Empty nest divorce occurs when couples find themselves facing marital challenges after their children leave home. When they realize their primary connection was centered on raising children, underlying problems can no longer be overlooked, and result in divorce.
In this article we'll explore:
What is empty nest syndrome;
Surprising statistics on the exploding empty nest divorce rate;
10 reasons why couples separate when they become empty nesters;
3 critical challenges couples need to be aware of and make a plan for;
And how smart couples successfully navigate the significant challenges of this major change, and transition to their new life.
What is Empty Nest Syndrome and how does it lead to divorce?
Empty nest syndrome as defined by the Mayo Clinic, is a complex emotional experience where parents grapple with feelings of grief, loneliness, and loss during the phase when their last child moves out.
Despite these feelings of loneliness, some couples see this phase as an opportunity to set new goals for their relationship, finally take that trip they've always dreamed about, or explore new interests and hobbies together. These couples view the empty nest as a chance to live life and reconnect.
But for other couples, without the daily demands of raising children to distract them, they realize they've grown apart. And no matter what, all they can do is focus on their communication breakdowns and lack of shared hopes and dreams. With empty nest syndrome the final confirmation that their paths have permanently diverged.
Empty nest divorce rate statistics
According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, couples are 40% more likely to divorce after their children leave home. This phenomenon is often referred to as the "empty nest divorce" trend.
The Pew Research Center reported that rates for adults 50 and older ending their marriages have roughly doubled since the 1990s. While this isn't exclusively about empty nesters, it significantly overlaps with couples whose children have moved out.
A National Center for Health Statistics analysis found that approximately 2 in 4 divorces (50%) now occur among couples over 50, with many of these happening after children have left home.
Why do couples divorce when they are empty nesters?
It would appear since the pressures of raising children have been lifted, there'd be more time to connect with your partner, find new hobbies and interests, and enjoy life together instead of calling it quits.
But while that may seem to be the case, there is often far more going on in the relationship, or with the individual person, than meets the eye.
Sometimes the reason has to do with the collective actions of or dynamic between spouses. In these cases, both parties actively or passively played a role in the failed marriage.
While other times it's the behavior or experience of an individual that impacts the relationship and drives the decision to divorce once the nest is empty.
Here are the 10 most common reasons we see for empty nesters to divorce.
10 Reasons couples pursue divorce when they have an empty nest after raising children:
1. An unstable marital foundation:
While we think an empty nest divorce is triggered by the last minor child heading off to college and leaving the marital home, the reality is the marriage may have been in trouble long before that.
Was it a common goal to have kids? Or did one of you desperately want children while the other felt your marriage and relationship was great as-is? And if you had children early in your marriage, did you have time to get to know each other before the chaos of parenting kicked in?
Conflicts regarding the decision to have a family, and the timing of the birth of those children, can create cracks early in the marital foundation. These cracks may go undetected for many years until the youngest leaves home.
2. Too many years of marital neglect:
Life is definitely more hectic than it was for those of us who grew up in the 70s and 80s, and all that running around can take a toll.
Throughout your marriage, did you regularly stay connected and spend time together without the kids? Going on dates, couples vacations, and doing activities - just the two of you? Or was it all kids, all the time, with your focus solely on their interests and priorities?
Spending time scurrying from place to place can cause a slow and consistent decline in a marriage - the kind of communication breakdowns which go unnoticed until the nest is empty.
3. Staying together for the kids:
Kids are often what tethers a couple together. Even after kids leave, no matter if they have underlying issues with each other, the parents may go to marriage counseling to try to make things work for the sake of their kids. Or worse, ignore their problems to not disrupt their younger children's life with their parents' divorce.
Unfortunately, those problems never go away. And giving up on a marriage without ending it can compound the sadness and marital friction that already exists.
4. Differing attitudes about the empty nest:
Do you both view your newfound independence with a sense of joy and hope? Excited for the opportunity to create new shared goals, re-focus priorities, and pursue those interests you always talked about?
