensive financial overview, including all bank and credit card accounts, investments, 401(k) and IRAs, real estate, mortgages, and even unique assets like collectibles and antiques.
• Clarifying any financial intricacies, especially if your spouse has complex compensation such as stock options or restricted stock units (RSUs).
• Creating a thorough financial plan to determine the necessary portions of retirement and non-retirement accounts to secure your financial future.

For those already retired, they can provide estate plan and investment strategies and advice to help you minimize capital gains and maximize discretionary income in light of your divorce settlement. The true value of a top financial planner or advisor lies in their role as a neutral, steady partner. Much like a calm voice during stock market fluctuations, they help prevent hasty decisions that might lead to future regret when circumstances change.

Reach out to friends and family for referrals and if no one comes to mind, check out the National Association of Professional Financial Advisors website to find someone in your area. Also, having a financial adviser who partners with a tax professional can help you understand any tax implications of receiving any joint assets in your divorce settlement.

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Key takeaways

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Navigating the financial aspects of a divorce can be a challenging journey, but with careful planning and informed decision-making, you can secure a stable financial future.

• Start by gathering all necessary financial documents
• Create a comprehensive budget and use it to effectively negotiate child support and alimony.
• Prepare a detailed balance sheet to understand your marital assets and debts.
• Start building your credit to gain financial independence and explore credit counseling to enhance your financial standing.
• Consider the implications of staying in your marital home.
• Evaluate your Social Security benefits.
• If needed, seek better employment opportunities to support your new lifestyle.
• Finally, enlist the guidance of a financial advisor or other professionals to provide insights and strategies for managing your household finances during and after the divorce process.

Remember, while the road ahead may seem daunting, and the steps may seem time consuming, taking these proactive steps will empower you to embrace your new life with confidence and security.

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Lay the groundwork for a peaceful divorce

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Preparing for divorce as a woman can seem like an impossible task. Especially if you weren’t the one managing the household finances. But I can tell you from my experience as a divorce mediator working with countless women just like you, taking these steps to get your personal finances ready, ensure your emotional and physical well-being, and minimize the impact of your divorce on your children’s lives, can make a significant difference in your health, your future happiness, and the outcome of your divorce.

I know at first it may seem like a lot. And I’m not going to lie – it is. But you don’t have to do it all at once. And you don’t have to do it alone. Mediators and coaches like us are here to support you every step of the way. And if you’re not quite ready to reach out, check out our self-study divorce planning resources.

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Financial divorce preparation tips for women

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Make copies of all important financial documents

Like the old saying goes: knowledge is power. And much of the knowledge required to effectively negotiate your divorce, can be gained by reviewing the documents I outline below. To start your education and prepare yourself to be a more effective advocate for yourself, gather copies of all important documents and financial records involving:

• Income – such as tax returns, W-2’s, and paystubs;
• Expenses – such as utility bills and mortgage statements;
• Assets – such as bank statements, investment account statements, 401(k) statements and/or other retirement accounts such as pensions and IRAs;
• Liabilities – such as credit card statements and mortgage statements;
• Estate Planning – such as wills and/or trusts, or life insurance policies.

When gathering documents, I recommend you do a “multi period lookback.” Meaning – don’t just gather one year of tax returns, gather three. Or don’t just gather one month of credit card statements, gather six. Doing so will allow you to look at an average, rather than just a single time period.

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Review your credit reports

As you prepare for divorce as a woman, if in the future you want to apply for a mortgage or want to get new credit cards only in your name, your credit history will need to be as clean as possible. Reviewing your credit reports for accuracy is an important exercise for women planning for divorce – especially when joint credit cards are involved.

Why is that? Because if your soon to be ex uses a joint credit card once your divorce is final, and doesn’t pay the balance, guess what? The bank will come calling on you, looking for repayment. So make sure those joint cards are closed the minute the ink dries on your divorce papers.

Visit the Annual Credit Report website to download free personalized reports from all three credit agencies. Make sure that you recognize all open credit titled in your name. And that any accounts that should be closed, are, in fact, closed.

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Open a new checking and savings account

As part of establishing your financial independence, it’s a good idea to open new checking and savings accounts – in your name only. You don’t need to start putting money into these separate bank accounts, or use them right away, but there will come a time once your divorce is over that you’ll need a place to deposit your share of the funds contained in any joint accounts, that you received in your divorce settlement.

