Bird nesting divorce co parenting arrangements are more popular than ever with my mediation clients. Between the significant inflation affecting the goods and service they buy, coupled with the rising cost of housing and mortgage interest rates, family nesting has become the go to living situation for many of my divorcing couples.
But bird's nest custody arrangements are about more than just money. For many of the divorcing parents I work with, keeping the kids in the family home is the main driver. And with good reason. For some kids, the marital residence may be the only home they've ever known. And depending on their age, a change in residence may not be ideal, or something they can easily handle.
As a parent going through a divorce, maybe you feel keeping your kids in the marital home is in your child's best interest because it will provide some stability during this time of intense transition. So you think a bird nesting divorce plan may be the way to go.
But while finances and the mental health of your children can play a role in determining if bird nesting will work in your case, there are many other issues that require some thought. In this article we'll explore the pros, cons, and watchouts you need to be aware of to decide if nesting can work for you, your kids, and your family.
Bird nesting divorce: The basics
Birdnesting divorce plans can work in the right divorce situation. But in order for them to do so, you and your spouse need to be on the same page about a lot of things. And one of them is how a birdnesting arrangement works. Because there are different options as you'll soon find out!
What is nesting in divorce?
Nesting in divorce is a type of co-parenting custody arrangement whereby divorced or separated parents keep the marital family home and the children remain there 100% of the time.
Most commonly, the divorcing couple then rents a one-bedroom apartment or other additional space for the two parents to share after they're divorced and it's not their parenting time. But it is also possible for parents to own or rent two properties in addition to their family home. Or spend time with family or friends when it's not their turn to parent.
How does nesting work for divorced parents?
When it's Parent A's time with the children, they move into the family home and Parent B lives in the rented space until it's their parenting time with the children.
When it's time for Parent B to be with the kids, they move into the family home and Parent A now stays in the rented space.
While the children stay in the family home, each divorced parent rotates in and out during their parenting time and the pattern continues for as long as the parties have agreed to do so.
Nesting is different than living together after divorce.
But nesting in divorce is about more than just parenting responsibilities
Birdnesting plans by themselves are not a substitute for a parenting plan or time sharing arrangement. Even if you and your spouse are rotating in and out of your former marital home, and co parenting in the same house, you still need a parenting plan.
For example, you will still need to determine after you're divorced which one of you will be in the house on which days, weekends and holidays. I can tell you from experience that just "winging it" doesn't work as chances are, you'll fall back into old patterns where whomever was the primary caregiver to the children, once again takes on that role. Which not only can build resentment, but may be one of the reasons you got divorced in the first place!
In addition, you'll need to make decisions, and come to agreement on important issues such as: how long your nesting plan will last, how do you effectively communicate while living together, who will pay what share of which expenses, and how will child support and alimony work, among many other things.
An experienced divorce mediator can help you and your spouse negotiate and resolve all of these issues and more.
Nesting divorce pros and cons
There are a number of potential advantages to birdnesting plans. Let's break them down into financial, emotional, and tactical.
Financial reasons pros
Potentially lower housing expenses
Maintaining the marital home and simply renting a small apartment may reduce your post-marital living costs. As the cost to establish two separate residences typically represent the single largest expense each of you will incur post-divorce.
Optimizing profit and cash flow
As anyone who has bought a home or rented an apartment knows, housing markets can be irrational. And the timing for buying, selling, or renting a new place, may not be ideal at the time you need it to be.
What if you were counting on making a significant profit from the sale of the former marital residence to use as a down payment on a new place but the market is in a tailspin? Or rents are out of control due to an increase in demand?
Making such a life-altering decision in the throes of divorce may have unintended financial consequences. And if you're not thinking clearly can hurt you financially in both the short and the long run.
The housing market may also be down at the time you're getting a divorce so selling right away may not be in either or your financial best interests.
Improving the ability to refinance
And if one of you wants to keep the home but needs to refinance it into your name only, your lender may require a period after your divorce you're receiving alimony to count it towards your income requirements.
Emotional reasons pros
Adolescent mental health
As a parent, your concern first and foremost is the well-being of your children which can be a main driver for considering a nesting arrangement.
Younger children tend to take moving a bit easier than older children. They see it as, "I get two rooms and get to pick out two sets of sheets and have two sets of toys - one at Mom's house and one at Dad's house."
On the flip side, teenagers may resent the fact that you're taking attention away from them with your divorce and away from their friends. Keeping them in the marital home and having their friends see both their parents around from time to time may not embarrass them as much after you're divorced.
More time to let go
The marital residence is more than four walls and roof. It's a lifetime of memories. And maybe you're simply not ready to go. Being able to live in the marital home for even a part of the time may also satisfy an emotional need you have as an adult.
Tactical reasons pros
Household chores
When parents divorce, and establish separate homes, naturally 100% of parenting responsibilities fall to the "one parent" who has the children living with them. And for some parents, having to be solely responsible for both the children, and keeping the house is working order, can be too much immediately after divorce.
Having someone to share household chores with, can ease the burden the separation process can bring to single parents.
A national emergency
Never did any of us think the world would shut down like it did during the pandemic. And while we all hope to never experience something like that again, it's a scary world out there. And the possibility of something like that happening again is real.
Co parenting in the same home can certainly ease the worry of such a national emergency if you and your ex husband or ex wife are nesting.
Financial reasons cons
Commingled finances
When you sell the marital home and each go your separate ways, it's a clean break. But when you still co-own and live in the marital home post-divorce, that line is completely blurred. Simple issues like who pays the electric bill can turn into arguments.
And if there's a major issue like you need a new roof or appliance repair, you won't have joint funds to take from and will each need to fund it on your own.
