While the overall divorce rate has flattened for most age groups, there is one segment of the population where divorce rates are actually increasing - Americans getting divorced at 60+. A phenomenon known as gray divorce.
Certainly, divorce is difficult no matter how long you've been married or how old you are. But if you're getting a divorce in your 60s, there's a whole lot more you need to know - and watch out for. As a divorce mediator specializing in gray divorce, I've helped hundreds of couples navigate this transition with dignity and mutual respect.
And while there are a million things that could be the reason a marriage ends, drawing from my many years there are 8 common themes that arise which I'll share below. I'll also share 9 critical issues that can have a significant impact on your divorce so you can negotiate your agreement with confidence. And 3 reasons why I believe mediation is your best option for a divorce after a long term marriage.
What is a gray divorce?
When the term was first coined, it referred to men and women who divorced after 40 years or more of marriage. The assumption was that anyone married for that long must be an older adult "starting to gray," hence the name.
But these days, it's more commonly used to refer to the increased divorce rate among baby boomers, separating after 30 years of marriage.
So why the divorce increase in this segment of the population?
8 reasons a marriage ends after 30 years
Reason #1: "We've simply grown apart."
Some couples can pinpoint the exact cause of the demise of the marriage.
But in a divorce after 30 years, there is often no infidelity and no major blowout that led to the decision to get divorced. Instead, the spouses have simply grown apart over time.
They have an adult child or their youngest goes off to college (aka "empty nest syndrome.")
You've spent the better part of your marriage raising kids and now you've found yourself without the children to focus on. Suddenly you find yourself uncomfortable being around this person you no longer know. Which leads to an empty nesters divorce.
Retirement is also a contributing factor to couple's growing apart.
When a couple is working and/or raising kids, they're busy. Perhaps so busy that they don't notice they are growing farther apart with each passing year. But now that one or both have retired, they have a lot more time on their hands and again, realize they no longer know (or like) their husband or wife.
Reason #2: Age
Aging stinks. But being around someone who acts old can make us feel old.
So for some, when they see their husband or wife aging (or repeatedly hear them complaining and being negative), it can be an unwelcome reminder that they're getting older, too.
So perhaps they think if they got divorced for someone younger, it will reverse time for them as well.
Reason #3: Self-improvement and personal growth
After so many years of looking, dressing, or feeling the same way, some people want to make changes to the way they are living their life (lose weight, exercise, improve their appearance).
But to do that, they need a spark lit under them to get them motivated to make their desired changes.
Sometimes people think meeting or pursuing someone new will make them try harder in life, lose weight, dress better, etc. and help them achieve the changes they seek.
Reason #4: Money and spending habits
When couples are in their prime earning years, a lot of financial missteps can be overlooked. Because the money keeps flowing in, the bills somehow get "taken care of" and the overspending spouse is ignorant of the couple's precarious financial situation.
But once the income stream stops and the couple is forced to live on a fixed income, pension plan, or other retirement benefits, it can be quite sobering.
Differences in spending habits become abundantly clear. And may lead to one spouse wanting to get divorced.
Reason #5: Sex
Just like differences in spending habits, differences in sex drives can also sink a marriage.
As spouses get older, their libidos may differ, sometimes dramatically. This can lead to frustration and ultimately the desire to divorce.
Reason #6: Longer life expectancy
According to data compiled by the Social Security Administration of 2021:
A man reaching age 65 today can expect to live, on average, until age 84.3.
A woman turning age 65 today can expect to live, on average, until age 86.6.
About one out of every four 65-year-olds today will live past age 90.
One out of 10 will live past age 95.
For couples seeking this type of divorce, it's quite possible each spouse could live another 30, 40 even 50 years. So one thinks, "Why spend the time I have left on this earth miserable in an unhappy marriage?"
Reason #7: Undo past regrets
Back in the day, getting married was just as much a function of romance, and it was economic necessity. Many people - perhaps like you - married for the wrong reasons, started a family, and now here you are filled with regret, stuck in a loveless relationship, as you reflect on your life.
You've now decided after all these years that being unhappily married to the wrong person is no longer acceptable to you.
Many of our clients fall into this category and in these cases, it's usually not a surprise that a change in marital status is coming as both spouses have been unhappy for a very long time.
By the time they decide to divorce, the fighting has subsided and they're both in the camp of simply wanting to move forward separately with their lives.
8. Active vs. passive lifestyles
When one of you wants an active retirement and one if you refer to it as "re-tired-ment," you've got a real problem. Because one of you wants to get out there and live it up, and the other has no interest.
Half of the time, the passive party simply wants nothing to do with the divorce. And places the burden of getting a divorce on the active spouse. So if you're the active spouse, be aware that it may be you who needs to drive the divorce.
9 Critical gray divorce issues to watch out for
No matter why you're seeking a divorce later in life, the fact is longer the couple's marriage lasted, the more complex the issues surrounding their divorce will be.
Here are 7 critical gray divorce issues and financial challenges that - if you're not careful - can really derail your divorce:
Issue #1: Determining an amount and duration of alimony
Chances are the person paying alimony is late in their career. And their compensation is far more complex than when they first started out.
So when determining an amount of alimony in a long-term marriage, the total compensation received needs to be taken into account. Not just their base salary.
Plus, when getting a divorce at 60, you're only a few short years from retirement. And that income will significantly change. So the duration of support may be far shorter for older couples than younger ones. Despite what you've read on the Internet.
This is where negotiating property division and Social Security benefits becomes especially important.
Issue #2: Determining the value of premarital assets like retirement plans or proving separate property vs. marital property
In New Jersey, Illinois, Pennsylvania, New York, and 37 other states, dividing a couple's marital assets and liabilities falls under the concept of equitable distribution. While in California, Washington, and seven others, the concepts of community property are applied.