And if you do see the potential for your divorce to take an unfortunate turn, you can use these accounts to establish an emergency fund for unforeseen expenses. Even if it means you need to borrow money from family or your 401(k).

While big banks certainly have their advantages, I’m a fan of credit unions. I find they’re not only more cost-effective, but typically offer more personalized service. See if there’s a credit union near you that you qualify to join, and open an account there.

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Open new credit cards in your name only

Just like with checking and savings accounts, it’s wise to open new credit card(s) exclusively in your name. But do not use the credit cards until your divorce is final unless you and your spouse have explicitly agreed that’s OK. Because if you do without permission, you’ll need to pay for any items you put on your new credit card from your own separate funds. And if you use marital funds to pay them, it can be seen by your spouse as a breach of trust. And send your divorce in a not-so-great direction.

When applying for a credit card, there is nothing wrong with reporting your total household income. Doing so increases the chances you’ll be granted a higher credit limit than if you simply reported your individual income (which, if you’re not currently working, may be $0).

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Investigate insurance coverage

Medical

After your divorce is finalized, you’ll likely lose access to health insurance provided by your spouse’s plan. So it will be necessary to secure new coverage for yourself. Health insurance can be quite expensive, so you’ll want to know these costs in advance so you can include them on your budget, and in your alimony negotiations, if applicable.

Options to consider:

1. Employer-provided insurance (if available)
2. Individual plans through the Health Insurance Marketplace

Explore the marketplace.

Divorce is a qualifying life event, enabling you to enroll in new coverage outside a plan’s standard open enrollment period. This means you can obtain coverage immediately after your divorce, regardless of the time of year.

Automobile

You’ll also want to reach out to your automobile insurance provider to get rates and/or apply for your own coverage. Many women are surprised to find out that just because they had a family plan with their spouse, they may not automatically qualify to remain with their current insurance carrier. And even if they can, their rate may be much higher than it was when part of the family plan.

Shop for insurance early on in the divorce process! You’d be surprised at how long it might take to obtain rates, apply for coverage, and decide what provider to go with.

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Review your Social Security benefits statement

If you worked inside the home for the majority of your marriage, chance are your social security benefits will be far lower than that of your ex spouse. But did you know that divorced women who’ve been married 10 years, and meet certain conditions at the time of their retirement, may be eligible to collect benefits higher than what they could have collected on your own?

Head on over to the Social Security website and learn if you’re eligible to claim this benefit.

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Review your prenuptial agreement

While not everyone has one, the contents of your prenup can play a significant role in crafting your divorce settlement agreement. Certainly, if you and your soon to be ex spouse are agreeable, you can choose which parts you want to adhere by, if any. But if you think your spouse is going to and enforce your prenup as-is, focus your time and attention on items that may either not be covered, or where you believe there is room for negotiation.

Consider speaking with an attorney regarding the legal aspects of your prenup and how enforceable it is, before you begin your divorce as not all prenups are created equally.

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Tactical divorce preparation tips for women

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Stay organized throughout your divorce proceedings

As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, there is a lot of paperwork in a divorce. I’m even surprised at just how much there is and I work with divorcing couples professionally! So my advice to you is to develop a system to stay organized so you can keep things under control and (try and) maintain your sanity.

If you’re a pad and paper kind of person, get yourself a three-ring binder or Penda flex file folder to keep copies of all the notes you’ll be taking, or documents you’ll be gathering. And label each section or pocket with tabs.

Or, if you’re a digital person, create a file structure on a computer or tablet you alone have access to (or in the cloud if you want added security,) so you can scan, and easily find copies of the documents you’ll need as you move through the divorce process.

When scanning documents, take time to name each file so you can more easily find what you’re looking for in the future. It also helps your mediator or attorney know what it is they’re looking at. Remember – most divorce professionals change by the hour so the more time they have to spend figuring out what you sent, the higher your bill will be.

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Open a post office box

It can be difficult to get confidential mail delivered to your house if your spouse doesn’t yet know you want a divorce. So post office boxes can be an easy, and inexpensive way to keep your private mail private. Especially if you plan on following my next two tips.

While there are lots of places out there offering PO Boxes such as UPS stores, or Postal Annexes, I’ve found the US Post Office to be more cost effective than the for-profit providers. Every town in America (as far as I know) has a post office so accessing your mail won’t become a hassle.

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Begin the search for family law divorce professionals

Preparing for and going through a divorce as a woman involves several crucial steps, but selecting the right divorce professional is arguably the most critical decision you’ll make. The professional and method you choose will significantly influence the outcome of your divorce.