This may lead to a conversation revolving around "why should I pay a portion of the roof repair if you're going to buy the house out from me when the nesting arrangement is over?" One party may be making a financial investment in a property they won't get a benefit from.
Tax consequences
Then there's the tax consequences. Who gets to deduct the mortgage interest and real estate taxes on their 1040? Assuming you'll be filing separately and each be paying some portion to keep up the home, how do you divvy up these items? Same goes for child exemptions / deductions.
Child support complications
Then there's the issue of child support. How is child support calculated if both parents are still technically living together? Who gets it and who pays it? Is it paid at all?
The kids are going to still cost you money, but how do each of you share in their ordinary and extraordinary expenses is a main sticking point for couples considering nesting.
Secondary residence expenses
What about that other residence? Who pays for that and how are shared expenses handled? Do you each label your milk and food in the fridge so the other doesn't eat it?
And if you both sign the lease and share in the rent payment but one of you doesn't pay, will the other parent get stuck paying it so their credit isn't damaged?
Emotional cons
Ability to communicate effectively
One of the main reasons people get divorced is the ability to communicate effectively. If that was the case for you and your ex, chances are it led to some epic arguments.
Consider strongly your living arrangements and ability to peacefully coexist as the emotional toll it might take on you may be too great to do the whole birdnesting divorce thing.
Painful memories
How will you feel when walking around the place knowing that you aren't sharing the home as husband and wife or co parents?
It's not uncommon once divorced parents split to want to sell the former marital residence, and all the household items in it, to get a clean break. As keeping it, and anything in it, is simply too painful.
Privacy
What happens to the items you left in your shared space while you're not there?
For some divorcing couples, trust is a big issue. And not knowing if you can trust your ex partner in your shared space while you take turns living in the former marital residence can create stress and lead to arguments.
Don't forget about the young people
Recently I had a mediation client couple who was 100% sure they wanted a birdnesting arrangement. They had the schedule all set, the financial and tactical issues all resolved, and they were ready to go. Feeling strongly it was best for the children's well being and that of the family. All they had to do was share the plan with their teenagers.
Now, I'm no professional in adolescent psychiatry, but the reaction mom and dad got from the children on their proposed living arrangement was unexpected to say the least. Rather than their youngest son being able to graduate high school, and their daughter graduate college, while both continuing to live in their childhood home, the plan was a non-starter.
Turns out the children were not on board with nesting, did not think it was best for their well being (or their family) and instead insisted mom and dad establish their own separate lives as they were tired of the tension and arguments.
So while you might think co parenting your children in a nesting arrangement is ideal, if you've got teenagers, you may want to check in with them as well as their answer may surprise you.
Tactical cons
Creating and adhering to ground rules
Given that you're sharing the marital home and rotating in and out, there's a lot of places where things can go wrong. From something as simple as which one of the "bird parents" gets to sleep in the primary bedroom, to who does the food shopping, cleaning, and laundry.
It's not uncommon for couple's to put together a set of ground rules that outlines all of this. But what happens if one of you doesn't stick to them?
Dealing with new partners
Once you're divorced, you each may want to (eventually) spend quality time with a new partner. Can you do that in the main residence?
On one hand, you don't want to prevent each other from moving on with you lives, but on the other hand, what will that do to the kids?
Terminating co parenting arrangements
Nesting plans come with their own unique challenges. And those challenges can evolve over time. For example, what happens when one of you finds a new relationship and the new paramour isn't too crazy about you sharing a space with your ex.
You can explain all you want to them about your co parenting responsibilities, but is that really going to make them comfortable starting a new relationship with you. No matter what ground rules you and your now ex have between you?
Be sure to discuss upfront what happens when one of you no longer wants to continue this arrangement and have a regular check in to see how things are going with your children, your co parenting, and the relationship between the two of you.
Working with an experienced divorce mediator can be the key to successfully implementing a bird nesting arrangement.
A skilled mediator can help you:
Navigate complex emotional and practical challenges
Facilitate productive conversations between you and your ex partner
Develop a comprehensive and flexible parenting plan
Ensure the best interests of your children are at the forefront of all decisions unlike divorce lawyers who only stoke fear and division
Remember, every family is unique. Bird nesting isn't a one size fits all solution, but with careful planning, open communication, and a commitment to your children's wellbeing, it can be a compassionate approach to co parenting during and after divorce.
Bird nesting divorce arrangements do's and don'ts
Do:
Prioritize your children's emotional wellbeing and stability during the divorce process
Maintain open and effective communication with your ex partner
Create a detailed, comprehensive parenting plan that outlines responsibilities, schedules, and financial arrangements
Involve your children in the decision making process, especially if they are teenagers
Establish clear ground rules for sharing the family home and rotating in and out
Consider the financial implications carefully, including housing costs and potential tax consequences
Don't:
Don't assume bird nesting is the right solution without thorough discussion and planning
Avoid overlooking the emotional challenges of continuing to share living spaces
Don't neglect to address privacy concerns and boundaries
Avoid making unilateral decisions without consulting all family members
Don't ignore potential complications with new partners or future relationships
Action items when considering bird nesting:
Self assessment
Evaluate your communication skills with your ex partner
Honestly assess your ability to peacefully coexist and share spaces
Discuss the potential arrangement openly with your children
Financial planning
Calculate the costs of maintaining the family home and a secondary residence
Consult with a CPA about tax implications
Develop a clear plan for shared expenses
Logistical preparation
Create a detailed schedule for parenting time and home rotation
Establish ground rules for home maintenance, personal belongings, and shared spaces
Develop a communication strategy for coparenting and addressing potential conflicts
Emotional readiness
Consider individual and family counseling to support the transition
Discuss how new relationships will be managed within the nesting arrangement
Plan regular check-ins to assess the arrangement's effectiveness
