How to Cope With Divorce: an Emotional Healing Plan from a Certified Coach

Tip #1: Embrace the grieving process

Divorce is a significant loss, and it’s crucial to allow yourself to grieve:

• Give yourself permission to feel a range of emotions: sadness, anger, fear, and even relief. These feelings are normal and part of the healing process.
• Set aside dedicated time each day to process these feelings. Try the “20-minute rule”: Spend 20 minutes journaling, reflecting, or talking about your divorce. After that, consciously shift your focus to other aspects of your life.
• Use healthy outlets for your emotions. This could be exercise, art, music, or talking with a trusted friend.

Remember: It’s okay to cry, scream, or sit in silence. Your feelings are valid and acknowledging them is a step towards healing. Be patient with yourself. Grief isn’t linear, and you may have good days and bad days. This is normal and part of the process.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” – Vicki Harrison

Tip #2: Prioritize self-care

During turbulent times, self-care isn’t selfish – it’s essential for your well-being and recovery:

Physical care:

• Exercise regularly, even if it’s just a 20-minute walk each day. Physical activity releases endorphins, which can help improve your mood.
• Eat nutritious meals. It’s tempting to indulge in comfort food, but maintaining a balanced diet will help you feel better in the long run.
• Ensure adequate sleep. Establish a bedtime routine and aim for 7-9 hours of sleep per night.
• Schedule regular check-ups with your doctor to monitor your health during this stressful time.

Emotional care:

• Practice mindfulness or meditation. Apps like Headspace or Calm can guide you through short daily sessions.
• Try yoga or tai chi, which combine physical movement with mindfulness.
• Keep a gratitude journal. Each day, write down three things you’re grateful for, no matter how small.

Mental care:

• Engage in activities that stimulate your mind and bring joy. This could be reading, puzzles, learning a new language, or taking up a new hobby.
• Limit exposure to negative influences, including excessive social media use or news consumption.
• Consider learning a new skill or taking a class. This can boost your confidence and provide a sense of accomplishment.

Spiritual care:

If you’re inclined, lean into your faith or explore spiritual practices. This could involve attending religious services, practicing personal prayer or meditation, or exploring nature. Even if you’re not religious, connecting with something larger than yourself can provide comfort and perspective.

Remember the airplane oxygen mask analogy: You need to take care of yourself first to be able to help others effectively, especially if you have children depending on you.

Tip#3: Build your support network

Don’t navigate this journey alone. A strong support network can provide emotional comfort, practical help, and different perspectives:

• Lean on trusted friends and family members:

Be honest about what you need, whether it’s a listening ear, help with childcare, or assistance with household tasks. Don’t be afraid to reach out, even if you haven’t been in close contact recently. True friends will want to support you.

• Consider joining a divorce support group:

Look for local groups through community centers, religious organizations, or online platforms. Sharing experiences with others going through similar situations can be incredibly validating and helpful.

• Seek professional help:

A therapist or counselor can provide unbiased support and tools to cope with your emotions. Consider a specialized divorce coach who can guide you through both emotional and practical aspects of divorce.

• Be open to accepting help when it’s offered:

Create a list of tasks you need help with, so when someone offers, you have specific ways they can assist. Remember, allowing others to help you is a gift to them as well. It allows them to show their care for you.

• Build new connections:

Join clubs or groups related to your interests. This can help you expand your social circle and find joy in shared activities.

Consider volunteering. Helping others can provide a sense of purpose and perspective during difficult times.

Tip #4: Focus on personal growth

View this transition as an opportunity for self-discovery and growth:

• Rediscover old hobbies or explore new interests:

Make a list of activities you’ve always wanted to try but never had the time for. Set aside time each week to engage in these activities, even if it’s just for a short period.

• Set personal goals unrelated to your divorce:

These could be fitness goals, career aspirations, or personal development objectives. Break these goals down into small, achievable steps to maintain motivation.

• Consider taking classes or learning new skills:

Look into local community college courses or online learning platforms like Coursera or Udemy. Learning something new can boost your confidence and open up new opportunities.

• Use this time to reconnect with your core values and aspirations:

Reflect on what truly matters to you and what you want your life to look like moving forward. Create a vision board or write a personal mission statement to guide your future decisions.

• Practice self-reflection:

Consider journaling or working with a therapist to understand your role in the marriage and what you’ve learned from the experience. Use these insights to grow and make positive changes for your future relationships.

