While an amicable divorce may seem out of reach given the complex emotions involved, it is achievable with the right approach.
In this guide, we'll walk you through the essential steps to help you have an amicable divorce, creating a foundation for a healthier future - for both you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
What is an amicable divorce?
An amicable divorce is one in which both spouses agree to resolve the terms of their divorce agreement cooperatively and respectfully - out of court.
This approach helps avoid the adversarial nature and outcome of a divorce trial by using cooperative and respectful resolution methods. So it’s better for you and your kids.
5 Choices to make for an amicable split
Did you know the reason most divorces get so out of hand is because the parties don’t know they have choices?
It's true!
Here are 5 choices you can make to keep your divorce peaceful and increase the chances you'll remain friends post-divorce.
Make the decision to divorce without blame.
Regardless of the factors that led to the failure of your marriage, if you find yourself at the crossroads of divorce, the time for blame has passed.
Your only choice now is to move forward.
Choose to make the decision to divorce without placing blame on each other and you stand an excellent chance of divorcing amicably.
Choose to rehash the past and blame each other for what went wrong during the marriage and your chances of having an amicable divorce go out the window.
Focus on the big picture
Before you get wrapped up discussing every divorce detail with your spouse, take the time to figure out what's most important to you - what your wants, needs and non-negotiables are.
That way, you won't get caught up in the muck and will have the clarity to tackle negotiations in a more peaceful and constructive manner.
This is especially critical if you and your spouse have children together.
Nobody wins in divorce.
But if you focus on what's most important, like your kids and your future, instead of fighting over semantics or trying to be right, you'll improve your chances of divorcing peacefully and getting an agreement you find fair and equitable.
Negotiate the terms of your divorce in good faith
In a good faith negotiation, both parties agree to put all of their "cards on the table."
Openly disclosing all assets, debts, income, etc. in order to paint a complete picture of their finances and what issues need to be discussed and resolved.
A good faith negotiation builds trust.
And will keep your divorce proceedings transparent so you can have an amicable divorce and reach a fair agreement.
Place the needs of your children first
In order to divorce amicably, you must also place the needs of your family first and be good co-parents.
Choosing a peaceful divorce option like divorce mediation will enable you to put the needs of your children first and have an amicable divorce process.
Mediation focuses on improving relationships instead of destroying them. Allowing you to make the decisions throughout your divorce or separation that are in your children's best interests.
When as a couple, you and your spouse choose to work with a divorce mediator you're saying:
"We're putting our children's needs first. We want to decide together what's best for them as parents. Not against each other as litigants."
"We want to make sure each of us is actively involved in their lives and has as much parenting time with them as possible."
"We want to work together to resolve child support and make sure they don't become the economic victims of our divorce."
Work through the terms of your divorce settlement in an environment of mutual respect and dignity - out of court - with divorce mediation
The best way to have an amicable separation or divorce is to choose to mediate without involving lawyers.
By its very nature, divorce can get heated.
But instead of hiring family law attorneys and turning your divorce dispute into an all-out war in court, work with one highly skilled divorce mediator who will help you develop peaceful divorce solutions that benefit both spouses.
And your children.
Unlike contentious divorce litigation or even a collaborative divorce process, there is no confrontational "us versus them" mentality.
Divorce mediation is based on respectful dialog and mutually-agreeable problem-solving so you can both move forward peacefully. Instead of prolonging the fighting.
Not divorcing amicably will really cost you in legal fees!
If you're considering hiring a divorce lawyer remember, costs can be substantial. Opting for a civil divorce might seem less dramatic, but it's worth it.
Divorce lawyers are costly.
Expenses can quickly escalate to tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars, potentially forcing you to liquidate savings, take out loans, or use money from your children's college funds.
Beyond the financial burden, a lawyer-driven divorce can take an emotional toll, leading to prolonged conflict and stress for many couples.
A peaceful divorce is more economical. Choosing a peaceful path forward can save you both money and emotional distress.
Preparing for an amicable divorce
Preparing for an amicable divorce requires a thoughtful and intentional approach.
It’s essential to take the time to gather information, understand the issues, how they work, and consider the needs of all parties involved.
Here are some steps to help you prepare:
Gather Financial Information: Start by collecting all relevant financial documents. Having a clear picture of your financial situation will make the process smoother and help in negotiating a fair settlement.