Before beginning your search, it’s essential to understand the available divorce options. Perhaps you and your spouse are amicable, making divorce mediation an excellent option. Or if not, perhaps you’ll need legal representation and choose to hire a divorce lawyer. Your choice among these options will determine the type of divorce professional you’ll need to engage.

Learn about the 5 divorce options: The 5 Divorce Options and How to Choose the One Right for You.

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Take an inventory of all personal property

During divorce proceedings, some spouses may attempt to hide or sell their partner’s personal belongings, wrongly claiming ownership of assets considered marital property based on having paid for the items. Sadly this very thing happened to my cousin. Let me be clear: paying for an item doesn’t grant someone the right to take, steal, or dispose of it during a divorce!

To protect yourself:

1. Create a video inventory of your personal property with a witness present.
2. Include valuable items such as jewelry, electronics, and family heirlooms.
3. Upload the video to a cloud-based service to establish a date and time stamp.
4. If possible, create a document detailing each item’s value or replacement cost.

This precaution provides evidence of ownership of separate property, and can be invaluable if disputes arise over personal property during the divorce process.

Recruit a friend or family member to assist. Having someone to corroborate your efforts can come in handy if you were ever to find yourself litigating.

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Create and/or update your resume

Maybe you’re already working outside the home and have a job you like. Or you’re working inside the home and haven’t given much thought about returning to the workforce. Either way, it’s a good idea to update your resume. Or create one if you don’t currently have one.

Many community colleges offer resume and cover letter writing workshops for a very reasonable price. So check out your local community college if there’s one in your area. You might also consider working with a career coach who may offer resume writing services. In my experience, establishing financial independence is one of the best things you can do.

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Well-being preparation tips for women

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Have a plan for your mental health

Far too many women navigating divorce enter the process without a plan for their mental well-being. Underestimating the emotional toll their divorce will take on them and their family. So before things get underway, get your support system in place. Let only a few close friends and family members know what’s going on, and let them know you’ll be needing their support and understanding in the coming months. People love to help, and having the support of those who care about you, can help you get through the dark days that are certain to come.

Keep the circle small. Having the support of a tight group of friends and family is great. But having to be constantly discussing your divorce with literally everyone you know can be exhausting.

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Have a plan for your physical health

Everyone knows how important exercise is. But while going through legal proceedings, not everyone can stick to the schedule of hitting the gym 3x a week without a little help. One way to do that is with a fitness tracker. Fitbits and other devices can prompt you when it’s time to move, track how many times you worked out, and keep you motivated to do so. And if you don’t think you’ll get around to lifting those weights on your own, get an accountability partner like a friend to go to the gym with you, or hire a personal trainer to help you stick to the plan.

As a proud pet parent to a rescue dog (or 2 or 3…) I know that local animal shelters are always looking for people to walk the dogs they have on hand. What a great way to get exercise, help out a good cause, and maybe even make a new (furry) friend.

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Make important medical decisions

One of the unfortunate outcomes in a divorce is a loss of health insurance benefits for stay at home moms. And the coverage they’re able to get on their usually pales in comparison to what they had while married. So if there’s been a medical procedure or other important medical exam you’ve been putting off, take care of it now, before your coverage (possibly) goes away, or you’re forced to change providers and find yourself with less favorable coverage.

Visit the Health Insurance Marketplace to see what type of coverage you can qualify for, and what plans cost. Doing so will allow you to plan your medical decisions and build these costs into your apart budget.

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Family divorce preparation tips for women

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Think about what to do with the family home

While the decision to keep or sell the family home seems like it has everything to do with finances as it’s one if the most valuable marital assets a couple owns, the truth is, it’s really about family. Ideally the monthly expenses to keep it need to be covered by your income from employment, child support, and spousal support. But even when it doesn’t, having a persuasive argument about why it’s best for the kids to keep the home, can go a long way. Even when the numbers say otherwise.

In my experience as a mediator, the house is the #1 property division issue couples face. And one which requires the most preparation to resolve effectively. So if your intention is to remain in the home post-divorce, get started on your reasons now. Given how expensive rents are now, and the disruption to your children’s lives, it may be far more cost effective – financially and emotionally – to keep it.

Get educated and learn all about who gets the house in a divorce as the answer isn’t as clear as you might think.