Or is one of you planning that exotic vacation you always talked about, while the other sits on your child's bed, sulking until they come home for winter break, and spring break, and…
Differing attitudes about the empty nest syndrome and prospects for the couple's next chapter in life, combined with the bereaved spouse feeling like there is a lack of emotional support from their husband and/or wife, can contribute to marital dissatisfaction.
5. Not letting go:
It's a fact of life that children grow up, and letting them go can be a struggle – especially when they're so far from home.
But if one of you feels at ease, knowing you raised your kids to be responsible and independent young adults, while the other still feels the need to check up on their every move, this conflict of values can drive a wedge between spouses.
6. Loss of identity:
When some couples decide to have a family, they agree that one will continue their career, while the other will stay home and raise the kids.
Each spouse plays an important role in the growth and success of the family unit. And oftentimes, each individual's identity and sense of purpose is tied directly to their “job.” One whose focus is the primary breadwinner and the other as the primary caregiver.
But when the day comes that the youngest goes off to college, things change significantly for the parent whose primary role it was to raise the children.
For the breadwinner, the meetings, conference calls, and work trips continue, with no major changes to their routine. But for the stay-at-home mom or dad, life as they know it has come to an end. Leaving them with a serious sadness, loss of identity, and a tremendous void in their life.
7. Biological and physiological aging-related changes:
Youth and happiness is the fuel that keeps their engines running, and the tank is always full! But in mid-life, age-related changes may make the needle feel like it's on empty.
For men, a drop in testosterone can impact everything from energy level to sex drive, and for women, menopause and related hormonal changes can do the same.
For some couples, one partner may struggle with the impacts of age-related changes to a larger degree than the other. And those changes in physical health and desire can contribute to friction in the marriage.
8. Loss of employment:
There's a saying that goes, “A life well-lived is a life lived with purpose,” and for some, that purpose is their work. But if that sense of self and purpose is taken away involuntarily through a lay-off or forced retirement, it can alter an individual's sense of self, and irreparably alter communication and the relationship dynamic in a negative way.
Since these types of “downsizing” events typically affect workers in their mid to late-50s, chances are that individual has (or is about to have) an empty nest.
With no job to go to, and no children at home to attend to, a spouse can lose their sense of purpose in the marriage, which can lead to depression, and/or divorce.
9. Conflict over continuing caregiving responsibilities:
You and your spouse knew that by having children, you would be spending 18 years of your marriage raising your kids. You also believed that once the kids were grown, you could finally have the freedom to travel the world, live life, and do all the things you dreamt about doing as a couple.
But many children are boomeranging back for financial reasons - or are unable to fully leave the nest in the first place.
Humans are also living longer these days. In fact, since 1950, there has been a significant uptick in life expectancy in developed nations – increasing from an average of around 65 years to nearly 80 years today.
As a result, more and more middle-aged couples are finding themselves in the sandwich generation – financially and emotionally supporting elderly parents, and their adult children – indefinitely.
When this happens, one spouse may be bitter that this situation is preventing them from living their shared goals and dreams, and project that resentment onto their partner (especially if the elderly parents in question are their in-laws).
10. Too much time on their/my hands:
While many of the parents we talk to enjoy the track meets, parent-teacher conferences, and friendships they've developed with the parents of their children's friends – at their core they know something is missing in their marital relationship, but they're just too busy to focus on it.
Once the kids are grown and their parenting work is completed, the level of parental activity subsides, many couples find those social ties are broken, and wind up with a lot of extra time on their hands.
Time to come to the realization they haven't truly been happily married for many years.
3 Critical empty nest divorce challenges:
Challenge #1: The nest may not remain empty
Let's say your child's university offers classes in two, 15-week semesters. Since there are 52 weeks in a year, and kids are only in school for 30 of them, your college scholar(s) are going to need a home to return to.
