I Want to Divorce My Husband: 3 Essential Steps for Having the Talk

Situation #4 - How can I divorce my husband when he's reluctant to divorce: Counter his objections.

If your husband won't cooperate with divorce, you'll need to ask questions so you can understand why he's reluctant in the first place. Because there are always reasons.

To divorce your husband, you'll need to counter his objections so he will(hopefully)agree to move forward towards peacefully ending the marriage.

Here are 3 common objections a husband reluctant to divorce can have and some strategies for overcoming them:

Objection #1: "It's better to stay together for the kids" instead of divorcing.

Some husbands don't want to divorce because they believe it's important to stay together for the kids -at any cost. They believe divorce causes long-term damage to children. But in reality, it's not divorce itself that has the greatest long-term impact on a kid's life - it's the level of conflict between the parents that is the source of most damage to children emotionally and psychologically.

When asked if couples should stay together for the children, Rosalind Sedacca, Divorce & Parenting Mentor and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, shared these insights:

“Several studies on divorce and its effect on children have shown that conflict is the source of most damage to children emotionally and psychologically. So if a couple is having issues, having problems and there's conflict at home, tension at home or the parents are basically avoiding each other at home, the children are living in an environment that's not supporting healthy lifestyle and growing up with security and peace of mind. And that is very damaging to children.

It's better for the family to change its form following a divorce and have two households where the children are either moving from one to the other or living primarily with one parent and interacting with the other and living in more peace so that when they are with mom, they are happy with mom and when they are with dad, they are happy with dad. And they are in a conflict-free environment.”

We've worked with many couples who admit they were in an unhappy and/or sexless marriage and not great together as spouses but were terrific as mother and father. But only after they both recognized the marriage was over and got a divorce.

Instead of spending their time fighting with each other, they mediated and focused their attention on their job of raising happy and well-adjusted children.

Divorce is hard in the short run but in the long run, children have been shown to have no lasting effects from it provided their parents handled their split maturely and had a child-focused divorce. So if there's a lot of conflict and hostility in your marriage, the argument about staying together for the kids may not make sense.

If your husband truly loves his kids, tell him the way to put the kids first is by keeping things peaceful and being great parents, not by remaining married.

Because that's what's better for the kids.

Objection #2: "It's cheaper to stay together" instead of getting a divorce.

Some husbands don't want to divorce because they're practical and their reluctance comes from believing it's cheaper to stay together. While it's true that two households are more expensive to run than one, people living apart tend to be more aware, and in control of, their finances and conscientious of their spending.

But besides the couple's household spending, there's an even more important hidden cost buried in this objection and that's the cost of an adversarial divorce. Unless your husband is willing to cooperate so you can use a more peaceful and cost-effective divorce method, your remaining option will be adversarial and expensive. So the very problem he wants to avoid: spending a lot of money, will happen anyway if he won't cooperate with your decision to divorce.

Explain to your reluctant husband that having a peaceful divorce now is far less expensive than having a contentious divorce later. And ask him not to let his resistance to divorce put him (and the kids and you) in a financial hole you will all have a hard time digging out of.

Objection #3: "If we just work on things a little longer - the marriage will get better."

It's unlikely an individual wakes up one day and out of the blue, decides they want a divorce. Divorce is rarely a snap decision for the spouse who's initiating it. They have more likely been thinking about this decision for a very long time.

One couple we met with recently came to us after spending seven years trying to work on their marriage. Seven years! When the point is reached where one spouse is absolutely certain about wanting to leave the marriage, no amount of time is going to change their mind.

But to the reluctant spouse who is on the receiving end of this news, it can come as quite a shock, even if they know that things in the marriage have broken down or are still in love. They haven't had the same benefit of time and contemplation as the spouse driving the decision.

It's now up to you to let your husband know that you've given this a lot of thought and you're sure you want divorce. It's important to be compassionate, but firm, because if you aren't, you'll give him false hope that things can get back on track, which won't do either of you any good.