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Line up emotional support for your kids

For women navigating divorce with children, their well being is your first priority. So you’ll want to have someone they can talk to. Even if that someone is not you. Maybe your therapist (if you have one) also works with children. But even if they do, your child may feel like they can’t talk to someone who is also talking to you. In that case, ask friends, family, and even teachers and counselors for recommendations. Directories like the one at Psychology Today can also be a good place to start.

Get your kids into counseling before your divorce gets underway. So that when your divorce proceedings begin, they’ll have a good emotional connection with their therapist and will be comfortable sharing their feelings.

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Key takeaways

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• Empower yourself financially by carefully gathering and organizing your important documents and financial information. Think of this as creating a comprehensive snapshot of your financial journey.
• Embrace your independence by thoughtfully establishing new bank accounts and credit cards in your name, setting the stage for your fresh start.
• Protect your financial health by closely reviewing your credit reports and addressing any potential issues with care and attention.
• Take charge of your personal well-being by proactively exploring new insurance options that will support you moving forward.
• Build your support network with intention, choosing a few trusted confidants who can provide emotional support and a positive outlook during this challenging transition.
• Safeguard your personal belongings by creating a detailed inventory, treating your possessions with the respect and care they deserve.
• Invest in your future by refreshing your professional profile and exploring exciting opportunities for personal and career growth post divorce.
• Nurture your children’s emotional wellness by providing compassionate support and professional guidance to help them navigate this family change.

Remember – your divorce doesn’t define you—it’s just one part of your journey. With courage, support, and care for yourself, you’ll find strength you never knew you had and create a beautiful new chapter in your life.

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Lay the groundwork for a peaceful divorce

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• Since guidelines on how to resolve many of the parental and financial matters required for divorce are either unclear or non-existent, it can be quite difficult to determine what’s fair.
• Everyone has their own definition of what is fair, and a fair divorce doesn’t always mean 50-50.
• There is more than meets the eye on resolving parenting plans, custody, alimony and assets/liabilities and these matters are too difficult to try to negotiate with your spouse on your own.
• The best way to negotiate a divorce settlement with your spouse that’s fair is to use mediation. Here’s why.

When you first told your spouse you wanted a divorce, you may have said things like, “I only want what’s fair for both of us and the kids” or “I’m not looking to turn this in to an all-out war.” Wise words indeed… But wanting a fair divorce and actually figuring out what is fair in a divorce settlement are two entirely different matters.

So what are the things you need to concern yourself with, how do you know what to ask for in a divorce settlement agreement, and how can you negotiate an agreement with your spouse you both find fair?

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The elements of a fair settlement in divorce:

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Before you can even begin to define what a fair negotiated settlement looks like, you need to understand the main elements that make up a divorce settlement agreement in the first place. There are countless issues that need to be determined in the divorce process, but the 4 major subjects to negotiate and resolve in divorce settlement discussions are:

1. Parenting plan and child custody (parenting time);
2. Child support and related expenses
3. Alimony / maintenance / spousal support / spousal maintenance (determining if it applies and if so, the amount and duration);
4. Marital asset and liability division and determining which assets are considered either the couple’s marital property or a spouse’s separate property.

Let’s take a closer look at the things to consider in a divorce agreement and types of issues that need to be decided within each of these categories:

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1. Negotiating a divorce settlement: Parenting time and child custody

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As parents, you know there is nothing more valuable than time with your children. Unfortunately, in a divorce settlement, unless you retain full custody of your children (and I’m guessing your spouse won’t find that fair), you’ll go from seeing them every day to being a part-time parent.

And that can hurt.

On one hand, you want to spend as much time as possible with your children. On the other hand, your spouse is a good person, an “all-in” parent, loves and is devoted to them. So you want the kids to spend as much time with them as possible, too.

Reconciling what’s fair when it comes to parenting plans and child custody are no doubt among the most difficult decisions you’ll have to face when it comes to your divorce matter. And since there are no laws or guidelines around what it means to be a good parent or how you should structure your parenting plan, it can get tricky to figure out how to get a fair divorce settlement and what that really looks like for you, your soon-to-be ex-spouse and your kids.

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2. Divorce settlements and negotiating child support

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Federal law requires that each state have a set of child support guidelines for providing divorcing parents with an idea of how much financial support their children need in order to live happy, healthy lives post-divorce.

Notice I said guidelines and not formula.

That means when it comes to determining a fair child support agreement, it’s really up to the parties (the two spouses). But here’s the thing… It’s not the two of you that this primarily financial issue is about. It’s about your children – and what’s fair to them. Not what some federally mandated guideline dictates.

