Specific Challenges Dave and Jennifer Faced:
As the primary breadwinner, Dave's career required frequent relocations throughout their marriage, which strained his relationships with Jennifer and their children.
Jennifer played the role of world-traveling wife, but had grown tired of moving every few years.
She wanted to establish a permanent residence for the family.
Jennifer loved their Bedminster home and wished to stay there until, at minimum, Lexie graduated from college. However, she was unsure how she'd afford the home on her own or be able to refinance it solely in her name.
Having been out of the workforce for so long, she was also uncertain about her job prospects and earnings potential.
Step One: Look For the Issue Behind the Issue
Despite constant communication, sometimes spouses simply don’t “hear” each other. I knew getting Jennifer and Dave to understand each other’s perspective in a non-judgmental and supportive environment was key to moving them forward.
So before diving into negotiations, I asked Dave and Jennifer to share their main concerns using "I" statements, expressing what kept them up at night and what they wished the other recognized.
Dave, who grew up in a military family, shared that frequent moves were normal for him. He learned early not to become attached to places or people, a feeling he maintained throughout their marriage.
He also expressed feeling immense pressure as the primary earner and felt underappreciated by Jennifer and the children, believing they didn't fully value the lifestyle his hard work provided them.
Jennifer expressed that she felt Dave didn't understand how difficult the frequent moves were for her and the kids, especially since growing up, her family never moved around. In fact, to this day, her parents still lived in her childhood home.
The relocations also made it impossible for her to establish a career.
She also believed Dave didn't acknowledge her non-financial contributions to the family, which allowed his career to flourish at the expense of hers. And worried that the divorce settlement wouldn't provide enough support, leaving her potentially homeless.
For the first time in years, they were hearing each other's honest perspectives instead of arguing about what the other did or didn't do.
Which cleared the path to problem solving.
Step Two: Develop Interest-Based Solutions
Once Dave and Jennifer could see things from the other's viewpoint, I led them through an “interest-based” negotiation.
An interest-based negotiation is one in which thoughtful dialogue and questioning reveals each party’s underlying wants and needs in order for solutions to be crafted that meet the needs of both parties.
We discovered that Dave wanted to retire after Lexie graduated college and continue traveling the world.
While Jennifer wanted to stay in their home until Lexie finished college, and establish an accounting career, with no interest in early retirement.
To help them realize their interests, I worked to identify their zone of agreement.
Dave wanted early retirement, while Jennifer wanted to stay in the home, but couldn't afford it alone.
By combining these interests, a support agreement was negotiated where Dave would pay a higher amount of support to Jennifer and the kids, for a shorter period of time.
This arrangement would allow Dave to achieve his goal of retiring early while providing Jennifer with enough support to remain in the home until Lexie finished college, regardless of her employment status. It would also give her time to build her career without immediate pressure.
Next, I projected a series of income brackets detailing monthly child and spousal support amounts based on potential future incomes, accounting for possible increases in either Dave's or Jennifer's earnings over the term of their support agreement. And provided them with a detailed methodology for negotiating changes to support due to future increases in the cost of living.
Regarding the home, since Dave had no interest in purchasing another residence until retirement, a framework was crafted which had him remaining on the mortgage. This arrangement prevented Jennifer from having to worry about refinancing – which she wasn’t sure she would be able to do – and lose their preferential interest rate of 3.25%. Dave also agreed to delay receiving his share of the accumulated home equity.
In exchange, Jennifer agreed to maintain the home, make timely mortgage payments, and either sell the home or refinance it solely in her name within eight years of the divorce, or upon her remarriage - whichever came first. At that time, she would provide Dave with 50% of the net sale proceeds, allowing him to benefit from the mortgage principal reduction and any positive market forces increasing the home's value.