• Acknowledge that while he may not have had a choice in the decision to divorce, he can have a say in its outcome.
• Tell him you need his help in keeping the process as peaceful as possible and divorcing out of court for the sake of the kids.
• Your husband also needs to hear your reassurance that you're not out to get him - you want him just as active in the kids' lives as he's always been and you want a financial settlement agreement that's fair to both of you and your children.

If your husband is reluctant to divorce for any of the reasons described above, consider these tips to counter his objections, help him come to terms with your decision and agree to work with you to peacefully end the marriage.

Which leads me to my final tip on this “I want a divorce but my husband doesn't” subject…

Situation #5 - My husband says divorce is too expensive: Suggest using mediation.

If you've taken the time to get educated on all of the various options for getting a divorce, you've learned that divorce mediation is the most child-focused, fair and cost-effective option available.

But because mediation requires your husband's cooperation and active participation, once he's had time to come to terms with what's happening, (hopefully) he'll be receptive to using this peaceful divorce method.

Tell your husband about the benefits of using divorce mediation

• Stress to him the importance of mediating for your children's sake. If your kids see that you're respectful to each other and can put aside your hurt feelings to fairly and equitably settle your differences, they'll learn a powerful life lesson.
• Explain to him that parenting plans and child support arrangements designed in mediation will be better for your kids. Instead of leaving those important decisions up to an unsympathetic divorce lawyer or judge in family court.
• Let him know that he (and you) can either mediate privately now, while the choice is yours, or later, when it isn't. Because if you hire divorce lawyers and litigate, in many states, the courts will require you to mediate first.
• Help your reluctant husband understand that agreements reached in mediation are far more likely to be fair to both of you. Especially since in most states, there are no formulas for determining alimony (also known as spousal support, maintenance or spousal maintenance, depending on the state).
• Tell him that mediation is more cost-effective than using divorce attorneys. And if he doesn't believe you, suggest that he speak with some friends who used lawyers for their divorce so he can hear first-hand how expensive it was, how long it took, and the negative toll it took on them and their children.
• Suggest that he learn more about mediation on his own. No one likes to be told what to do and you don't want your husband to feel like he has no say in how the divorce is going to proceed. He needs the opportunity to learn about divorce mediation for himself and how it compares to using lawyers or a do-it-yourself divorce.
• Then, once he has come to terms with your decision to divorce and is ready to proceed, find a good divorce mediator and start the process.
  
  

After the talk: ending your own marriage and building a healthy future for your life ahead

But just because you've had the conversation, the work doesn't end.

Here are some next steps:

• Focus on building a healthy relationship with yourself and your children - How can you prioritize your own needs and well-being during this time? Especially as a single mother?
• Consider seeking counseling or therapy to work through issues and improve communication - How can you use this experience to grow and learn as a person?
• Think about your goals and priorities for your life after the divorce process has ended - What do you want to achieve, and how will you get there?
• Consider the importance of co-parenting and how you’ll work with your ex to raise your children - How can you maintain a healthy relationship and respect your ex for the sake of your kids?
• Reflect on what you’ve learned from your marriage and how you can apply those lessons to your future relationships - What do you want to do differently in your next relationship?
  
  

Key takeaways

• Before having the divorce conversation with your husband, carefully examine your reasons and ensure you're certain about your decision to avoid giving false hope or mixed signals later.
• Remember that while your husband may not have had a choice in the decision to divorce, you can empower him by emphasizing that he can have a say in how the divorce proceeds and its outcome.
• Give your husband time to process the news, recognizing that while you've had months or years to consider divorce, it may come as a shock to him even if he knows the marriage has problems.
• When children are involved, understand that it's not divorce itself that causes the most damage, but rather ongoing parental conflict. A peaceful divorce can be healthier than maintaining a high-conflict marriage.
• Consider mediation as a cost-effective and peaceful alternative to litigation, as it allows both parties to maintain control over decisions affecting their children and finances while keeping costs lower than traditional litigation.
• Approach the conversation with compassion while remaining firm in your decision, and be prepared to address common objections like financial concerns or beliefs about staying together for the children.
• Focus on maintaining open communication throughout the process, as isolating or walling off your spouse typically leads to defensiveness and can make the divorce more difficult and expensive.