To determine what’s fair to your kids, you and your spouse will both need to consider in your divorce settlement how their lives looked like before you decided to divorce. And what you’ll both need to do as their parents, to try to keep it that way after your divorce.

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3. Negotiating alimony for a divorce settlement

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If there is one topic that causes more questions than answers when it comes to what’s fair in a divorce settlement, it’s alimony – also known as spousal support, maintenance or spousal maintenance depending on where you live. Determining a fair alimony amount and duration is tough, no matter whether you have a long-term marriage or have only been married a few years. Unlike child support where there’s at least a starting point for discussion generated by a software program, when it comes to alimony, no such software exists.

Sure there are “statutory factors” and other similarly vague dictums but in very few cases does a calculated alimony formula exist. And even those are subject to negotiation. So how do you come to terms both the paying spouse and the receiving spouse find fair when it comes to alimony? If you’re not careful, you and your spouse could find yourselves in divorce litigation in family law court going back and forth and around and around on this challenging issue forever with no fair resolution in sight.

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4. Negotiating division of your marital assets and marital debts

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There are two methodologies used when dividing marital assets and liabilities in a divorce. Where you live will determine which methodology applies in your divorce case.

When it comes to dividing a marital asset or marital debt if you live in an equitable distribution state, the parties (you and your divorcing spouse) are to come to a fair, but not necessarily equal, property division. Whereas if you live in a community property state, the parties are to divide marital property equally.

The reality is, whether you live in an equitable distribution or community property state, you and your spouse can negotiate what a fair marital settlement agreement would look like in your particular case. Meaning, if you negotiate, you can choose to divide your marital assets and liabilities in a fair but not necessarily equal manner.

At first you might think, “That’s great as we’d much rather decide how to split our marital assets and debts on our own instead of being told by a judge in court what to do.” But you have to be careful as how to get a fair property settlement in divorce can be difficult!

First, there’s the magic phrase, “fair but not necessarily equal.” How does a divorcing couple decide what that means? Is it 50-50? 60-40? Or some other split? And who gets the short end of that stick? How do you account for the impact of pre-tax versus post-tax assets, or ones that change in value frequently versus those that don’t? Your financial settlement might have looked fair the day you negotiated it. But then the market took a nosedive, and now your share of the property division is worth far less than it was just a few short days ago!

Then there’s the other interesting tidbit about “marital assets and liabilities.” What’s in and what’s out of your discussions around splitting assets are just as important as coming to a fair settlement in divorce in the first place. What if you owned a house before you got married and used the proceeds from the sale of that real estate to buy the home you now live in? Or you started building your retirement accounts right out of college, long before you got married. Now it’s worth a great deal of money. Do you have to share all of it? Some of it? None of it?

This divorce settlement negotiation that’s fair thing is starting to look like a myth.

Or is it?

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What can you do to ensure you get a fair divorce agreement?

[/fusion_title][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” user_select=”” awb-switch-editor-focus=”” content_alignment_medium=”” content_alignment_small=”left” content_alignment=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”list-ul-style” id=”” width_medium=”” width_small=”” width=”” min_width_medium=”” min_width_small=”” min_width=”” max_width_medium=”” max_width_small=”” max_width=”” margin_top=”” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” fusion_font_family_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_text_font=”” font_size=”16px” line_height=”” letter_spacing=”” text_transform=”” text_color=”var(–awb-color6)” animation_type=”fade” animation_direction=”static” animation_color=”” animation_speed=”1.0″ animation_delay=”0.5″ animation_offset=”” logics=””]

So who decides the settlement in divorce proceedings? Since there are little or no laws or specific guidelines on how to resolve many of the parental and financial matters described above, you can see that there’s lots of room for interpretation of what’s fair. But there is a way to negotiate a divorce settlement with your spouse that’s fair.

Use divorce mediation to negotiate an agreement with your spouse that’s fair.

It’s a divorce method that enables you to create an equitable divorce settlement that’s fair to both of you because it’s a product of your own decisions and agreements. And instead of you and your spouse trying to negotiate on your own, or having to hire your own separate divorce attorney to negotiate for you, choose to work with an expert divorce mediator who possesses the skills, knowledge and expertise to successfully guide you and your spouse through a fair divorce negotiation process.

Mediation is the best way to negotiate a fair divorce settlement!

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Lay the groundwork for a peaceful divorce

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