Add to the mix that these days kids tend to boomerang back home - even after graduation, and suddenly the decision to keep or sell the house can take on an outsized significance.
But how will you know if keeping or selling the former marital residence is the right way to go?
If you decide to keep it, who will live there?
And how can the two of you afford to make that happen since two homes are more expensive to run than one and the other person also needs a fair amount of money to secure their own place to live?
Challenge #2: With great reward comes great risk
As an empty nester, chances are you're in your mid-50s and have been married for at least 20 years.
If you worked outside the home throughout the marriage, you're most likely in your peak earning years as an employee or business owner.
And while your earnings are perhaps the highest they've ever been, your risk of being replaced by someone younger and cheaper is also at an all-time high! Not to mention, you're closer to retiring than you were in your 20s, 30s, or 40s…
On the other hand, if you worked inside the home throughout the marriage, it's most likely too late to catch up to your soon-to-be ex-husband's or wife's earnings. And since you'll be extremely reliant on alimony, you also have a lot at stake if your ex loses their job due to ageism.
So you're both in a precarious position!
But you're getting a divorce now, and need to make decisions based on your current financial situation. How do you account for the future should something change?
And given the duration of your marriage, if alimony is applicable, chances are the duration will be more than a year or two and may even stretch past normal retirement age. How do you handle that?
Challenge #3: You're wealthy “on paper”
If you're an empty nester who owns a home and/or has been investing in your 401k for the past 30 years, chances are your financial picture is looking pretty solid. On paper.
Rising stock markets and housing markets have a way of making us feel wealthy. But since a house isn't liquid until you sell it, and you're not yet 59 and the all-important “half,” you don't have assets you can tap into right away. Leaving each of you with a substantial need for cash.
But what if you don't want to sell the house right away in case the kids want to come back home on break or after they graduate? What are you going to do then?
Sure, there may be some form of support paid from one party to the other, but the pool of income will remain the same - even though two households are more expensive to run than one.
What do you both do to make sure you can each live within your means, while not making any financial moves that will result in unintended tax consequences or penalties?
How do smart couples successfully navigate the significant challenges of an empty nest divorce?
These subjects only scratch the surface. Because there are many other critical issues surrounding a divorce after 20 years of marriage as well as gray divorce.
But hopefully, you can see how issues facing older couples in longer-term marriages are a lot more complex than those of younger couples married for a shorter duration.
That's why we believe the right choice is to work with an expert divorce mediator.
Between paying for your kids' college education and retirement being closer than you'd like to admit, you want to work together to ensure you each have the resources you need to move on with the next, new chapter, in your soon-to-be separate lives.
Does this sound like you?
If so, don't leave your future in the hands of family law attorneys and waste up to $200,000 and 3 years of your life arguing as enemies, only to be forced to accept an agreement imposed on you by a family law judge and that neither of you finds fair.
Instead, choose to mediate and preserve your time and money while working cooperatively as adults to reach an agreement that's fair, thorough, and resolves both current and known/potential future issues as circumstances change.
Key Takeaways
Empty nest divorce is a significant phenomenon, with couples 40% more likely to divorce after their children leave home.
Many couples realize they've grown apart when the daily demands of parenting no longer mask underlying marital issues.
Reasons for empty nest divorce include prolonged marital neglect, staying together solely for children, and differing attitudes about the next life stage.
Loss of identity, particularly for stay-at-home parents, can be a critical factor in triggering divorce during this transition.
Biological changes, job loss, and continuing caregiving responsibilities can create unexpected stress on marriages.
Financial challenges are complex for older couples divorcing, including considerations about housing, alimony, and retirement planning.
The "sandwich generation" faces unique pressures, often simultaneously supporting adult children and elderly parents.
Working with a divorce mediator can help couples navigate this challenging transition more cooperatively and cost-effectively.
While an empty nest divorce can be challenging, it also presents an opportunity for personal growth, renewed self-discovery, and the potential to create more authentic, fulfilling lives for both partners.
