Divorce after 20 years is a complex undertaking with a lot at stake. In this post we'll share what you can do to understand the issues you'll be facing and plan a smart course of action to preserve wealth, get emotional support, and put yourself on solid financial footing when divorcing after 20 years or more.
Before we begin - Why do people divorce after 20 years of marriage?
Imagine spending two decades or more building a life together, only to discover you've grown in different directions. It might sound surprising, but there's a very real and common reason why couples decide to part ways after a long marriage.
As children become more independent and couples find themselves with more free time, many people start to reconnect with themselves in ways they never expected.
The #1 reason? Personal growth
Think about it – when was the last time you truly explored your own interests? Many husbands and wives spend years taking care of family, careers, and everyone else's needs, often setting aside their personal dreams and passions. Suddenly, with kids grown and responsibilities shifting, there's space to ask those big questions:
Who am I now? What do I want from life? These moments of self-discovery can be both exciting and challenging, especially when they reveal that you and your partner may have grown apart.
It's not about blame or failure. Instead, it's about hope and the courage to embrace the future. Some people discover new interests, make new friends, and realize they're craving a different kind of relationship – one that truly reflects who they've become.
Life is short so keep the divorce process peaceful
Whether it's a lack of communication, emotional connection, sex, health, infidelity, trust issues, or shared future goals, unhappy older couples choose to divorce after staying together for two decades or more for many reasons.
Regardless of the reason, moving forward means recognizing that love isn't always about staying together, but about supporting each other's happiness and personal journey. Which for some couples, that journey means walking separate paths, with mutual respect and understanding that people change. And that's okay.
The challenges of divorce after 20 years of marriage
Let's take a closer look at how divorcing after 20 years of marriage (or more) can impact the specific parental and financial issues you'll face and what you can do to address them.
Parental Issues:
How your children will take the news of your divorce after 20 years
Chances are good you have teenagers but deliberately waited until the kids were older thinking it was in their best interest.
The teenage years are unique in a child's development. The focus of their life is no longer on the home and parents, but on their own new hobbies and interests, school, peers and independence. Making them very critical about the situation with a common refrain being "how could you do this to me!?"
It will be important to be prepared for this possible reaction so you can help your kids cope with the divorce. Many couples participate in both family therapy as well as individual counselling to help manage the children's intense emotions, and ease the transition.
Crafting your parenting plan
Negotiating a set, repeating schedule and maintaining a united front as parents when divorcing after 20 years is critical to ensuring children's well being.
Many of the parents we work with insist they don't need a parenting plan. Instead allowing their children to decide with whom they'll live, and when they'll visit the other parent. And while giving them some autonomy may seem like a good idea, the lack of structure can lead to issues between parents and children.
If you want to sit with and talk to them and ask them what kind of parenting time arrangement they'd like to talk about, that's fine. But remember you are the adults and setting the schedule is up to you.
Financial Issues:
What to do with your marital home (if you own one)
If you have teenagers, you might want to keep the house for the sake of the children to minimize the upheaval the divorce will have on their family life and schoolwork.
But since the house is often the most significant marital asset a couple owns, it means you need to figure out how to financially support two separate households with one spouse staying in the marital home while the the other partner finds another place to live.
Unless, of course, you decide to both remain in the marital home for some time after your divorce. And that comes with other challenges.
To address this, start by learning about nesting plans and create a budget that captures the expenses of keeping the marital home and possibly renting a second residence.
The complexity of child support for teenagers
For couples divorcing after 20 years, child support can get complicated when children approach college age. Most state guidelines adjust support based on the number of children, meaning support will likely decrease with children leaving home.
But since college students spend 22 weeks a year at home, they will still incur expenses that don't disappear when child support changes.
Consider a reduced amount of child support for college aged child to ensure their needs continue to be met regardless of whether they're living at home, or have left home and are living on campus.
And since teenager's expenses are far greater than younger children, that will require some careful planning too. Negotiate a higher than recommended child support amount to ensure their expenses are adequately covered. If your state (like New Jersey's child support guideline) doesn't already factor that in.
In cases of a long marriage, child support conversations entail far more than just running a guideline calculator and accepting the output.
Changes to how the length of alimony / spousal support is determined
In the past, it was common for couples divorcing after 20 years of marriage, to have an alimony agreement that required one partner to pay their former partner in perpetuity. But that is typically no longer the case.
For example, alimony reform in New Jersey states for marriages that last 20 years or less, the length of alimony payments cannot exceed the length of the marriage unless a judge decides there are exceptional circumstances.
So in the past, a former spouse who got divorced after a 20 years marriage might have been eligible to receive permanent alimony. But today, there are no guarantees.