Tip #5: Practice mindfulness and acceptance

Staying grounded in the present moment can help manage anxiety about the future and regrets about the past:

• Accept that the divorce process takes time:

Understand that healing is not linear. You’ll have good days and bad days. Set realistic expectations for yourself and the process. Focus on what you can control and let go of what you can’t. Make a list of things within your control (your actions, responses, self-care) and things outside your control (your ex’s behavior, legal processes). Concentrate your energy on the items within your control.

• Practice gratitude daily, even for small things:

Each day, write down three things you’re grateful for, no matter how small. This practice can help shift your focus from what you’ve lost to what you still have.

• Use mindfulness techniques:

Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique: Identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Practice deep breathing exercises when you feel overwhelmed.

Use the Serenity Prayer as a mantra. Even if you’re not religious, this principle can be a powerful tool for maintaining perspective:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Tip #6: Navigate co-parenting (if applicable)

If you have children, prioritizing their well-being while managing your own emotions can be challenging but crucial:

Keep communication with your ex-spouse civil and child-focused:

• Use a co-parenting app or shared calendar to manage schedules and communication.
• Stick to discussing matters related to the children, avoiding personal conflicts.
• Maintain consistent routines for your children. Try to keep schedules, rules, and expectations similar between households.
• Create a co-parenting plan that outlines how you’ll handle holidays, school events, and other important occasions.

Avoid speaking negatively about your ex in front of the kids:

• Remember that your children love both parents. Negative talk can be harmful to their emotional well-being.
• If you need to vent, do so with a therapist or trusted friend, not your children.

Seek professional help if co-parenting proves challenging:

• A family therapist, divorce mediator, or parenting coach can help you and your ex develop effective co-parenting strategies.
• Consider taking a co-parenting class to learn best practices and communication skills.

Support your children’s emotional needs:

• Encourage open communication with your children about their feelings.
• Consider arranging counseling for your children to help them process the divorce.

Tip #7: Make informed decisions

• Approach the practical aspects of divorce thoughtfully to avoid regrets later.
• Educate yourself about the divorce process.
• Research divorce laws in your state.

Consider alternative dispute resolution methods:

Look into mediation or collaborative divorce as alternatives to litigation. These methods can often be less adversarial and more cost-effective.

Take your time with important decisions:

Avoid making major life changes (like moving or changing jobs) immediately if possible. For important decisions, use the “sleep on it” rule. Wait at least 24 hours before finalizing any big choices.

Consult with professionals:

• Consider working with a mediator to help facilitate discussions and agreements between you and your ex-spouse in a neutral, non-adversarial environment.
• Consult with your financial advisor or CPA. They can provide valuable insights into tax consequences and financial planning.
• Consider working with a divorce coach who can help you navigate both the emotional and practical aspects of divorce. They can provide support, help you set goals, and assist in developing strategies to cope with challenges throughout the process.
• If your situation is particularly complex or problematic, consider consulting with a lawyer to understand your legal rights and options. This might be necessary in cases involving abuse, contentious custody disputes, or other complicated legal issues.

Organize your finances:

• Create a post-divorce budget to understand your new financial reality.
• Review and update important documents like your will, insurance policies, and beneficiary designations.

Tip #8: Look to the future

While honoring your past, start envisioning and planning for your future:

Create a vision board for your post-divorce life:

• Use images, words, and quotes that represent your goals and aspirations.
• Place it somewhere you’ll see it daily as a reminder of what you’re working towards.

Set both short-term and long-term goals:

• Short-term goals might include finding a new place to live or establishing a new routine.
• Long-term goals could involve career changes, travel plans, or personal development objectives.

Write these goals down and create action plans to achieve them.

Be open to new relationships when you’re ready, but don’t rush:

• Take time to heal and rediscover yourself before jumping into a new relationship.
• When you do feel ready, take things slowly and be clear about your needs and boundaries.

Explore new experiences:

• Make a bucket list of things you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had the chance to.
• Start checking items off your list, even if it’s just one small thing at a time.

Focus on building your new identity:

• Reflect on who you want to be in this new chapter of your life.
• Take steps to align your actions with this new vision of yourself.

“Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love.” – Jennifer Weiner

Remember, coping with divorce is a process, not a destination. Be patient with yourself, celebrate small victories, and understand that healing takes time. With the right mindset, support, and strategies, you can navigate this challenging transition and emerge stronger, wiser, and ready for the next chapter of your life.

Your divorce does not define you – it’s merely a chapter in your story. The pen is in your hand to write the next chapters, filled with growth, new experiences, and renewed happiness.