Understand the Divorce Process: Familiarize yourself with the divorce process in your state. Knowing these details will help you navigate the process more confidently and avoid unnecessary delays.
Consider Counseling: Professional help from a counselor or therapist can be incredibly beneficial during this time. It can help you process your emotions, develop a plan for moving forward, and ensure that you’re making decisions from a place of clarity and strength.
Identify Your Goals: Take some time to determine what you want to achieve in the divorce process. This includes your goals for child custody, child support, and property division. Having clear objectives will guide your negotiations and help you stay focused on what’s most important.
Choose a Peaceful Divorce Method: Decide to pursue an uncontested divorce using an alternative dispute resolution method like mediation, which can help you reach an agreement more amicably and with less stress.
3 Tips as you enter the amicable divorce process
Don't Forget About Effective Communication and Negotiation
Effective communication and negotiation are critical components of an amicable divorce.
Here are some tips to help you communicate effectively and negotiate a fair settlement:
Practice Active Listening: Listen carefully to your soon-to-be-ex spouse’s concerns and respond thoughtfully. Active listening shows respect and can help de-escalate tensions, making it easier to find common ground.
Use “I” Statements: Instead of blaming your former spouse, use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, say “I feel concerned about our children’s schedule” instead of “You never stick to the schedule.” This approach reduces defensiveness and promotes constructive dialogue.
Focus on Interests, Not Positions: Instead of focusing on your respective positions, try to understand the underlying interests and needs that are driving your requests. This can open up more possibilities for mutually beneficial solutions.
Seek Common Ground: Look for areas of agreement and try to find solutions that benefit both parties. This cooperative approach can lead to a more amicable and sustainable agreement.
Negotiate Your Agreement Using Mediation: Divorce Mediation can be a helpful way to resolve disputes and reach a fair settlement. A neutral mediator can facilitate discussions, help you understand each other’s perspectives, and guide you toward a mutually acceptable agreement.
Focus on Parenting and Maintaining a Positive Relationship
Parenting and maintaining a positive relationship with your former spouse are essential for the well-being of your kids.
Here are some ideas to set you up for co-parenting success:
Agree to Communicate Regularly: Communicate regularly with your former spouse about your children’s needs and schedules. Use a co-parenting app if you feel communication may lead to conflict.
Develop a Clear Parenting Plan: Develop a plan that outlines in great detail your parenting responsibilities and expectations. A well-thought-out plan can prevent misunderstandings and provide a sense of stability for your children.
Prioritize Your Children’s Needs: Always prioritize your children’s needs and make decisions that are in their best interests. This approach will help you maintain a positive co-parenting relationship and help with your children’s well-being.
Seek Professional Help: Agree to work together from a therapist if you need help navigating co-parenting challenges.
Be Flexible: Be flexible and willing to adjust your co-parenting plan as needed. Life is unpredictable, and being adaptable will help you handle changes smoothly and maintain a positive relationship with your ex spouse.
Keep Emotions in Check During Property Division and Support Negotiations
Child support, alimony, and asset division negotiation are critical components of any divorce.
Here are some tips to help you navigate these issues peacefully:
Create a Budget: Develop a budget that takes into account your income, expenses, and financial goals. This will help you provide context to your spouse regarding your needs when negotiating support.
Identify Assets and Debts: Make a list of all assets and debts. Knowing what you have and what you owe is essential for keeping property division conversations on track.
Determine the Value of Assets: Agree on the value of all assets before entering negotiations. Accurate valuations are crucial for keeping things peaceful during property division.
Consider Tax Implications: Consider the tax implications of different asset division scenarios. Some assets may have tax consequences that could affect their true value.
Seek Professional Advice: Consider working with a financial advisor or tax professional along with your mediator. Professional partners advice can provide clarity and ensure that you’re making informed decisions.
Key Takeaway: choose to have an amicable divorce
As you just learned, you can avoid having a divorce where you and your spouse hate each other when it's over. Spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on divorce attorneys or litigation in family court. And scar your kids for life.
There's no question that staying friendly during one of the most stressful and draining times of your life will be difficult.
But it's not impossible.
The way you conduct yourself during your divorce will lay the groundwork for your life afterwards. That's why you're smart to want to end your marriage peacefully and reach an amicable resolution.
And now you know exactly what you can do to make that possible - so you can have the amicable divorce you want and deserve.