Say you live in an equitable distribution state, you're 63, got married at 36, and have this 401(k) retirement plan that you've been contributing to since you were 25. Do you really have the statements from the day you got married to know what its pre-marital value is?
Or you live in a community property state and have owned a baseball card collection from before you were married which has appreciated significantly over the years. Can you prove this is separate property and shouldn't be included in your property division?
Because you could be giving away pre-marital property or separate assets your soon-to-be ex-spouse is not entitled to.
Issue #3: Inheritances
Inheritances are considered "separate property" and are typically not subject to distribution in a divorce. But they can most certainly have a tremendous impact on your divorce settlement and finances.
One way is if they're co-mingled. That can be done in many ways far too numerous to get into here. A second way is how an inheritance impacts the division of your marital assets and liabilities.
For example, let's say the division of your assets and liabilities turns out to be 50-50. With each of you receiving half of the retirement assets. But your husband or wife inherited a $500,000 lump sum from their now-deceased parents. So was your distribution really 50-50?
On one hand, the assets subject to distribution were split equally. But the reality is your total asset pool is not 50-50. And does income earned from investing that inheritance count towards a person's ability to pay or receive alimony?
As you can see, gray divorce issues for an older couple can get quite complex. But inheritances should not be forgotten about in divorce negotiations.
Issue #4: Social Security
You may have heard that when spouses in long-term marriages divorce, one party can collect Social Security off of the other party's earnings. And while this is somewhat true, there are requirements and limitations.
So when negotiating alimony in a silver divorce, don't forget about the difference in your potential benefits. Income equalization in a technique I use in mediation to help couples close to retirement, balance their future incomes. And share in the other's monthly benefit for some period of time.
Issue #5: Life insurance
Most people don't know this, but anyone paying alimony is required to have life insurance in an amount and for a term equal to the amount and duration of alimony agreed to in their divorce decree.
So now you're 60 and your term life policy is about to expire. Well, guess what? You need to get a new policy with a death benefit and duration to cover your alimony obligation. Which may prove quite costly.
And that's a fair point.
The good news is there are other ways to address it using techniques like alimony buyouts or set asides in an estate plan.
Issue #6: Difficulty dividing pension plans or other retirement accounts
While many companies are moving towards self-directed retirement accounts like 401(k)s, state and local governments still offer pension plans to their employees.
A pension is a promise made by an employer to provide an employee a monthly payment (typically) until they pass away.
For corporate plans, it's a bit more straightforward. Do a PV calculation, determine the Coverture Fraction, get a QDRO, and a separate interest can be created and the benefit shared between the parties.
But when it comes to government plans, it's not nearly as straightforward. So if your husband or wife was a civil servant or government employee, be aware that it may not be as easy to value and share a pension as it would be if they worked in a corporation.
Issue #7: College and extraordinary child support
Maybe you're one of the fortunate few who've managed to put away a certain amount to fund their children's college education(s).
If you're getting a divorce at 60+, you may be right at that spot where you're kids are either still in college, grad school, or have even boomeranged home.
Plus, you may still be paying child support for extraordinary expenses like car insurance, cell phone plans, and travel back and forth from school. And your ability to retire may be further away than you'd like it to be.
Issue #8: What to do with the house?
For the most part, a marital home is the most valuable asset a couple getting divorced after 30 years has. But it's not necessarily easy to divide.
If one spouse wants to keep it, they'll need to buy the other one out. Which may provide difficult. Especially if you need to get a mortgage.
And if you sell it, where will you both live? Divorce is one of the biggest life changes. And now you'll have to move too?
Depending on your circumstances, there are ways to keep the house without having to re-fi right away.
Issue #9: Health insurance
In the US, most of us get our health insurance from our employer. And if you've spent your life working inside the home raising children, chances are you don't have coverage of your own.
When getting a divorce at 60, premiums will be costly. So be sure to investigate the cost before you enter alimony negotiations. Look into both COBRA as well as the insurance marketplace and add the cost to your apart budget.
3 reasons why mediation is your best option for a divorce later in life
1. You don't want to waste a lot of money on your divorce.
If you're pursuing a gray divorce chances are you're in your early 60's and close to retirement age. So if you spend a ton of money on your divorce, you won't have a lot of time to recover financially.
To give you an idea:
The average cost of a collaborative divorce is between $25,000 to $50,000; and that's if things "go well."
The average cost of a litigated divorce is between $75,000 and $150,000; provided you can settle things in your first trip to court.
If things aren't going well, and your divorce drags on for a long time, you can expect to spend $200,000 or more on your divorce.
On the other hand, the average total cost of a mediated divorce is between $6,000 and $10,000.
2. You don't want to waste a lot of time on your divorce.
Let me be clear. I am not encouraging you to rush through your divorce. But the simple fact is when attorneys are involved, the divorce process is not only more expensive, but can take a very long time.
The average length of the collaborative law process is 8 months to 1.5 years.
The average length of a litigated divorce is between 2 and 3 years.
The average length of a mediated divorce is only 4 to 5 months from start to finish.
3. You don't want to add any more stress to your already stressful life.
At this stage of your life, you've probably got a lot of challenges and worries. And now you're adding a divorce into that mix.
Even if you're the initiator, divorce is one of the most stressful events you will ever have to endure in your life. Second only to the death of a parent or loved one.
So why then would you choose to involve divorce attorneys and pile even more stress on to an already unpleasant situation?
A litigated divorce process using divorce lawyers is the epitome of stress vs. mediation which is a more peaceful process.
While divorce after 30 years of marriage represents a major life transition, it doesn't necessarily have to define your future.
With careful planning, and the love of friends and care of support groups, divorce at 60+ can set you on a course from loneliness to thriving.