So learn more about how alimony works to plan your negotiation strategy as that's what it usually comes down to as the rules around how it's determined aren't exactly clear.
The challenges of divorce after 25 years
Similar to a 20 year divorce, divorce after 25 years will center around issues related to children and finances. But a lot can happen in those additional 5+ years. Chances greatly increase that most (if not all) children are in college, and some may have even graduated.
Here are some issues to consider in a divorce after 25 years of marriage and strategies you can use to address them.
Parental Issues:
How your children will take the news of your divorce after 25 years
It's a common misconception that older children take the news of their parents divorce better than young children. When in fact, the opposite is true. And in a divorce after 25 years, there is an excellent chance your children are no longer minors but older "adults." And will want to be treated as such.
While we're not implying you should stay together for the sake of the kids, they are still you children and will need your support.
In cases like these family therapy can allow you to discuss the life changes you'll all be experiencing in a caring and supportive environment. Realize they feel they're adults and include in the conversation
Dealing with "slow to launch" children
Many college graduates face significant challenges, including high student loan debt and the rising cost of living, making it difficult for them to live independently.
It's increasingly common for young adults to return home after completing their education. This trend, often referred to as "boomeranging," presents a real challenge for parents.
While you may not need a formal parenting plan for your adult children, people feel it's important to consider the possibility they might return home. As parents, think about how to manage their living arrangements if they do come back and how if will impact your decision to keep or sell the marital home.
Financial Issues:
The decision to keep or sell the marital home becomes even more difficult
As we discussed there is the distinct possibility of children "boomeranging" back home once they've graduated college. In a divorce after 25 years, it's extremely likely at least one of your two or three children is in college, and one (or more) may have even graduated.
If you're facing divorce as an empty nester, you'll need to ask yourself how important it is for your kids to return to the house they grew up in on holidays and school breaks. Or if it's ok to sell the house now since the kids are primarily living at school for most of the year.
And if they have boomeranged, where can they / you go if you decide to sell it?
Because your children are no longer minors, they may want to have a say in your decision. So don't be afraid to include them but once again, you're the adults and need to have the final say.
Buying out the marital home gets even harder
When divorcing after 25 years of marriage, there's a good chance your house is fully or almost paid off.
Meaning one of you is going to have to procure a hefty mortgage to buy the other party out or you'll each walk away with a nice sum to put down on a place of your own after the divorce process is finished.
In both of these cases, if you're the spouse who worked inside the home raising children, getting approved for a mortgage without an income history is going to be tough. So regardless of whether or not you want to buy your spouse out of the marital home, or prefer to buy a place of your own, doing so may prove challenging.
Two options to consider are delaying the sale of the home until retirement and exchanging the equity in the home for some other asset. In both of these cases, if you're the spouse who wants to remain, you can do so without having to uproot yourself immediately after your divorce.
Alimony / spousal support and the 25 year marriage
If your role was to raise the children, you've probably been out of the workforce for many years. Even if you got a job when they graduated from high school just to keep yourself busy, it's unlikely the money is enough to support yourself on what you take home.
Many states are allowing alimony to end upon the retirement of the paying spouse (usually age 67). That means even when divorcing after 25 years of marriage, you may only be receiving alimony for a few years. And it might not be enough time for you to get back on your feet and establish your own separate life.
Consider career counseling or returning to college to improve your future financial potential.
Paying for college as a form of child support
Another interesting development is in the area of who pays for college when parents divorce after 25 years.
Couples are often surprised to find out that if they remain married, they'd have no formal obligation to pay for their children's college education. Even though they may choose to do so on their own.
But when they get divorced after 25 years, in some states like Illinois and New Jersey, they may be required to pay for college.
Be sure to come to terms on what each of your contributions to college will be (if any) and what marital assets you may use to satisfy those obligations.
Key Takeaways
Personal growth is often the primary reason couples divorce after long marriages, as individuals rediscover themselves when children become more independent.
Teenage and adult children can have complex emotional reactions to parental divorce, making family therapy and open communication crucial.
Financial considerations are intricate, including decisions about the marital home, child support for teenagers and college-aged children, and potential alimony limitations.
Many states now limit alimony duration, even for marriages lasting 20-25 years, which can create financial challenges for the spouse who was primarily a homemaker.
"Boomerang" children (young adults returning home after college) add complexity to divorce negotiations about housing and living arrangements.
Some states may require divorced parents to contribute to college expenses, which differs from obligations during marriage.
Creating a structured parenting plan remains important, even with older children, to minimize potential conflicts and provide stability.
Career counseling or returning to college can be valuable strategies for the spouse seeking to re-enter the workforce after a long marriage.
